Hi Anita

Thanks you very much for your reply. I spent 2 years after losing that job in a sort of a depressive state about why i was made redundant and not others. I did look closer like you said and had spoken with several friends on this and ex workers on this and they helped me realized it was just a power struggle thing in a huge huge company (it was so big that i never got to the know the other few hundreds that were working there also). One has to look weaker in order for others to shine. One of the other lazy secretaries would email me every other monday to take sick leave off due to headache, tummy ache, tooth ache etc, (i kid you not) and ask me to cover. It happened that one monday, I was sick and could not cover for her. All i know she was called into one of the partners office and got told off for something. After that, people would pass me loads of their work to do, it would take me to 11pm at night to finish while they all left at 6pm. It was our company’s policy to help others out if they can’t handle the work load, i was given their work because of excuses like bad headache, feeling sick at work, pick kids up from school etc. a colleague told me she wanted me to know that someone was spreading rumors that i can’t do my job properly. It was like high school. if one doesn’t like you, they made sure others didn’t! I am amazed that the bosses choose to believe them too! what can i do? so i kept low and did my job thinking that i must have manifested all this bad ill against me. The friends i did have at work were quiet and hardworking too. they were understanding but rather not get into it. My unhappiness more so, is when one by one they left the firm, due to the ill working environment they felt too but I choose to stick it out and not quit. I asked my superiors the day i was let go, why me? they assured me i was an excellent hardworking secretary and it was just bad luck because they had to make cuts and it was nothing personal. The self help books i have read and devoured over the next few years assured me it is ok in life not to be liked by everyone and i have made peace with that. I am really not comfortable speaking ill of them now, as i don’t want to relive the past – its the past it is over. I am looking forward to the future but as i mentioned in my original posting, i am really not sure what is blocking me. Thank you for your probing question, it did make me think, now i realized i have been too weak in the past and not practicing self love because i was doing all i can to get everyone’s approval of me. maybe you can shred more light on this based on the above and how to move forward? The other thing i can say is the other secretaries are very sociable and would go out with the bosses for drinks most nights. I have tried to fit in several times but feel like they talk about things between themselves and leaving me out. Usually in the end me and my friends felt better leaving for another venue. many thank Anita.