Thankyou guys for taking the time to read and respond to my post.

I cant say Im feeling much better. But your posts did help a bit, I jsut get upset when thinking of myself as a friend sometimes and its because of my past abuse.
Decided to indulge in a bit of depression over the weekend, staying in bed and journaling/sleeping etc.
I just feel so bad about myself. On friday I went to this get together with some older people from work and they had invited him over too. He had said that week that he would talk soon and probably hang out on the weekend. I never hold him to his word, but I held on to at least a conversation about it during this get together. He just ended up being very reserved – I could tell he was in his own mind and not well and he was quite unapproachable. The only thing he had said to me was that he didnt like my food my cooking and didnt like my cookie, putting it aside on the plate. And then later said bye and just left as I was actually leaving the same time and tryingto walk faster to catch up to him. I was like – well that was not nice, not something that someone I would call a friend would act like, but then I have to take in consideration of his illness. But I felt so devalued, and come to realise that is how I feel when I am around him anyway. Well that, and confused. Does he not get why a woman in her early 30s would hang out with him in the nighttime. That with a joking online and ask me over at 10:30 in the night and I actually come around? He thinks its because we are both lonely and have a bit of company and I hate that, because I want to value my time and who I hang out with- not just because I am lonely. I value having a laugh with him, its rare having the same sense of humor and other things in common and I am a magnet to feelings for him when he can be very caring and make me feel stuff.
But it hurts too.The fact that I hold in all this negative signals that Im not good enough, and be mindful of that- and just treat this person like a friend or cousin, but then for him to not even acknowledge to me, to not even let me know that his friend was down from town for the weekend and that I dont need to hold onto the thought/plan that we might get together then. To still not even contact me. Its just very insincere. I mean, I know it comes with the illness. Its just I dont know howto take this relationship, its not exactly a friend- it more of something less at this point- its not like he even knows me – or wants to idk. It is just one sided really. It is a toxic relationship- and I just guess I know that it has big consequences for my mindset when I do hang out- some good- but mostly confusing and bad for my self esteem and identity and values.

Why I have to feel so ugly and un-nattractive and not respected as a woman. I dont think I am really ugly at all, but the people around me at work and him just their ways make me feel otherwise. I feel devalued. And I know that I need to do work within myself to overcome these feelings – but this person is like an addiction and toxic to me.

Ive decided to stay away from him. Actually let him down when he asks. I need to put myself first but its so hard to not say yes. I end up questioning myself, what is so wrong with me that he sees me not one inch attractive at all? I mean, doesnt he get it. Doesnt he understand. But it all comes back to me anyway and who I decide to hang out with doesnt it.

I want to keep this relationship, but distance myself from now on. I want to try to like myself as a woman, feel attractive again and stuff. But everytime I try to self care right now, I come to think that I ugly and it doesnt matter. That I am never going to be attractive to people, to him, to people at work, to people I meet in the shop I work all the time.. I dont know how to override this un-nattractive feeling- other than to stay away and stay reserved with my boundaries around the people that I feel devalue me in my values in that.

I plan on self love and doing all the things that make me happy and have made me happy, juicing and moving my body and making up a dream board .. all those things. But again, its just constantly on my mind that Im not valued, acknowledged as a female and that there must be something very un-attractive about me- and I take that on, in my mind and put that onto my identity- that how he must see me and how others must see me that I am around weekly- that they too see me the same way.

I guess its part of the attraction- to want to show that person your value as a woman, as someone attractive. To show my authenticity and my boundaries and self care and stuff. I just wonder that the moment I find my self worth and practice my boundaries and self care- that what will become of this relationship. I dont want to give it up, I just want it to be there I guess, to be able to say I am accepted and if I want a laugh and low key person to hang out where I dont have to care about myself – then he is there I guess.

I just dont know what to do. Because if he is a friend, I should stand up for myself and say hey, you kind of ignored me and that hurt a bit.. but intuitively I feel like Im not valued in this relationship or what ever it is, and that its wrong to say that- I think because of more of how I think and feel about myself.