Dear Anita

Thanks a lot; I am planning to look for psychotherapy indeed. I think this breakup has just stirred everything up, and this generalized depressive mood has been here for long. I am more concerned these days as I suspect myself of getting mild depression, because of the sleeplessness, low energy, losing interest in things etc.
I think it can go as far as when I was in my early school years. I think that was at around 6 or 7 years old? I wasn’t able to control my bowel and I remembered losing control in class. Everyone could smell it, I was so ashamed and eventually my teacher found me. Get me changed. And I remembered her saying I should have told her. I was too timid and scared to raise my hands in class when I was young. It definitely has way passed the stage when I should develop my autonomy. It was a very shameful event, I couldn’t remember if I blamed myself, may be of not speaking out?but definitely it’s shameful.
I also remembered at the age of 11 when my bag was lost in school, the class teacher requested everyone to stay behind until the bag was found. Eventually someone found my bag and no one stole it, it’s only in the classroom, but the whole class was detained because of me. I have never meant to suggest that the bag was stolen when I approached the teacher, but the classteacher made it as if I accused someone who did it. And the teacher said something mean afterwards? Probably something related to me not being careful. I can’t remember. But I remember feeling very guilty and eventually blamed myself. How could I not know of it. This is more related to the feeling of being punished, I think I deserve the punishment, although in retrospect, I dont’t think it was my fault. But I believed so at that time, because of everyone’s gaze and some accusation from the peers. I thought I was the one who created this, if I could be more cautious, this wouldn’t happen.
I also remembered I was supposed to tell the classteacher that one of the classmates needed to go away from class for a while, but I was too timid to say it to the teacher. Eventually when the classmate found it out, she blamed me for not saying it to the teacher, and I also blamed myself.
I have in general very poor recollection of my childhood, but these are out of the few things that I remember very vividly.
I probably kept this self-blame pattern since childhood, if I recall it now.
I don’t know how it can serve me, but it probably it’s a very automatic thought that I generated.

Thanks Anita. Appreciate your respond and patience.

Chau