Dear sia:

Your last sentence above is: “suddenly once he us gone,everything about him feels perfect, lovable.”

What was with that man was not “perfect, lovable”- it only feels this way.
The home of your childhood, the home where your parents still live, nothing there was or is “perfect, lovable”

What is “perfect, lovable” is the little girl sia, the child that you were. It is a great shame that you were not treated as the perfect and lovable child that you were. So you grew up to … not know that you are indeed okay, approved, lovable. And you are still attached to your mother, waiting for her to okay you, approve of you, allow you to live a good life for yourself.

You obeyed your parents, particularly your mother, all your life and it is not working for you. If you made your own choices, you would be in a better place in life.

Your mother has not managed her own life well, why trust her in managing your life well? She is working to pay off a debt incurred by the woman her husband is still having an affair with. Trusting her with managing your life…? Well, it is unreasonable.

I know you care about your mother a whole lot. We are born that way, needing our mothers, doesn’t matter who the mother is. And I understand the cultural pressure to obey your parents into adulthood and old age, obey them until they die and beyond.

But shouldn’t you evaluate if such obedience should be reserved for adult children of parents who manage their lives well; who have a reasonable record for managing their own lives?

anita