Here…

*****

Hi Jerry. I’m messaging because my exams are over at last, and this is something I have been wishing to say for long. I don’t feel repeating what we’ve said before is apt. I accept that we both are governed by social and cultural rules, and I am nobody to consider myself above the same. In that context, I accept that I have done a great wrong, whatever my motivations were. If it means I became a monster, I accept that I am one. I accept that you loved me as a brother only and never expected this from me. I failed to live up to your trust and faith in me. I know you don’t like these things and that’s why I tried to keep my feelings from you and confessed only to our two mutual friends. I admit I have lost my temper over petty issues, behaved badly with you, even stopped talking. I took your love and respect, your forgiveness and the special position you gave to me, for granted. I’m sorry for everything you had to go through because of me. I was so touched by your last message, “though he hurted me with the bad words he used, I’ll pray for him and always think good only for him”, I promised to change myself and I’ve made every effort to stop using bad language and losing temper.

I only wish you could understand that I never stopping caring for you, willfully disrespected you or thought inappropriately of you, Jerry. My love was always based on respect for you as a person and your virtues which make you who you are. I don’t know about anything else, but I miss you. I miss you and our bond every day and every moment. There has not been a single day from 7th March when I’ve had a single moment of peace. I have been told to remain happy with all the others who call me brother. But you know better than me that no relation can ever take the place of another. And nobody can ever take your place in my life either, Jerry. That’s how it has been and how it always will be. I admit that I wanted to message more often, but I realized that it’s not an act of love or care but rather a violation of your rights and feelings. It will be termed as obsessive and pathological behaviour and make me no different from a stalker, no matter what my motivation is. That’s the last thing I want to be, and last thing I want to do is to harass or cause stress to you. If you’ve deemed it final that you want to have nothing to do with me, then I guess the only correct thing will be to respect your decision and keep silent henceforth. I’ll always wish well for you and pray that by some miracle, you understand someday. If not, I’ll find some way to cope with my depression and pain. It pains me to say this, but what more can I do. I accept I genuinely did wrong, and felt you should know this.