Dear Sue:

You wrote: ” he made me feel safe.. I am totally scared. I have no idea what I am so afraid of. My anxiety is awful.”

At times, for long enough periods of time, you felt safe with this guy. SAFE is the key word.

As a child you were not safe. You were scared- the fighting between your parents was scary, your mother abandoning you… and yet again, was scary. Not having a safe home, that was scary.

So Safety is the key word, the most important thing to you.

You felt safe with the guy, and now he is gone from your life. Doesn’t matter that you did the breakup, but the feeling of safety is gone with the guy, and without that feeling to soothe your fear from long ago, that fear intensified.

You wrote: “I have no idea what I am so afraid of”- I believe I know what you are afraid of: you are afraid of all the things you were afraid of when you were a child: the fighting, the abandonment, being alone. It is the same fear. It didn’t disappear because of the years gone by.

A child needs safety and when not getting it for so long, the fear that keeps going and going, keeps circulating in the brain, looking for Safety.

Lots of people find that feeling of safety in AA meetings: the meeting schedule, the routine, the sameness in it and the same people you see, all these things give a feeling of safety. Can you attend AA meetings regularly for that reason? Maybe other support groups?

I know this fear, I believe I know the fear you are experiencing, known it five decades as well, being 55. For the same reason, fear in childhood, too much fear for too long.

What helped me through my healing process of over five years at this point: aerobic exercise (brisk long walks, or swimming), hot baths, yoga, tai chi, psychotherapy with a competent therapist: CBT + Mindfulness, guided meditation, moving meditation (yoga and tai chi are two of the latter), cutting contact with my mother (the source of my childhood fear), and more.

Post anytime and ask me anything you’d like to ask. I am … almost an open book as well.

anita