Thanks Anita and Brievuong

Yes I think emotional and even cognitively I have a more well rounded understanding of the situation.
Now what i am missing is someone who cares for me when I am distressed, and someone who shares my life when I want to share.
She definitely is not able to connect to me in such a way now.
i went to an outing that supposedly the two of us would join together. We arranged it months ago.
I did tell her that I planned to go on the previous day, I think it’s just impolite to go without telling. and she did say ‘see you soon’, but late at night she txted me and said she wasn’t ready to see me, and she would quit if I wanted to go. Apparently she thought for some time before sending me the txt

We did talk a bit via txt, but apparently she was not wishing to share anything emotion-wise. she did reply, but they are mainly just very plain messages. She is no longer that person that I found caring and putting me in the first place, or important. She just wanted no connection with me.

It’s interesting that I brought some souvenir from the outing, and in the end i didn’t give her. During the outing I kept thinking it would be nice if she was around, I kept imagining she would respond well if i talk to her or give her nice gifts, but on second thought, I know she would just act cold or even reject me. I don’t want to look like a fool.

I still enjoyed the event, and i didn’t mean to kick her out because of me joining,I did however, thought of what would happen if I really see her, I did have expectation to see her. So it’s a bit disappointing that we can’t see each other and have talk.

Last night I also had a dream, that she was crying and coming back to me, saying that she was just lost and she was trying to do everything the cycle. I think I wanted her to say she regret? May be just want to win her over? probably that’s not even love.

@Brievuong , I think I am disappointed at the fact that I wasn’t able to treat her well when I was dating her, I had always been very reluctant to connect with her emotionally and that definitely has hurt her. I wasn’t able to do so until a later stage, but when I was more ready she cheated on me, because she said she was very vulnerable and desperately needed someone to care for.
I am also disappointed that she cheated on me and left me in the end, while she promised to make amends and made things better.
Now I can see a bit more clearer, that she really was quite selfish in that sense.

Thanks all, appreciate your responds and help = )