Thankyou for caring. Ive seen her for over 10 years now. When I was in my early 20s I had issues with bed wetting and agoraphobia, yet after a few sessions with her, I found out the cause was sexual abuse at 14. I didnt even recognise that until I saw her and everything started to change after that, I didnt wet the bed anymore and I felt supported a little to be able to venture out more. Ive come a very long way from those days, but I would say that I use her as a reflection of what is in my mind of how to help myself rather than someone who can help me. I use her as someone to listen to me, rather than give advice most of the time. Though she can give me advice, she is more of a open therapist than a clinical one. Recently she asked me to start yoga, which I have thought about, but not acted on.

She has told me that I have never gotten any good feedback within my life really, not within my family either. That I have had shame on me as a teenager and that I have had to basically rely on myself for feedback and comfort and all of that. So I can be very sensitive to other people’s communication with me, as because I have been unsocial for all of my 20s- except for the time I flew over to meet a guy from online who raped and emotionally abused me and I stayed with for 4 months and more.(that was 9 years ago) I havent really had any other relationships to go on. So my social identity is very scarce – and so Im sensitive to how I feel others see me. I have my values and I basically have 2 social events in my life to go on- my highschool days- when I was happy for most of them and my abusive days. Im lucky that I am where I am right now, I have people around me for the first time and the thing is with this guy, my relationship with men has never been any good- since I was a young child -its basically been limited in exposure to boys. I always thought that they fancied me if they were nice to me for some reason. Ive never really hung out with boys unless I was a girlfriend in highschool days or in an abusive relationship.
So even though he may not know, but he is the only guy that I have hung out with and gotten close to in a very long time of avoiding men. And I am so sensitive to it.