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Regrets and repent on lost things

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  • #107824
    sia
    Participant

    Hi..
    I feel like I am in deep trouble. I am 33y old, i stay alone in a different state than my hometown, since past 7y.also I am an introverted person, never been in a two side relationship till date. I am a medical practitioner, however to prepare for exams, i am continously in and out of jobs – i work two shifts for about 4 months, then go on preparatory leave for 2 months till exam is over.when I don’t go to work, there would be days when i never speak to another human in person..i talk to my mother on phone, which would be the only human communication for me. I hate this city where i am staying for such a long time,the people and language, everything feels so hostile to me. Only on my parents compulsion, i am staying here.my pastime/hobbies here include going to different hindu temples, reciting prayers,chanting.. or going on ling drive on my scooty around the city -all alone, always alone. last year, at this time, i started to feel really lonely,and depressed. I wrote some slokas praying for a life partner 10,800 times..as a prayer and gave it in a temple. One week after that i got to meet a long lost colleague incidentally, he was just an acquintance before.he asked my hand for marriage. But i knew from before that he used to have a live in relationship with one of his teachers during graduation. This was unacceptable for me in the beginning. Also at the outset he sounded to be very money minded, self centred,and talks to many other girls,the same way he speaks to me. In any given context, he speaks about what is there in it for him? I am brought up in a very conservative family, with lot of self respect.. i mean to say that according to my family and my opinion, accepting anything from others for free,unless in a very desperate situation is wrong.i also believe in karma, what i do to others will be done unto me. He however believes otherwise. He accepts free gifts from other girls with whom he flirts a lot once they gift him something, he sometimes asks for more too. His friend told me that he made his teacher he lived with buy him an air conditioner, a very expensive watch, a dslr. I also saw him make another girl buy shades from ray ban worth 12000rs, just so he goes out with her for 3 days. He later invited that girl to his house for staying onr night,when he was alone in his house. Whenever we went out, it is always me who has to pay. He drives a car, but always used to make me fill the tank. Because I was very very lonely and longing for someone to be in my life, i used to go out with him. Then he said he loves me, slowly his affection and the ways he showed it to me became more and more..he used to tell me that he loves me, misses me even when he saw me the night before and we were going to meet the next day. Meanwhile i started to feel very comfortable with him. It has come down to – he is the only person, i have ever allowed to touch me.when he is with me, that city i hate with all of my heart used to become tolerable. But i had some sort of gut feeling that we are not totally compatible?? I loved him too, but i never opened up and told him about that, even when he begged me to say something,with tears in his eyes. I didn’t do so to hurt him,but something from inside like an intuition was asking me not to. Also i went to a convent school, where, in all of our moral instruction classes,they taught us never to believe guys,especially one who cries when he talks. It used to hurt me like hell to see him hurt but i never said those words to him. He was in a great hurry to get married..and was going out to meet many other girls,i would always get jealous and fight with him over trivial other things whenever he did so.his mother was critically sick back then and wanted to see him married before she dies,but I don’t remember exactly why, now, i always said no. Now I feel may be it was all my ego, or selfishness that made me say no.

    On valentine’s day, i asked him to kissme.,that was the first kiss of my life..from then he had high expectations that i will marry him. I now really can’t remember what i was thinking all these days,when he was with me..why i never said i loved him so much. His father arranged his marriage with another girl from his own community,she treated him really well – from what he told me. Then he used to say that all i gave him was only hurt and rejection.while the other girl realised his worth,that girl liked him from the day they met. He used to talk and meet both of us everyday . still when he used to meet me he used to ask me to marry him but i used to say no. Only out of the same gut feeling.he treated me with a lot of love, affection and understanding, i treated him with love but i never said the magical words of i love you i want to marry you..
    After lot of crying, pain and hurt, he got married on 06th of this month, he says he couldn’t be more happier as that girl treats him like apple of her eye.he said you were always biting me like a snake and coming back to me when you needed love, but my wife accepts me for who i am and loves me very deeply. But one week before his marriage, he called me to his house on pretext that his sister is ill, when i went there, he was alone in his house. He kissed me hugged me,touched me everywhere, but we did not have sex, i am a virgin and he could not penetrate.we hugged each other that day for a long time and for the first time, on that day, i felt both of us are perfect for each other. But by then, invitations were sent out,everything for marriage was planned, he didn’t want to ruin the other girls life and her family’s respect. I am devastated, crazy, a crying mess since his marriage. I am running from corner to corner to get some relief. Currently, m leading my lonely miserable life as i quitmy job to study for an exam next month.i went to psychiatrist but they put me in medicines which make me totally drowsy like an alcoholic. I now stopped all medicines, i took them for one week. He now says that iam his best friend for life..but he loves his wife very much.

