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I am so frustrated and confused…… :(

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 20 total)
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  • #113539
    Sue
    Participant

    Hi! I am new here and this is my first post. I am in my early 50’s. I was in a on and off 10year relationship.The last break up was about 6 months ago. I was the one who broke up. Why can’t I forget about him?? I know in my mind the relationship can never work but my heart tells me otherwise. Will the heart ever catch up to the brain.He is lazy, disrespectful, no ambition, sleeps all the time and has nothing financially to offer and started drinking again. I am miserable and want to know what he is doing all the time. I cry alot and still can’t get over him. I attend counselling and have alot of good days but some days are terrible. I am now on meds for anxiety and depression now. I thought I would feel better by now. I feel sad and frustrated and just want to move on with my life. How do I make my mind stop thinking about him? Is it my own self worth stopping me. I am working on some childhood issues with my counsellor and am hoping that will help soon. Any advice from anyone out there would be fantastic. If you have any questions I am an open book. I am also an alcoholic but sober for 7years now (yeah me). Thanks……Sue

    #113566

    Luvthatsun,

    First off, welcome! I hope you find this place safe and supportive.

    6 months is not that long considering you were with this man for 10 years! Unfortunately the best way to get over someone (in my opinion), allow yourself to feel the grief, the anger, the disappointment, the relief…everything! Think of it like cleaning out your house – sure, you can move a bunch of stuff up into the attic and forget it’s there, but eventually you find all that junk, and it will just be more work to deal with than if you had unpacked everything and thrown it out months ago. Right now you are doing the right thing in going to counselling, sorting through the aftermath of emotions and putting each one in the “Keep” or “Toss” bin. Don’t derail your grieving process by suppressing your feelings.

    However, if you do need some practical tips when you just need a mental break (which is OK), here’s what’s worked for me when I couldn’t get an ex out of my head:

    – Exercise: even if it’s just walking
    – Mindless video games like Bejeweled or Angry Birds: you’ll be so hyper focused on trying to get to the next level your mind will clear
    – Hobbies that require attention to details/repetition: Knitting was my favorite – again, I pushed distractions out of my head so I didn’t risk dropping stitches
    – Redecorate!: I’m not saying you have to do a house clearing/feng shui treatment, but changing your space is very powerful. Get rid of (or hide) anything that triggers negative emotions.

    And this goes without saying, but breakups can cause people to relapse back into unhealthy habits. If you haven’t already, make sure you have an AA sponsor at the ready in case you feel tempted.

    Best of luck to you! You’ve made it through some tough days already, which makes me believe you’ll make it through this too!

    #113572
    VJ
    Participant

    Dear luvthatsun,

    A warm welcome to TinyBuddha!

    “Why can’t I forget about him?? I know in my mind the relationship can never work but my heart tells me otherwise. Will the heart ever catch up to the brain”
    “I cry alot and still can’t get over him”
    “I feel sad and frustrated and just want to move on with my life. How do I make my mind stop thinking about him?”

    Yes, it is very important to distract yourself from those past thoughts/feelings/emotions/memories/stories/scenes, etc.
    At the same time, it is also difficult for the mind to do that and that is exactly what you are experiencing. No matter what we do, we can’t get over those thoughts from the head. It’s like – If I tell you to NOT think of blue elephants, the first thing that comes to the screen of the mind are blue elephants.

    Miniature Bodhisattva has very well laid out some

      practical tips

    to get things “out of your head”.
    Please do them. Also carry on with your counselling and meds.

    Along with them, you may also want to do some energy healing techniques.
    I have explained them on this page for a situation something similar to yours.

    I can not live normal anymore I can not accept it


    It’s on Quote

      #113485

    Search for 113485 on this page.

    I’m sure things will be alright.

    Take care.
    VJ

    #113611
    Sue
    Participant

    Thanks Mini Buddha! Wow your reply was great and made me feel better already. I know 6 months is not long but I have been on and off with this guy for 10 years and usually it is me doing the breaking up so I guess I thought it would just be easier. I love all your ideas about getting my mind off of him. I will definately try some on those. Thank you also for the AA advice. Drinking actually did cross my mind at one point. He and I quit drinking together and he has started again. I DO NOT want to go down that route. I tell myself I can overcome all of this….I have to be strong….which some days is hard. Counselling is very helpful but also expensive. I am trying to go as much as possible. It’s so nice to have a group of people to go to on here. I’m sure I will get alot of this site. I also hope in the end I can help others. I think my next step may be to get rid of social media and contact with his family. This causes alot of pain and memories that I can’t deal with right now. Thanks again for your great advice…….

    Sue

    #113612
    Sue
    Participant

    Hi VJ! Thanks for replying. I will check out the energy healing techniques also. Very interested in that. I have been doing some guided meditation which definately helps to relax me and to sleep. I have signed up for meditation classes which start soon. I’ll let you know what I think about the healing techniques. Thanks again for your support.

