Hi the Tiny buddha community

It’s been a bit of time since my last post, actually glad that I am back, this feels like a safe haven for me when I am having a troubled mind. and I am grateful for the community.

Things have been going on much more ok after I had that gut wrenching cry on my childhood trauma.
And now i am reviewing what really happened, which i constantly find i distort to fit my own reality(who doesn’t actually, more or less)
My friend keeps asking me to just let it go, doesn’t worth visiting anymore, but i guess this is just one of those sleepless nights when things come back again.

I finally see how much effort it took for both of them to lie and hide the truth from me, and that reflects the characters that they both have. Both can go beyond hurting one of your closest person for their own selfishness. In fact they are hurting each other too, if you care enough for each other you wouldn’t even put each other in such situation, and would wait a bit to sort it out one by one I assume.

Now, I do remember there were times when I wasn’t patience enough, when i criticized my ex, and when I disliked her or when i distanced her. Other than because I carried the burden of my previous ones, I remembered I saw red flags on this girl. She looked for my reaction and expected me to love her the way that she desired, because she thought she had loved me and given me a lot(which i had to be fair she did invest a lot of time on me), I so wanted to escape those attention seeking gaze because that would mean I needed to sweet talk her, react in a certain way etc.I guess that how she said i emotionally distanced her and made her very lonely. We just didn’t have the same way of looking at the relationship.
I remembered she blamed me for asking her back every time when we were at the edge of breaking up, saying that there were things we could try or i could try, but in fact getting together should be a mutual decision in which responsibilities are shared mutually.
I remembered she said she thought I didn’t care at all, and thus she thought the consequence of cheating wouldn’t be so serious, it would at max be a breakup, but not hurt me like that(which is quite BS when i recalled)
I remembered when i discovered the cheating, she said she wasn’t sure what to do and needed to clarify with my (used to be )good friend if the other side was serious or not, which now I think its another very irresponsible act, that she wants to put me in the reserved seat.
I remembered she accused me of causing her pain when she finally decided to break off, saying that I snatched away her ability to love and be loved.

Now I know why I was so terribly confused, in concrete details, because on one hand, she cried and said she was so hurt as if she was the victim, on the other hand, I saw so many flaws in her characters that I can’t turn my blind eye to. Plus she smashed my heart to the floor, and i just took in whatever that was presented to me, which was how upset she was.
I totally lost it and i blame myself so that I gain a sense of control, which in turned made me and her feel like I was the one in the wrong.

And as for my friend, needless to say, she was not hurt by us or even involved in this relationship in the first place, and yet she acted on it and destroyed everything for her own selfishness.

I was far from being perfect, but for sure I don’t think anything that I have done to either of them made me deserve this mess. They do deserve each other but they don’t deserve me.

I do have times when i still missed the good old days with my ex, thinking she would pop up at my door and apologize and tried to amend. I do have time when I checked on both of them online and found my ex liked my ex-friend IG post which apparently was something sweet that they did, and that i felt disturbed.
But i know these will only pass as time goes by.

I actually don’t have a specific question, but sometime i do wonder why would i not notice the red flags? was i too simple and stupid? why would i trust my friend for being a good person without really knowing her true motives? I don’t know how I can see them better
Would be grateful if there is any further feedback on this incident as well

I also want to seek insights on this general impatience that I have developed towards my family. I realized I have been neglecting them or even rejecting their care since this incident happened, kind of want to push them away. I didn’t disclose anything to them due to the nature(homosexuality is still quite a taboo in Chinese society) of the incident, they didn’t even know that I was gay.

doesn’t have to be an answer, just a ‘noted with thanks’means a lot on my sleepless night

Thanks for reading. Take care everyone
Chau