Dear needpeace:

My thoughts: there are two things here: one is your neuropathways from childhood being activated in the present (your issues) and the other thing is the reality of who your boyfriend is (his issues). Both are very relevant in evaluating your relationship and clarity, distinction between the two is very important.

If you were very upset about your boyfriend talking to other guys, for being social, for having the need to talk to others, the need for a large circle of friends, that could be Your Issue. Problem is the dating app he used/ is using to talk to other men. This may mean that he is not monogamous. If this conflicts with your values, as it obviously does, then it is His Issue. You need a partner who is willing and able to be monogamous.

About him lying- if you demanded extreme accuracy in what he says, if you computed every word he said expecting a 100% fit with everything he said before and will say again-that would be your issue because, as I have learned, people do use convenient thinking, nostalgia, make believe thinking. People also don’t have perfect memories and part of what was seems later as all that there was, etc.

But if he blatantly lies, that would be his issue

The positive, hopeful part of your post is: ” I do know that he has been trying to be more sensitive and be more open to difficult discussions” – maybe couple therapy can help??? I don’t see your relationship as hopeless as you describe it. As a result of competent couple therapy, jump starting the two of you in personal healing, you can help each other outside and after therapy with your individual healing…

anita