Forum Replies Created
September 19, 2016 at 12:17 am #115579
That’s lovely. Someone told me once (and I’ve made the decision to believe it), “words that are spoken / thought are always delivered…even if only energetically.” So I have no doubt yours will make their way to her, even if she never logs on to the site.
And I applaud you for not only expressing gratitude, but also your hurt/disappointment. Both are equally valid, and one does not diminish the other.
Take good care of yourself in these days ahead.September 18, 2016 at 10:20 pm #115575
You’ve been together for a year and you haven’t met any of his friends or family? That’s curious. Has he met yours? Now, there’s no “correct” timetable for relationships, nor is a requisite that you each meet all the players in one another’s lives, but if there’s a discussion of marriage there should be plans to meet all these people at some point…especially if he has children.
Anita’s right, whatever you feel, insecurity or loneliness is OK – but go that extra mile and ask why you feel that way, and more importantly why you aren’t talking about it with your partner. Are you scared? If so, why? Say (for example…I don’t want to put thoughts into your head, but I need something for the sake of argument) you’re frightened that his workload won’t change and he won’t be around as often as you like. Aren’t these issues/fears best addressed early? You can tell a lot about the health of a relationship if you feel comfortable bringing up concerns with the other person. You should never feel embarrassed or worried about discussing your hopes and fears with your partner…provided you do it in a respectful manner.
As to the issue of you being grateful, well, while gratitude is important, I think the real question you should be asking is, “is this relationship what I want and in alignment with my greatest good?” Again, there’s no right or wrong answer, as we all have different needs. While nobody gets everything that they want, be careful that compromise doesn’t turn into sacrificing who you are.
So be thankful to have someone you care about, but don’t settle. Express your concerns to your partner, work on yourself (which is what we all should be doing, regardless of our relationship status)…don’t be afraid to enlist the assistance of a trained professional like a therapist. If you don’t have a support system while you’re partner is away, it’s key to find someone to talk to in the meantime.
Best of luck!September 18, 2016 at 9:46 pm #115574
I’m sorry your friend is moving away, especially given the fact it’s on the heels of losing your mom.
You don’t know what the future will bring. The distance may make him miss you/value you more and strengthen your bond, or it may be the first step in you two eventually drifting apart. Someone told me once that friends are in your life for “a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” Who knows, maybe this man needs to leave your life to make room for a romantic partner, who will be both a friend and a lover.
When I’ve had friends move away, I take time to grieve…even if they’ve stayed in my life, the distance does change things. Then I put in the work to stay in touch. For some, it’s phone calls/letters, others it’s texts…depends on the person. Overtime it becomes clear if the other person is going to reciprocate the effort, and then I sit down and consider (if they aren’t investing in the friendship), “am I OK with this?” Sometimes the answer is yes…I have friends I only hear from once a year and it’s cool – we can still talk like no time has passed. Sometimes my head/heart say no, and I accept it, thank the universe for the time we had, and let them go. Sometimes we reconnect later down the line, sometimes not.
Then I take the free time to find new friendships/relationships or get reacquainted with myself. Usually the latter. It’s a lonely time, but so worth it. Those are the times I’ve reinvented myself.
Best of luck to you! Be kind to yourself, and just take it day by day with your friend.August 28, 2016 at 9:51 pm #113570
I soak up other’s feelings/energies like a sponge. I’m struggling right now with a very toxic colleague who constantly mutters negative things over the cubicle wall. How I’ve coped is when I feel the negativity seeping in I immediately say, “not mine” and imagine a shield of white light blocking out her energies. (Sometimes I’ll put on headphones to block out the sound, even if I’m not listening to music.) Identifying what emotions are yours vs. others is key to nipping any reaction in the bud. You are only responsible for your own emotions, not those of others. Keep feeding that message to your brain.
