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- This topic has 189 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 1 month ago by XenopusTex.
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August 15, 2016 at 9:31 pm #112446XenopusTexParticipant
Couldn’t locate her today. Will try tomorrow. guess these issues may be the product of my conflicted mind. Need to silence the part of me that says no to relationships. What’s the old line about a house divided against itself cannot stand?
August 16, 2016 at 6:30 am #112473AnonymousGuestDear XenopusTex:
You never put it this way before, on this thread, that there is a part of you that says No to relationships. I know of the distrust of people, much of it understandable. But you also said before that the reason you didn’t have relationships was because you were busy in law school and since, busy at work.
So it is this part of you that says No, that came up with the critique about the lunch date, that she is too short for one, as a reason why it may not be a good idea. Makes me think that part of you communicated the No to her and that is why she didn’t text you since.
What to do…? Part of you says Yes; part of you says No. Makes me think of a courtroom situation (my view is from watching TV and movies, unlike your daily experience in the courtroom), with a prosecutor- the NO part of you, and the Defense, the part of you that says Yes. I can “hear” an argument against relationships and an argument for it. As a matter of fact, this very exercise is a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) exercise when conflicted.
Would you like to do it here? The two arguments… I am tempted to start it myself, for you… which would be wrong. But if you want me to start, pretending I am you, I will. Let me know (Better you do it though…)
anita
August 16, 2016 at 10:48 am #112494XenopusTexParticipantRan into her today. Asked to get together for lunch, talked with her about her daughter. She seemed more stressed today. Wondering if it relates to her family issues, etc.. Let her know that I would make time. We will have to see.
August 16, 2016 at 10:52 am #112495XenopusTexParticipantWill respond to the other post when I have more time later tonight. I hope she didn’t pick up on he no component. Wonder if showing additional interest would help.
August 16, 2016 at 8:52 pm #112557AnonymousGuestDear XenopusTex:
Will be waiting for news about the next lunch date, I hope and I can definitely sense how busy you are!
anita
August 16, 2016 at 9:32 pm #112561XenopusTexParticipantArguments against relationships:
1) getting burned- emotionally, financially, etc.
2) takes time away from other things
3) could lead to a repeat of the issues found in familyArguments for relationships.
1) companionship
2) self-actualization
3) love and the expression of love
4) possible financial and emotional growthOne of my problems throughout life has been a focus on the bad stuff and not so much the good. There are more good reasons than bad for a relationship. Just not sure why the no component is so strong. Kind of embarrassed by the realization that the position is likely rooted in fear.
38, soon to be 39, and afraid of something as simple as being with someone. Yeesh. I let fear control me for this long?
Perhaps maybe the reason I put in so many hours at work was because I was trying to avoid interactions/relationships/etc. not so lonely when working on projects, and felt good to be needed. When I would get home, would engage in diversionary activities.
Now, I realize how silly I was, and think of the opportunities I should have taken. However, still working on killing off that “no” voice. The “no” voice doesn’t really make sense in a general scope. Specific scope, yes. General scope, no. The “no” is more emotional based than logic based. Logically, yes wins, especially because no essentially means that I am incompetent in an area I have never fully explored.
I feel strongly about this last woman, and actually feel empathy toward her situation. Just a couple of weeks ago; she seemed happy and positive. Today she looked tired and glum, and expression I am familiar with. She used to like living out here, and today not so much. It hurt to see the change. I wish there was someway I could have brought back that happy person for the day.
August 17, 2016 at 11:44 am #112680AnonymousGuestDear XenopusTex:
I am impressed that you took on my suggestion to argue for and against a relationship.
My comments on your arguments and text above in no particular order, correct me where I am wrong:
1. “Just not sure why the no component is so strong.” It is strong because of your fear of being hurt and stuck in hurtful, distressing relationship dynamics.
2. “Kind of embarrassed by the realization that the position is likely rooted in fear.”- embarrassed to be affected by the most powerful force there is, fear? It is the most powerful force in nature- all animals react to fear first. Danger or the perception of danger is attended to first by each and every animal. Why would you be different?
3. “One of my problems throughout life has been a focus on the bad stuff and not so much the good.” Everyone, other animals too, focus n the bad, that is on danger. Like I typed above, danger is attended to FIRST by every animal. The reason? Survival. An animal attends to danger first, every single time, before it avails itself to feeding and mating and of course, just relaxing.
4. ” I let fear control me for this long?” The great majority of people are significantly limited by fear. And so have you.
5. “38, soon to be 39, and afraid of something as simple as being with someone” This is so because you remember how painful it was to be with your grandfather/ other adults in your young life. Emotionally, you remember very well.
6. “still working on killing off that “no” voice.” Don’t try to kill it because it will not die. The no will have to be dealt with by you being selective as to who you get in a relationship with, by you being attentive to who it is you are dealing with. You need to trust yourself to correctly evaluate others so to avoid those who will hurt you.
7. ” The “no” is more emotional based than logic based.” The “no” is emotionally and logically based. Both.
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Regarding the list of “Arguments against relationships:
1) getting burned- emotionally, financially, etc.”- not if you evaluate the person correctly, over time.
“2) takes time away from other things”- not a problem if it takes away from over-work and distractions.
“3) could lead to a repeat of the issues found in family”- not if you evaluate the person correctly.Regarding the “Arguments for relationships”- fit my thinking with my comment to the right of each one: “if you evaluate the person correctly.”
anita
August 17, 2016 at 9:15 pm #112722XenopusTexParticipantThe evaluation thing is where I seem to have issues along with trying to stay optimistic. Hard to tell if I make bad evaluations or kill things later. This isn’t like zeroing in a rifle. How do you separate out bad selection from killing off something later?
