hi anita
thanks for bringing this childhood issue up. it has always been on my mind, or in my head, i knew they were there , but they have never been properly or formally addressed.
and since u brought it up, i felt a gut wretching emotion inside my heart. you were right about me having the fear of not being protected in my childhood, while u acknowledged my situation, i couldnt help my tear.that has always been my fear, and i think that resonated with how i distorted the reality and placed the blame on myself, so that i would still want to reach out to her for comfort and care, just like how i wanted to reach out for my parents for protection. the coping stategy that i once adopted as a child, being mute or trying to place the blame on myself so i can rationalize the abuse that was done on me as a child, is all too similar to how i placed the blame on myself in this situation so that i can rationalize my ex action or even reach out for her protection. while i forgot i have so outgrown of this strategy and that i have the ability to defend for myself, if not fight back when others attack.
i forgot , or didnt aware, i can complete myself without anyone there with me or for me. i am strong enought to travel around on my own, enjoy life on my own, work on my own, care for myself, and pamper myself, i thought i needed to please or cling onto someon whom i thought would protect me to feel secure. you were right in your earlier posts, that she once could offer that security, but now it is no longer valid, i think that may be why i have such a problem in getting over it.
i tried to write about it in a journal, and this time i stopped crying. things seem to make sense to me better,thinking and feeling seems to sychronize better and more deep rooted. i have very good friend around me who could listen and understand me, and said i deserved to be love as how i was, and i didnt need to keep clinging on her.
with all people standing by me, i know however , this is a journey that i needed to walk alone. it feels scary to be frank, i am on vacation alone and i feel scared to go back to my home town, facing everything yet again. but i know this is a journey i had to take on my own, and that no one can help me to becoming happy and blissful the except myself, and i think its time for me to grow up, from my childhood coping strategy as well as to take responsibility of my own happiness.
anita i cant be more grateful for your input, and you company in this silent journey that you have taken with me.
thank you for that
chau