Anyone who is empath/highly sensitive also needs to be really good at establishing boundaries. Unfortunately a lot of people take advantage of your nature and will dump all their emotions on you. Until you build up better defenses, avoid or limit your interactions with these psychic vampires. Sometimes I’ll cut somebody off and say, “excuse me, [person’s name], I have to use the rest room” or “unfortunately I can’t talk, I have to get this done.” (Notice in each example I did not invite them to continue the conversation later.) Do this enough and they’ll get the hint to move on.
Hope that’s helpful!August 28, 2016 at 9:22 pm #113566
First off, welcome! I hope you find this place safe and supportive.
6 months is not that long considering you were with this man for 10 years! Unfortunately the best way to get over someone (in my opinion), allow yourself to feel the grief, the anger, the disappointment, the relief…everything! Think of it like cleaning out your house – sure, you can move a bunch of stuff up into the attic and forget it’s there, but eventually you find all that junk, and it will just be more work to deal with than if you had unpacked everything and thrown it out months ago. Right now you are doing the right thing in going to counselling, sorting through the aftermath of emotions and putting each one in the “Keep” or “Toss” bin. Don’t derail your grieving process by suppressing your feelings.
However, if you do need some practical tips when you just need a mental break (which is OK), here’s what’s worked for me when I couldn’t get an ex out of my head:
– Exercise: even if it’s just walking
– Mindless video games like Bejeweled or Angry Birds: you’ll be so hyper focused on trying to get to the next level your mind will clear
– Hobbies that require attention to details/repetition: Knitting was my favorite – again, I pushed distractions out of my head so I didn’t risk dropping stitches
– Redecorate!: I’m not saying you have to do a house clearing/feng shui treatment, but changing your space is very powerful. Get rid of (or hide) anything that triggers negative emotions.
And this goes without saying, but breakups can cause people to relapse back into unhealthy habits. If you haven’t already, make sure you have an AA sponsor at the ready in case you feel tempted.
Best of luck to you! You’ve made it through some tough days already, which makes me believe you’ll make it through this too!August 28, 2016 at 8:58 pm #113564
MMSmith is right, it is possible to be friends, but you definitely need to make sure you’re both 100% healed from the breakup first.
While praying for him is lovely, be sure to not forget about about yourself in all of this. The saying, “you can’t pour from an empty cup” comes to mind. Try, as difficult as it may be, to channel all the energy you have going his way back to you. Be a great friend to *yourself*, and you’ll be on your way to mending your heart.
If you meditate, I would recommend doing a metta (loving-kindness) meditation. Search YouTube or the Insight Time app for one that resonates with you. Typically they start with you sending warm thoughts to yourself, then to someone you love (not a romantic partner), someone you are angry with, and then the world. It’s very powerful. Give it a try!
Best of luck to you!August 24, 2016 at 9:45 pm #113224
Man, I love #7 – I may just tattoo that on my arm just so I remember it. We are made to give and receive love. Beautiful.
Great list. The only addendum I’d consider adding is don’t downplay how chance/luck/opportunity plays into the mating game. We can be the best/healthiest version of ourselves, but if we aren’t getting out there and making the effort to find the right person we never will. Not everybody gets paired up with a compatible person right away. Just because your and your last partner weren’t a match, it doesn’t mean you won’t find somebody eventually. Even if you’ve “failed”, it’s a learning opportunity and better prepares you to be ready when the right person does cross your path.
That you again Brav3!August 24, 2016 at 9:29 pm #113221
I have friends who are 15-20 minutes away, have smartphones that are perfectly capable of sending text messages/phone calls and yet I’m lucky if I see them once a month! Now, it’s not that they don’t care about me, etc. it’s just this day in age and the culture we live in people are increasingly more exhausted/less motivated to reach out (especially if you’re past the college/new graduate age). I doubt it’s personal. They may be making assumptions that you and your sweetie don’t want to make the drive or want to enjoy the first months together in your new place.
So try reaching out to them and say (word this carefully so it doesn’t come off as needy or an attack), “I miss you guys. I know I’ve been busy, but the next time you all plan a get together, let me know! [Boyfriend’s Name] and I would love to come.” Or invite them over to your new place!
