Dear Simon:

I re-read your posts. This is my understanding. Let me know where I am correct and where I am not correct:

Your mother (with a capital M as you typed it) has been and is a very dominant part of your psyche, your mind. You feel love for her, a strong attachment, a connection but you are puzzled by the fact that you also feel isolated, or quiet, with nothing to say to her.

It is natural for a boy to feel the most intense attachment to his mother. Especially when your father was busy otherwise, working and later absent from your life.

Her happiness, her well being was yours. If she was sad you felt sad. If she was happy, you felt happy. But she was often sad and that made you sad. This is so because as a child your identity was fused with her, as one Unit.

When you took care of a stray dog whom I named Foxy and a fallen sparrow chick, in Thailand, you were doing for another what was not adequately done for you. Your mother was not adequately available for you. You needed from her more than she was able and/or willing to give you.

You have done pretty well in life, relationship and work life. I would recommend that you focus on your relationship with your partner and continue and improve your work life. As far as your relationship with your mother, don’t try to change it. It is not your fault that you are silent with her, it is a consequence of her lack of adequate availability to you.

anita