Thank you Anita and Mark

@Anita: Of course I have doubts. I am as unsure of my place in the world now as I was before all this started. With regards to Neptune, I was staring at the fire last March when I suddenly saw the 1111 numerology. It was like a portal had been opened up into another realm or dimension. Then I saw the logs next to the fire and counted 11 of them. Then I saw the long handled three-pronged iron fork on the other side and discovered that both the number eleven and the trident are associated with the Roman god Neptune. For a while I actually thought I was Neptune reincarnated, but now I believe it is all to do with evolution, the ultimate aim of which is to produce the Mahdi or ‘initiated one’. We are all descendants of the waters, and our task is to remember this fact. We started out as fish, which is why Dagon is depicted as half man-half fish. (I do not believe it is some sort of ceremonial garb he is wearing). Neptune is depicted rising out of the waters. He is depicted being welcomed back into Heaven. He remembered where he really came from.

You say to me “am I sure?” The answer is no, I am not, these experiences keep changing. What I am absolutely certain of, is that I am under the influence of something supernatural.

@Mark: the emptiness is awful, and it is causing problems with my eyesight and sense of taste. I can’t bear it, it is like a hunger. I am not a healer. In one rather sad and pathetic episode I tried to ‘heal’ our sick dog. I tried to ‘invoke the violet flame’ and make her well. I REALLY tried. But in the end we had to take her to the vets, and three days later she died. So I don’t see any point to all this. In fact, I don’t know why this has been imposed upon me. I can’t talk about it to people, they just don’t understand and actually tell me I am holding too much knowledge which will make my brain explode. I am a musician, but I was one before all this started. With the emptiness comes something even worse: de-realization. Life feels dead. There’s no fun any more. So I do not understand why this has happened. Has the Universe got it in for me? I spent 2006-2012 on dialysis. When I got a transplant, I hoped that my luck would change, because I felt I deserved some happiness. But instead my life has got worse. I can bring nothing to this world. I am living on benefits and take a plethora of tablets each day for several different medical conditions (none are for mental problems or depression). Please tell me Mark how I have a purpose? How do I have a stake in this life? I am on the margins of society.

You talk about mental well-being. I tell you, I have had to employ an iron will to avoid falling into the clutches of the mental health profession. I have been displaying bi-polar behavior for the past three years. But I didn’t go to the doctors with it because they will probably be unable to give me medication due to the immuno-suppressants and kidney medication I am on. But I know I am not mad. I am under the influence of a supernatural force. I have given up ‘praying to God’ because I get no answers. Praying to the Universe yields the same results. There is just a wall of silence. It has got me trapped. It’s like I am yelling and banging on toughened, soundproofed glass. It’s so easy for you to dismiss my comments as the ramblings of a mentally-disturbed man.

You talk about hope. I have none. You talk about enduring suffering. I have endured too much of it. And why does it make me great? I have no choice in the matter. Greatness happens out of one’s choice to do something. No one can help me. I spoke to my parish priest about it and he was hopeless; the first time he humoured me and the second time he dismissed me with a ‘keep calm and carry on’ spiel.

I just want my old life back. This is going nowhere and is achieving nothing except to cause me great distress.

Best wishes.