Dear inspirationneeded:

Regarding what went wrong in the longer relationship you had, you wrote: “we stopped communicating and I found that we grew apart emotionally. I didn’t have many close friends near by and found myself alone a lot of the time”- this is key regarding what will be helpful for you now: to communicate, to experience emotional closeness with others. Not in a one-to-one relationship at the moment, a romantic relationship, that is, but with friends, new friends, a support group you can attend in person, even here, communicating with people who you evaluate to be reliable and safe (an evaluation needed online and in person, no less).

Your ex partner being mugged and your loss of employment were two stressed that triggered hurts and anxiety from childhood, most likely and you turned to chemicals to feel better (alcohol and anti depressants). That didn’t work for you long term, of course.

The anxiety needs to be worked on every day as it is not going anywhere. It can be reduced and managed. Did you learn skills in therapy to manage anxiety/ regulate emotions, such as following guided meditation, moving meditation, mindfulness, healthy/ neutral distractions such as safe aerobic exercise, taking a walk to calm down, such simple things that need to be practiced to be effective…?

anita