Dear iamfreee:

I felt very sad to read your history of being bullied. I still feel sad. These are my thoughts at this time:

First, reality is, as you well know, that there are a lot of bullies in our lives, and that is very unfortunate. We don’t imagine them, they are real. We therefore have to be careful who we associate with so to not get unnecessarily hurt: get to know who we are dealing with, stay away from bullies, that is, from abusive people, and become vulnerable to people we can reasonably trust.

Second, you have deep hurt, understandably, from having been bullied. Hurt and anger and fear all mixed. You still need to express these feelings, process them, and release their intensity. Best to do this in therapy with a competent, caring therapist. There is still work for you to do in this regard.

Third, once your friend told you she was used, that triggered in you these intense feelings of having been used yourself. Now this is where the problem is: you got so identified with your friend that you lost the distinction between her and you; between her experience and yours. The two are not the same but it seems the same to you.

You are projecting your experience into hers. And even though there are similarities, the experiences are not the same. Her boyfriend may not be using her although you believe he is. Once you process your own feelings, your own experiences, the intensity of your hurt, fear and anger will lessen. When that happens, you will be able to see your friend the way she really is and the people in her life, the way they are.

This realistic understanding will allow for your feelings to fit reality: your desperation to save your friend will disappear as you will know it was you all along that needed saving.

Please do post again, anytime.

anita