    Sue

    #113618
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sue:

    Clearly you are emotionally attached to this man. You wrote that you are examining childhood issues with a counselor. Childhood is where and when we formed our first attachment.

    Will you share here about the childhood issues you are examining in counseling?

    anita

    #113683
    Sue
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    My childhood was not the best. I think I have suppressed alot of my feeling….I know I have and am struggling to bring them all up. My father is an alcoholic and was very abusive with my mother. She put up with the abuse for years and years. My older sister would come to my room when the fighting would start and she would hide with me in my closet until the fighting stopped or sometimes we would have to go and “save” mom. Eventually my mom left with my dads bestfriend. My sister went to work on fishing boats and i was left (a young teen) to cope with my father. I would take care of him and make sure he got up for work every morning then get myself ready for school. Eventually I went to live my mom and her boyfriend. That lasted awhile and then she came to her senses and left him. She eventually ended up with R. She married him and we moved with R and his son. When I was 18yrs old my mom came to me and said I am moving away with R and his son, what are you going to do? So my mom was abandoning me again. My sister already had and I wasn’t going to live my father and his new wife. I moved out with my boyfriend and he physically and mentally abused me for 5 years. I finally left. My mom boyfriends son, whom I spent alot of time with, killed himself and that was very hard for me but of course nobody acknowledged my feeling. I was never shown love or respect. My mom was very selfish and only thought of herself. I also was sexually abused by my friends brother and her grandfather when I was about 7 or 8. Of course I turned to alcohol and that covered everything up. I just drank away my problems. Both my parents ended up marrying again, each for the 3rd time and to this day are still married.

    I stopped drinking 7yrs ago but not because I thought I was an alcoholic but because this guy went to rehab to stop and I wanted to support him. I now know I am an alcoholic and I am finally trying to deal with things from the past. It is so hard and i am having trouble understanding how to do all of this. I think alot of my issues with this guy are that he made me feel safe and I always new he would never leave me so know that I did the breaking up I am totally scared. I have no idea what I am so afraid of. My anxiety is awful and I’m depressed but at the same time I know this relationship will never work as I’ve tried so many times. I know I have to figure out me and who I am. It’s so very hard! 🙁

    Let me know if you have any other questions and any help would be most appreciated!

    Thanks,
    S.

    #113690
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sue:

    You wrote: ” he made me feel safe.. I am totally scared. I have no idea what I am so afraid of. My anxiety is awful.”

    At times, for long enough periods of time, you felt safe with this guy. SAFE is the key word.

    As a child you were not safe. You were scared- the fighting between your parents was scary, your mother abandoning you… and yet again, was scary. Not having a safe home, that was scary.

    So Safety is the key word, the most important thing to you.

    You felt safe with the guy, and now he is gone from your life. Doesn’t matter that you did the breakup, but the feeling of safety is gone with the guy, and without that feeling to soothe your fear from long ago, that fear intensified.

    You wrote: “I have no idea what I am so afraid of”- I believe I know what you are afraid of: you are afraid of all the things you were afraid of when you were a child: the fighting, the abandonment, being alone. It is the same fear. It didn’t disappear because of the years gone by.

    A child needs safety and when not getting it for so long, the fear that keeps going and going, keeps circulating in the brain, looking for Safety.

    Lots of people find that feeling of safety in AA meetings: the meeting schedule, the routine, the sameness in it and the same people you see, all these things give a feeling of safety. Can you attend AA meetings regularly for that reason? Maybe other support groups?

    I know this fear, I believe I know the fear you are experiencing, known it five decades as well, being 55. For the same reason, fear in childhood, too much fear for too long.

    What helped me through my healing process of over five years at this point: aerobic exercise (brisk long walks, or swimming), hot baths, yoga, tai chi, psychotherapy with a competent therapist: CBT + Mindfulness, guided meditation, moving meditation (yoga and tai chi are two of the latter), cutting contact with my mother (the source of my childhood fear), and more.

    Post anytime and ask me anything you’d like to ask. I am … almost an open book as well.

    anita

    #113696
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    Safety is, to a certain extent, an illusion. Nobody is ever 100% safe. Sadly, people associate safety with things that may not actually be safe. It seems that you associated safety with somebody who had no financial responsibility and who had addiction problems. Those things are not conducive to safety. It seems that you recognized that, and now emotionally regret the decision to leave.

    Why beat yourself up for getting out of a situation that isn’t good for you?

    #113699
    VJ
    Participant

    Dear luvtahtsun,

    From your post it is clear that you have gone through a lot in life.

    Suppressed feelings – “I have suppressed a lot of my feeling”
    childhood traumas
    feeling abandoned
    not feeling acknowledged, not shown love and respect
    trying to deal with things from the past
    My anxiety is awful and I’m depressed
    I know I have to figure out me and who I am. It’s so very hard!

    But the good thing is you need not anymore.

    All of the above issues are simply beating you up. The mind does not have any answers anymore.
    And that is when you say…
    “It is so hard and i am having trouble understanding how to do all of this.”
    This is the time when a practical healing technique will take you out of your situation.