Was this last woman a bad choice maybe? Did I kill it by forgetting that she had a child at one point or being wrong with the time initially? Did she give up due to my schedule? Is she just waiting for the paperwork to be filed, and maybe there is nothing wrong? Based on my last discussion, is she unhappy about being out here and may go back home? Does she feel guilty/bad about unloading some of her story on me, because she was apologizing about it the first time?
It is hard to know what to fix/adjust without knowing how one got to a situation.
I tried being optimistic, letting her talk about things, etc., and nada. While I am not as smitten by her as I was the other one, I see long term relationship potential if she were interested. I really think that she has a lot of good qualities. I would be very happy if she wanted to go out, but can understand with the pending divorce thing, might look bad.
Of course, I don’t know the specifics of the break up either, so maybe I am being an idiot.
August 18, 2016 at 8:15 am #112748AnonymousGuestDear XenopusTex:
I will take on the comparison between zeroing in a rifle and selecting a woman for a relationship best I understand it: your brain is like your rifle; your rational and emotional intelligence is like the bullet, the firing power. Holding the rifle steadily is the calmness you need when evaluating a woman, you take your time and not rush it. You focus on the target as you focus on the woman.
The zeroing in process with a rifle takes less than a minute or otherwise a very short time. On the other hand, evaluating a woman will take months. When you are about to shoot a rabbit for food, you don’t pet it first and give it a name, spending time with it and getting attached to it. In a similar way, you don’t get overly attached to a woman before you evaluate her. (This is a mistake many make and once attached, their … focus is off, their sight is clouded with old needs, old fears, wishful thinking and dysfunction).
All the questions you listed in your second paragraph above are parts of the months long evaluation process. You only had lunch with her once, this is too short of a time. It is just enough time for you to come up with all these questions (good job!) and so you started the process of evaluation, comparable to a second of two of handling the rifle, just bringing it toward a position toward zeroing, the beginning.
You ask these questions, one at a time and listen for her answers. You learn who she is, how she thinks, how she behaves in different situations (you saw her so far in two situations: at lunch where she was bright eyed and bushy tailed and at work when she looked stressed), over time.
How am I doing with the comparison so far and is it helpful?
anita
August 18, 2016 at 10:08 am #112756XenopusTexParticipantTrue. I just wish I knew more up front. That way could figure out what is or is not correct.
August 18, 2016 at 10:57 am #112762XenopusTexParticipantRan into her again. She was really happy to see me. I talked with her about her daughter. Trying to show that I actually do have a caring side under the thick armour.
She was really, really happy to see me. Perhaps maybe she is waiting for the paperwork to get filed and done. Walked with her over to a meeting. Noticed how cute she is :).
It was strange. For that brief period of time, it didn’t matter that she is about a foot shorter than I am, that she has a child, or that she appears to have made a relationship mistake. It felt good walking down the street next to her and talking. I just don’t want to be in the same situation as with the previous woman.
I also don’t want to do anything that would jeopardize her position in finalizing the end of her prior relationship. Hopefully that will get taken care of fairly soon.
I could definitely ease her financial worries, etc., but don’t want to be seen simply as a cash cow. However, I don’t think she knows my finances, she could look up my salary if she wanted though.
Would mean a lot though to have a relationship with somebody as happy to see me as I am happy to see her. Unless there is some horrible secret hiding there, I could see her as being someone I could share the rest of my life with.
August 18, 2016 at 11:10 am #112763AnonymousGuestDear XenopusTex:
Well, you are smitten again. Being smitten by a woman who is happy to see you makes sense. I know it is also important to you that the woman is educated (and she is) and physically attractive (and she is)-
Your mind is rushing- remember, you need to be steady and calm so to form an accurate evaluation of her and it needs to be done over time. Way ahead of yourself thinking about helping her financially, way ahead.
Calm, steady, this is a long term project. You need a few months of evaluating her before you jump your guns, so to speak.
anita
August 18, 2016 at 2:09 pm #112774XenopusTexParticipantWasn’t thinking of finically helping at the moment. Just mentioned that I could.
You are probably right about me being smitten. Trying very hard not to go overboard. Have done that in the past, and don’t want to do it again.
August 18, 2016 at 8:05 pm #112800AnonymousGuestDear XenopusTex:
Yes, I didn’t think the offer you had in mind was for the moment. The evaluation process, the getting to know her and making yourself known to her, that must take time. You wrote a few posts above: ” I just wish I knew more up front (about her)-
There is no substitute to getting information from her directly, through conversation, asking questions, listening, repeating, asking more- and then you talk about yourself, share, answer questions she asks- this is the process that creates intimacy. If you get information about her upfront, it is likely to be tainted information, distorted by someone’s misperception.
It must be a You and Her process of learning about each other.
anita
August 18, 2016 at 9:05 pm #112818XenopusTexParticipantYou are right. Will keep talking to her. I have gone into relationships at times without taking the time to fully evaluate: that can lead to serious problems. There are times when I am glad to have never been physically intimate and all the complications it brings.
Heck, I have gone this long without a relationship, taking the time to learn more won’t be the end of the world.
Wouldn’t it be great if there were signs floating over everybody’s head that said yes/no? Maybe it does exist in some fashion and I am blind to it.
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