Dear xenopustex:

When the woman you talked to lit up and smiled just looking at you, that felt good, I am sure, felt good to you and that is what should happen in a loving relationship- someone smiling at you, someone happy to see you.

And that is different from what you got from your abusive grandfather and it is different from what you are getting from your mother presently, with her negative commentary.

I am thinking you avoided closer relationships because what you associated with it was that Frown you got from the people in your young life. If you associated a Smile with them, why you would gravitate toward more smiles.

So Attribute # 1 in a woman is that smile factor. She must be happy just looking at you; she must be happy that you exist and that you are in her life. She must feel fortunate to have you in her life.

Life is gloomy and dreadful when no one is happy you are alive. There must be someone, outside of yourself, saying to you in one way or another: Glad you see you are here!

anita

Dear xenopustex:

The reason why “getting a woman to smile back invokes almost a feeling of well being” because that is what we try to do since we are babies, make the one handling us, usually the mother (a woman) to smile back at us. That gives the baby a feeling of well being. When the mother smiles back at the baby, that means she is going to take good care of the baby and that means well being.

We don’t outgrow this. As a matter of fact, the least we had of that smile, the more we want it. You tried your best to not need it, to survive without it. This is obviously possible but the cost is lack of well being.

So inside the tough xenopustex is a boy still needing a smile, a love back from a woman.

Good thing, it is possible for you!

anita

Dear xenopustex:

You grew up unloved, considered an imposition. What you needed was one grown up to welcome you to their world. And there was none. Hence the “deep seated sense of loneliness”

There is very little love in this world. And no matter how hard we try to live well without love, we fail. We are born to reach out for love. It is the nature we are born with. So when you feel silly to be feel emotional about a woman smiling at you, it is you feeling silly for being human.

Many smiles are faked, lies are told, manipulations, cruelty, violence- everywhere. But all you need is just that one woman whose smile to you will be genuine, not aimed at getting something from you but simply because she is happy that you are in her world; a trustworthy woman who will love you as you are, not much finesse require, no pretending on your part- just you, as you are.

And it is so very possible for you. I would like it to happen in your life and soon enough.

anita

Dear xenopustex:

I share what you don’t believe in. I see truth in what I observe in nature and in people’s motivations and behaviors. I know we are born to reach out to a parent so to be taken care of- and so we are born loving. We are born loving not because it is a nice thing, to be loving, or a moral thing but simply because if the parent loves a child, then the parent will take care of the child.

Everything is about survival of the individual and the species. And love, that is necessary for the survival of the child, being dependent. But as adults, we don’t outgrow that need.

There is no religion in it, no morality- it is nature.

You talk about Faith in good outcomes- I have faith in the rules of nature. I have faith that a plant will grow toward the sun, that a male frog will seek a female to mate with, that water will move in the least resistant path along the ground, that animals and people move away from pain and toward pleasure, and so forth. These are the things I have faith in.

There is a whole lot of distortion of nature in human behavior: parents not loving their children, harming their children, violence and destruction and a whole lot of waste. This is because of the complication cognition brings about: the ability to think and choose- that often perverts nature, unfortunately. The perversion is people acting counter productive to their own survival and to the survival of their offspring.

So I have faith in nature and I have faith in the perversion, because both are realities. This is why I wrote to you repeatedly that all you need is one woman, one woman who is not in the habit of perverting nature.

Which one is it that you don’t believe: that there is an honest, loving woman out there or that it is possible for such a woman to love you?

anita

Dear xenopustex:

As to your last question, how to believe a loving relationship with a future mate is possible?

Unfortunately it is similar to a person applying for a job and being told the applicant has to have experience in that type of job so to get this job. The applicant is frustrated: how do I get experience if I don’t get a job?

To believe a loving relationship with a woman is possible for you, that there is a woman out there who you will value and who will love you- you have to have the experience first.

So how the… do you do it? Slowly, one step at a time. You are already go out and interact with people in social situations every day, on purpose. Next: interact with individual women on a casual dating setting, such as having coffee together or lunch.

You have to have the experience so for your core belief or faith to change. There is no other way. Some people try hypnotism, positive affirmations, religion… but I believe that at best there is a short term benefit to these things.

I will write more in a separate post because this one I am typing has a whole lot in it as is.

anita