Dear Nan:

I just read your posts in your first thread starting on 1/27/16: Dilemma about past/present/future. I did because I am trying to figure out something I am not seeing. These are your quotes from that thread and my thoughts are in parentheses. I wonder if this could be helpful to you:

“…My mother contined to adivse that I made a mistake and come home. She pointed out small worries as BIG worries (This tendency to see small worries as BIG worries is Nan’s tendency, one which is seeing R-2 as a MONSTER who will do terrible violent things when Nan leaves … while all along, in 35 years or so, there was no real violence coming from him)

“…I left my husband (R-1) by dropping a letter on the table…(Nan was afraid he, R-1, will fall apart as well, do something violent?)

“…I was adopted by my paternal grandmother when I was 3 months old, since biological mother disappeared. She had always made me feel like I “owed” her… I did not have a bad relationship with her, just a guilt-ridden one, of pleasing and feeling guilty when going my own way (The relationship that set in motion al others, specifically the one with R-2)

“…The risk of talking this out with current husband, is the extreme reaction, maybe violent, maybe just total emotional collapse on his part.(severe exaggeration of consequences based on Nan’s experience with her mother who must have severely exaggerated negative responses to any small thing Nan did, so Nan got the believing that anything Nan does will bring about terrible consequences. Imagining an example: Nan spilled milk on floor and her mother falling apart, crying and yelling how Nan destroyed her life by spilling the milk, how she, the mother can’t go on living, what a terrible person Nan is… wild example).

“… Through a therapist I had gone to last year for a short while, we determined that I had “married my mother” again (I agree: Nan sees R-2 not like R-2 is but like her mother was- she inaccurately projects her mother into R-2 which is easy for Nan to do since they have similarities. Like her mother,R-2 also focuses on himself, how terrible HIS life is, how good Nan has it, how unfortunate he is, how fortunate Nan is)

…”(Nan) started feeling “less than” and always pointing out to me, my deficiencies as to looks, housecleaning, making love, etc…..always less than the vapid and shallow other females in the family (Something Nan’s mother did as well, compare her to others, to Nan’s disadvantage, as less than?)

“…it crushes me to think of always thinking of others being hurt.. (Her mother must have repeated to Nan how much Nan was hurting her)

“…Those family who say they “love” me, really don’t, they just know that I make things convenient and comfortable for them. If they truly loved me, they would want me to find my happiness. Most of my married family life has been ” What about me?” from those around me. My mother also was ” What about me? You owe me!” ,so life kept repeating itself. (Yes, relationship with her mother setting the template for all others)

“… I cant speak logically or calmly to the husband, not sure of emotional collapse or violence that may come of it… (it is Nan’s experience with her mother’s histrionics, faked emotional collapse and suggested violence that she, Nan, is inaccurately projecting into R-2)

“…I have had a “melancholy” marriage for a dozen years or more. You know the one, where something is missing, but cant put your thoughts clearly on what it is? NO fights, no arguments, just feeling taken for granted (no basis in reality for Nan’s fears of violence. These fears are based strictly on her experience decades ago, with her mother).

“…I rarely asked for discussions, because the discussions would deteriorate into “How miserable can you be? What about me?” He always mentioned how my education and life were so much better than his….I have always never bitched or moaned, because he always said he had a lousy life, and why am I complaining?…(Triggers her mother’s focus on her misery, her self, and so projecting the mother into R-2 is made easier, more likely by this input by him. This input triggers Nan’s old patterns of thinking and behaving).

“…. Do you know the insane jealousy and anger, if he finds out the situation with R-1? (Again, it is the insane jealousy that Nan experienced from her mother that she is projecting into R-2. Nan wrote that her mother was jealous at R-1 and that is why she sabotaged that relationship)

“….R-2 found out about our communication one year ago, cried, collapsed and yelled, ” That F……r is still in my life, that SOB!” I denied any feelings and said it was just a mild flirt via Facebook and since then, he doesn’t know I still communicate or see him…R-2 became super sweet then and nothing like his usual nature for about 5 months, and then went back to his usual ways of whining about his life is lousy and his suffering in this life (perfect evidence to the fact that R-2 is not dangerous. All he did was exclaim “That f–” and then was sweet to Nan for five months- my goodness, this is evidence of the exact opposite happening from what Nan fears. He didn’t get violent- he good sweet!)

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Please read and re-read this, Nan. Meditate on this. These are your writings, all yours except what in parenthesis. Don’t gloss over this in your mind, but seriously consider what is in here, please.

anita