Luvthatsun,

First off, welcome! I hope you find this place safe and supportive.

6 months is not that long considering you were with this man for 10 years! Unfortunately the best way to get over someone (in my opinion), allow yourself to feel the grief, the anger, the disappointment, the relief…everything! Think of it like cleaning out your house – sure, you can move a bunch of stuff up into the attic and forget it’s there, but eventually you find all that junk, and it will just be more work to deal with than if you had unpacked everything and thrown it out months ago. Right now you are doing the right thing in going to counselling, sorting through the aftermath of emotions and putting each one in the “Keep” or “Toss” bin. Don’t derail your grieving process by suppressing your feelings.

However, if you do need some practical tips when you just need a mental break (which is OK), here’s what’s worked for me when I couldn’t get an ex out of my head:

– Exercise: even if it’s just walking
– Mindless video games like Bejeweled or Angry Birds: you’ll be so hyper focused on trying to get to the next level your mind will clear
– Hobbies that require attention to details/repetition: Knitting was my favorite – again, I pushed distractions out of my head so I didn’t risk dropping stitches
– Redecorate!: I’m not saying you have to do a house clearing/feng shui treatment, but changing your space is very powerful. Get rid of (or hide) anything that triggers negative emotions.

And this goes without saying, but breakups can cause people to relapse back into unhealthy habits. If you haven’t already, make sure you have an AA sponsor at the ready in case you feel tempted.

Best of luck to you! You’ve made it through some tough days already, which makes me believe you’ll make it through this too!

Dear Sue:

Clearly you are emotionally attached to this man. You wrote that you are examining childhood issues with a counselor. Childhood is where and when we formed our first attachment.

Will you share here about the childhood issues you are examining in counseling?

anita

Dear Sue:

You wrote: ” he made me feel safe.. I am totally scared. I have no idea what I am so afraid of. My anxiety is awful.”

At times, for long enough periods of time, you felt safe with this guy. SAFE is the key word.

As a child you were not safe. You were scared- the fighting between your parents was scary, your mother abandoning you… and yet again, was scary. Not having a safe home, that was scary.

So Safety is the key word, the most important thing to you.

You felt safe with the guy, and now he is gone from your life. Doesn’t matter that you did the breakup, but the feeling of safety is gone with the guy, and without that feeling to soothe your fear from long ago, that fear intensified.

You wrote: “I have no idea what I am so afraid of”- I believe I know what you are afraid of: you are afraid of all the things you were afraid of when you were a child: the fighting, the abandonment, being alone. It is the same fear. It didn’t disappear because of the years gone by.

A child needs safety and when not getting it for so long, the fear that keeps going and going, keeps circulating in the brain, looking for Safety.

Lots of people find that feeling of safety in AA meetings: the meeting schedule, the routine, the sameness in it and the same people you see, all these things give a feeling of safety. Can you attend AA meetings regularly for that reason? Maybe other support groups?

I know this fear, I believe I know the fear you are experiencing, known it five decades as well, being 55. For the same reason, fear in childhood, too much fear for too long.

What helped me through my healing process of over five years at this point: aerobic exercise (brisk long walks, or swimming), hot baths, yoga, tai chi, psychotherapy with a competent therapist: CBT + Mindfulness, guided meditation, moving meditation (yoga and tai chi are two of the latter), cutting contact with my mother (the source of my childhood fear), and more.

Post anytime and ask me anything you’d like to ask. I am … almost an open book as well.

anita

Dear luvtahtsun,

From your post it is clear that you have gone through a lot in life.

Suppressed feelings – “I have suppressed a lot of my feeling”
childhood traumas
feeling abandoned
not feeling acknowledged, not shown love and respect
trying to deal with things from the past
My anxiety is awful and I’m depressed
I know I have to figure out me and who I am. It’s so very hard!

But the good thing is you need not anymore.

All of the above issues are simply beating you up. The mind does not have any answers anymore.
And that is when you say…
“It is so hard and i am having trouble understanding how to do all of this.”
This is the time when a practical healing technique will take you out of your situation.

For all your issues I suggest you to give a try to EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique). You need not spend anything as EFT is explained very well through various articles all over the internet and also through YouTube videos.

It’s a simple technique to do.

How would you be without all the above issues? Absolutely free. Isn’t it?

Once you are “cleared” you will feel free and then comes the openness, freedom and choice to live limitlessly towards the life you have desired.

You can do so while you continue your conversation on this site so that you get assistance from other members too.

If you need any information please write back.

Take care,
VJ

• This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by VJ.

Just wanted to say yay for your sobriety, and hang on to that. Take care of yourself as best you can and life will get easier.