    For all your issues I suggest you to give a try to EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique). You need not spend anything as EFT is explained very well through various articles all over the internet and also through YouTube videos.

    It’s a simple technique to do.

    How would you be without all the above issues? Absolutely free. Isn’t it?

    Once you are “cleared” you will feel free and then comes the openness, freedom and choice to live limitlessly towards the life you have desired.

    You can do so while you continue your conversation on this site so that you get assistance from other members too.

    If you need any information please write back.

    Take care,
    VJ

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 10 months ago by VJ.
    #113793
    Sue
    Participant

    Anita,
    Thank you for your reply. I have learned alot from it. Yes the safety issue is big for me for sure. I feel like my mind is all over the map. Kinda like I don’t know what to do with myself. I want to do everything, try everything, move forward but I feel confused as where to start I guess. As for AA a couple of people have suggested that and I feel like that might be a good place for me to start. I have never attended a meeting. When i quit drinking is was not for myself at the time. I was supporting my ex and not until a few years ago did I finally admit that I am an alcoholic but have never received any support with it. Best decision I ever made though. I think it might be a good idea to give it a try and I can definately see how it might make me feel secure. I am a little afraid to attend a meeting on my own. Do you happen to live in BC, Canada? I am going to be honest I almost have drank a couple of times as it just seems easy to pick up a bottle and make all this pain go away but deep down I know I can’t and I really don’t want to. Thank you also for the other ideas of things to try. I have enrolled in a meditation class as I think that is something I want to get involved with. I will definately try a some of your other ideas also. I feel as though we have alot in common. I am in counselling and that is helping also. I feel as though some days things are wonderful and other days I am a wreck but things are not as bad as they were 2 months ago. I could not even go to work and had to take a leave. One other thing, what does CBT stand for? Do you finally feel safe in your own skin Anita? How long does all this take? I just want to feel better.

    Hi VJ,
    I will look up about EFT and give it a go and let you know what I think and if I do have any questions I will definately get back to you. Thanks for your help and support.

    Sue

    #113815
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Just wanted to say yay for your sobriety, and hang on to that. Take care of yourself as best you can and life will get easier.

    #113824
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sue:

    You are welcome. And I do happen to live less than an hour away, south of the border with BC Canada.

    Regarding the fear from childhood, my fear: I am working on it currently. This very morning, before getting to your thread. It’s quite amazing. It really is the things that scared me as a child, the same things keep scaring me.

    I suggested AA for the social support element, the feeling of safety that many get in that context. At the least, it is something for you to try and evaluate for yourself. There are meeting at different times of the day, different kinds of AA meetings. You may want to try one, if one doesn’t feel right, maybe try another.

    Meditation is also something to try, if not sitting meditation then moving-meditation such as practiced in slow yoga, tai chi and otherwise, mindful walking (paying attention to your movement, the feel of the feet on the ground, the sounds, sights… that is walking attentively, not automatically with the mind lost in thought). Counseling with a competent, empathetic therapist/ counselor is excellent. You mentioned medication: I was on a few of those for about 17 years. At times it felt better but my life did not improve at all as a result, only got worse and getting off them was a nightmare. Three years almost of no longer taking them and I still suffer from the affect (higher anxiety!)

    You asked: “Do you finally feel safe in your own skin Anita? How long does all this take? I just want to feel better.” Still in process but yes, I feel safer in my own skin. I am more trustful of myself, that is, I trust that I can endure and survive feelings. I no longer panic as often when a thought occurs to me- some thoughts still scare me. I now know that I can soothe myself when scared, that there is something I can do and not be a helpless victim of fear, hijacked by it.

    My first competent therapy was in 2011, so it is taking me now over five years of hard, persistent work.

    Fear is the most powerful emotion there is, so patience and gentleness with yourself is key. Enduring fear, living better with fear, this cannot be taught. It is a process where you do what you can today and tomorrow will be another day. Tomorrow something new will occur to you (or the day/ week/ month after). Today you take care of yourself best you can, this very moment. It will get better: you will feel better over time if you persist.

    anita

    #113854
    Sue
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Do you feel lonely and afraid at times? I am feeling very lonely these days. I feel like I won’t have anyone in my life and that scares truly scares me. I had a bad day today and could not get it together to go to work. I am feeling better now and managed to block my ex on social media (which I thought was good step). I did some guided meditation and that helped alot. I feel like I would like to keep in touch with you more privately (email or even facebook) but not sure how to do that on here….lol. Sounds like you have come a long way over the years and you should be proud of that. I will persist! I am trying to take things one day at a time.

    I was asking about where you live thinking you could attend an AA meeting with me cause that really scares me but I will eventually muster the courage to do it! Thanks again for taking the time to write to me. It helps alot to know I’m not alone. 🙂

    sue

    #113855
    Sue
    Participant

    Thanks for the words of encouragement Monklet80! Much appreciated! 🙂
    Sue

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