Dear chau:

I am okay with the length of any of your messages. What you described, your father’s behavior with you, that was not a “parenting style”- it was abusive behavior. He scared you repeatedly. What you needed as a child was to feel safe, not scared. And your mother “overly caring”- maybe about some things she was caring, but she was not caring about the distress you experienced: she didn’t see your distress and if she did see it, she … didn’t care to attend to it.

When you were a child you needed a safe home so to take it inside you as you proceeded into adulthood. Instead you got scared by your father and your uncle and your mother didn’t protect you from them. There is a betrayal in her making it possible for your uncle to see you naked as you are becoming a teen. You needed her protection from his hugs, that was her neglect. Instead she made it possible for him to see you… I am so sorry, chau. I can relate to a parent entering the bathroom without permission. It happened to me repeatedly and the shame I experienced as a result was excruciating.

So, yes, I understand. The hurt of neglect and betrayal- the people who are supposed to protect you, don’t- that is betrayal.

And so that hurt, and the anger that naturally follows hurt, as well as fear of future hurt- these add to your current circumstances. When you hurt over your ex girlfriend and friend betraying you, you are also hurting over the earlier betrayals.

Maybe you can process those earlier hurt and anger as well as the fear these left you with in therapy. Maybe you can write about it and release some of it through writing, maybe some other way. Please do post again with any ideas you have, thoughts and emotions.

anita