If they’re vague or don’t follow through, well, then accept the fact you are not a priority for them *right now*. Give them space, and if they don’t reach out, well then, maybe Inky is right and you’ve been phased out (again, either out of laziness or, perhaps, out of intention).
As lovely as it would be to hold onto friendships, the romantic notion of “best friends forever” is not always a reality. Circumstances and relationships change. As the saying goes, “people come into your life for reason, a season, or a lifetime.” Treasure the time you *did* have with these people, leave the door open for them to return if you wish, and move on.August 24, 2016 at 9:09 pm #113213
Tofu Stir Fry,
I’ve been there, it’s tough. Digging out of debt takes discipline, patience, and a little luck.
First off, if you can, consult a professional financial adviser. (They’re not just for rich people!) Go to your local library (assuming you have access to one) and have the people at the research desk help you find one. Just as someone with depression needs a good therapist, you will probably benefit from an expert to come up with a game plan tailored to your situation. Come ready with all your bank and credit card/loan statements. They may want to contact your creditors to try to lower your interest rate/monthly payments (it never hurts to ask!), so be prepared for that…especially if you’re late/behind on payments.
Now if that’s not doable, I hate to say it, but you’re going to need to either get a raise, find a better paying job, or side gig. You can slash your budget to the bone, but the fact of the matter is the cost of living will continue to rise, so any cost cutting will only be a short term cure. Again, I’ve been there, so I don’t say this lightly. I started out working in a call center gig and clawed my way up, switching jobs/companies/careers…it won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. Don’t limit your search to your current role or field, think big…you’d be surprised how many transferable skills you have.
I hope I haven’t overwhelmed you! I wish I could provide more bite-sized action items, but since I’m not an expert in such matters I don’t want to give you bad advice. The only final thing I’ll say is you are not alone in this and if there’s a silver lining to all of this is it may be the “push” you need to get to you to where you are meant to be.
Best of luck to you!August 18, 2016 at 12:08 am #112730
One word: Bribery.
Gets me friends everytime. 🙂
I’m joking of course. As others have said, you are not alone. Given all the things that distract one in this modern age (family, job, technology, etc.) we all have very little left in the tank to pursue (much less maintain) meaningful friendships. More and more people isolate themselves as a result. It’s sad.
Still, I’m a firm believer you catch what you want when you do the following:
1) Announce your intention to the universe (which you’ve already done here – excellent work!)
2) Get out of the house/apartment/underground bunker and go outside!
3) When meeting new people, be expectation-free and keep an open mind. This person may not be your new best friend, but they may *introduce* you to somebody else or fill the role of a “supporting cast” member in the play of your life.
4) Keep up doing your self work – the happier and healthier you are, the more likely you are to attract quality people/opportunities.
I met my current crop of friends through a bowling league, work, temple, mutual acquaintances, and a women’s group. Be patient, and it will happen!
Best of luck to you!August 17, 2016 at 10:54 pm #112727
Thank you so much! I grinned ear to ear when I read, “progress, not perfection”. I actually read that exact same thing elsewhere and made it my personal mantra for this year…I appreciate you reminding me! I do cringe because I’m not perfect (that’s another thing I’m working on – the unreasonable expectations I have for myself). Just as I wouldn’t be harsh on a child learning to ride a bike, I shouldn’t be hard on myself when I’m learning (re-learning?) the skill of being assertive.
BTW, I think I speak for everyone on the Tiny Buddha Forum when I say how much I appreciate the work you’re doing here. You’ve helped out a lot of people – including me! 🙂August 17, 2016 at 8:49 pm #112711
Thank you all for your comments!
@Vince – Yeah, you’re right, I do think she realized she was in the wrong. After I calmed down a little I did feel a twinge of pity for the her at the situation (being the only one to man the shop with this horde of people).
