Dear Sue:

You are welcome. And I do happen to live less than an hour away, south of the border with BC Canada.

Regarding the fear from childhood, my fear: I am working on it currently. This very morning, before getting to your thread. It’s quite amazing. It really is the things that scared me as a child, the same things keep scaring me.

I suggested AA for the social support element, the feeling of safety that many get in that context. At the least, it is something for you to try and evaluate for yourself. There are meeting at different times of the day, different kinds of AA meetings. You may want to try one, if one doesn’t feel right, maybe try another.

Meditation is also something to try, if not sitting meditation then moving-meditation such as practiced in slow yoga, tai chi and otherwise, mindful walking (paying attention to your movement, the feel of the feet on the ground, the sounds, sights… that is walking attentively, not automatically with the mind lost in thought). Counseling with a competent, empathetic therapist/ counselor is excellent. You mentioned medication: I was on a few of those for about 17 years. At times it felt better but my life did not improve at all as a result, only got worse and getting off them was a nightmare. Three years almost of no longer taking them and I still suffer from the affect (higher anxiety!)

You asked: “Do you finally feel safe in your own skin Anita? How long does all this take? I just want to feel better.” Still in process but yes, I feel safer in my own skin. I am more trustful of myself, that is, I trust that I can endure and survive feelings. I no longer panic as often when a thought occurs to me- some thoughts still scare me. I now know that I can soothe myself when scared, that there is something I can do and not be a helpless victim of fear, hijacked by it.

My first competent therapy was in 2011, so it is taking me now over five years of hard, persistent work.

Fear is the most powerful emotion there is, so patience and gentleness with yourself is key. Enduring fear, living better with fear, this cannot be taught. It is a process where you do what you can today and tomorrow will be another day. Tomorrow something new will occur to you (or the day/ week/ month after). Today you take care of yourself best you can, this very moment. It will get better: you will feel better over time if you persist.

anita