    I am not able to take him out of my thoughts, whatever i do or think, my thoughts go to him..The way his hands felt in mine, etc..
    Before, 3yrs, i had a crush on another friend,who rejected me in the starting itself, then there was no intimacy or relationship.it took me 2years to cone out of that.now iam scared about how long it will take for me to come out of this..
    I am praying for any sort of company in my life but i am scared to go out and talk to anyone else.
    I am usually a very brave person except for staying around animals.i faced a lot of ups and downs in life, all alone all the way.. i used to be very adventurous in going out on long trips outside my city all by myself,i used to enjoy my solace..but now i don’t know why i am so scared to stay alone.
    Sorry for the very very very long post.it is surprising for me that so many things happened in just the last 5 months and also that i remember so much of it.
    Any suggestions for me to come out of this very fast?

    #107825
    sia
    Participant

    Also I am scared that God almighty granted me the love of my life after such an intense prayer, but i pushed it away in foolishness and I won’t get another chance ever in life. .
    I am scared that no one will ever shower this much of affection on me and i might carry this deficit ( i dont know the proper word here in place of deficit) for my life. My parents are searching for a groom for me but after realising that i love him, i don’t feel like seeing anyone else.
    I feel angry towards him for giving in to social pressure and getting married to the other girl, when he loved me.
    How could he stand beside another girl and participate in all marriage rituals if he really loved me?

    #107899
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sia:

    This man you wrote about, according to your sharing, is not a decent, trustworthy man. Every word he says would be suspect to me (if I was you). Your loneliness is so extreme that your natural need to love-and-be-loved drew you toward this man even though you knew inside he was not decent and not trustworthy. Good for you that you didn’t end up married to him, and I hope you stay away from him.

    Obviously, you need love in your life but be it a decent man, one you approve of, one you can trust.

    I am so sorry you are so lonely where you are. You wrote you are there because your parents want you there, is that correct? You are where you are because you are following your parents’ orders?

    anita

    #107909
    sia
    Participant

    Yes, anita i am where I am geographically and also in this place in life because i obey my parent’s orders.my parents fight a lot,my father is abusive physically and mentally. He has an affair,she keeps seeing her still, even when he is 60yrsold now,and fights with my mother whenever he comes back from there.my mother is struggling so much, she also has to go to work as he made her sign for bank loan worth a lot of money,which he gave to the other woman.so she juggles work, household work,she is searching for arranging alliance for me,and so at home she feels is not suitable for my stay.but she feels this city is safer for single women staying alone;also this is far away for anyone to know about our father. With so much on her plate, i feel guilty to go out with another outsider, but i was so lonely.at first i thought that it is normal to feel that way as i am in early 30s,due to some hormonal chNges..and now i feel like iam in love with him, i feel very very guilty to hurt him,i also hurt myself by not acknowledging my feelings.
    I want to come out of all this and be like before – happy to be alone.
    But my thoughts go to him every awake moment, now I see him in my dreams too.suddenly once he us gone,everything about him feels perfect, lovable.

    #107925
    anita
    Participant

    Dear sia:

    Your last sentence above is: “suddenly once he us gone,everything about him feels perfect, lovable.”

    What was with that man was not “perfect, lovable”- it only feels this way.
    The home of your childhood, the home where your parents still live, nothing there was or is “perfect, lovable”

    What is “perfect, lovable” is the little girl sia, the child that you were. It is a great shame that you were not treated as the perfect and lovable child that you were. So you grew up to … not know that you are indeed okay, approved, lovable. And you are still attached to your mother, waiting for her to okay you, approve of you, allow you to live a good life for yourself.

    You obeyed your parents, particularly your mother, all your life and it is not working for you. If you made your own choices, you would be in a better place in life.

    Your mother has not managed her own life well, why trust her in managing your life well? She is working to pay off a debt incurred by the woman her husband is still having an affair with. Trusting her with managing your life…? Well, it is unreasonable.

    I know you care about your mother a whole lot. We are born that way, needing our mothers, doesn’t matter who the mother is. And I understand the cultural pressure to obey your parents into adulthood and old age, obey them until they die and beyond.

    But shouldn’t you evaluate if such obedience should be reserved for adult children of parents who manage their lives well; who have a reasonable record for managing their own lives?

    anita

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