@Inky – Heh. I’ve always fantasied about throwing some diva-level hissy fit at someone who gave me poor service. If I ever do, I’ll keep the “second class citizen” phrase at the ready.
@Anita – this is actually my second post! I posed another question about bumping into a former flame (search “We Go to the Same Temple”). You and Inky were quite helpful in dealing with that BTW. I actually had another example today at work when the receptionist at my company asked me today to fill in for her in the office activity committee’s preparations for the annual picnic. (I had no desire to get involved for a bunch of different reasons I won’t bore you with.) I said I would (*cringe*) but quickly added, “I just want to make it clear though, I’ll only be doing this one time. I’m sorry (*double cringe*) but I don’t want to be on the committee.” I ended up getting out of it, but again, I was disappointed I just couldn’t say no upfront. I’m at least proud of myself I’m at least putting boundaries – but again, I just wish I could put on my big girl pants and stop trying meet people halfway.
@Peppermint – I love that piece of info from the workshop. I’m definitely going to use it consciously now (as opposed to doing it on accident). I am working with a professional on this, but sometimes it’s good to get fresh perspectives on these things. So again, thank you.
@Kat – Yes, people are strange…but I also know we’re all doing the best we can. I’m hoping the cashier uses this a learning experience…just I have.August 14, 2016 at 3:16 pm #112333
Looks like you have two possible ways of dealing with new workspace:
1) Accept it for what it is. Remember that it only temporary and you’ll be moving on. Whenever you see someone exhibit perfectionist tendencies, say to yourself (silently or aloud), “not mine”, and go about your day the best you can and focus on the things you do enjoy.
2) Make a change. This can be as drastic as leaving the job entirely, or ask to be transferred to another department/project. Even if the general culture is very Type A, you’ll always find pockets of like minded Type Bs in any organization. Find out who those people are and see if you can work with them instead.
Hope that helps!August 14, 2016 at 2:20 pm #112329
First off, bless you for being a teacher…it’s truly one of the most difficult and sadly thankless jobs out there. Some of the most influential people in my life were teachers, and some of my best friends are teachers, so I hold profession in high regard.
My friends who are teachers have all told me stories that are similar to yours…and it’s not just students who suffer from ADD. Kids talking, listening to music on their headphones that are so loud everyone can hear, playing games on their smartphones…in short just being rude and inconsiderate.
After talking to them about it, what really bothered them wasn’t the noise, distractions, or even the behavior, but the fact they felt helpless in doing anything about it and unsupported by parents/administrators.
So what I’m trying to say in my round about way (and Anita touched on this a bit) is maybe it isn’t the noise of the clicking pens, etc. but what they represent that’s making you lose your usual centeredness? Are you bitter that you can’t just ask the student to leave? Upset that you feel like you’re doing a poor job because you can’t concentrate? Do these kids remind you of someone you can’t stand? (You get the idea.)
In the meantime getting caught up on your rest is key. I know I snap at people when I’m hungry or tired! Take personal days if you have to.
I’d also check out resources for people that suffer from Misophonia – which is a medical condition of being super sensitive to noises. I have a relative that has the condition and he has been managing it for over two years now, but it did require a lot of life style changes. Don’t be afraid to discuss this with your doctor to see if you might have this.
Best of luck!August 14, 2016 at 1:33 pm #112327
Looks like you’ve gotten some solid advice from everyone, but I would like to throw in one last thing – don’t forget about yourself in all of this. Yes, it is absolutely critical you not pressure her, listen, etc., but remember *you are also in this marriage*. It sounds like you’re doing a good job of vocalizing your fears to her, which is really important, but your work doesn’t stop there. Since you’re having to walk that fine of line of giving her space *and* honoring your own feelings, it’s critical you reach out to friends and family to vent to and lean on for support. I would also maybe consider seeking out a therapist for yourself who’s dealt with individuals going through separations. They’ll give you the emotional and communication tools you’ll need to deal with this very difficult situation.
Best of luck!