I guess part of the thing is that I just feel so awkward and silly. Working on trying to have more finesse. Wish I could approach this with the confidence of what I do for a living. Concepts such as belief and faith in an outcome in this area are somewhat alien to me.

Feels silly to have something as simple as a woman smiling invoke emotions of wellbeing and happiness. Smiles can be easily faked. From a logical standpoint, I can’t really make sense of it. Maybe it is partly me oriignally, and ma Be it is partly experiences from the job, but emotions and facial expressions can be faked to manipulate people. Generally, when I see somebody smile, I ask myself what do they want.

I don’t get the disconnect between the side of me that sees displays of emotion as gamesmanship and the side of the that wanted to spend time with that one gal who lit up when I looked at her from across the room and struck up a conversation with me.

Between the part of me thinking that this is BS of some form, and the part of me that wanted to experience more time with her. And, no it wasn’t just a sexual affection thing; she did look great, but more than that. She could have worn sackcloth instead of the blouse and skirt, and it would of not have mattered. The feeling was amazing, but depressing when it goes. There was a feeling of connection without saying anything. Then I learned that her career and my career would probably mean a conflict.

Is this feeling of wholeness and oneness what I have been depriving myself of all these years?

I remember growing up that I was considered an imposition on people. Perhaps that is part of why I frequently have this deep seated sense of loneliness that is nearly unshakeable at times.