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August 31, 2016 at 8:27 am #113828
GavinParticipantHi all, I’ve been reading with interest around the forums. Some of it really rings a bell for me and I’m glad I found this website.
I’m currently in a bit of a mid life crisis I think and finding it really difficult letting go of things that have happened over the last couple of years and moving forward with my life. I’m 37, gay and have recently found myself single and living on my own after 2 failed relationships.
13 years ago, I thought I had met my match for life and we had a great relationship and moved in together after dating for 6 months or so, I was very happy for a long time until we kind of just got stuck in a bit of a rut, we stopped communicating and I found that we grew apart emotionally. I didn’t have many close friends near by and found myself alone a lot of the time. I can pin point when all this started happening, probably back in 2010 when my partner got mugged and seriously attacked, followed by 6 months of recovery. At the same time I was going through a redundancy situation at work and was really stressed out trying to find a new job. I had a delayed stress reaction to everything that happened at that time and turned to drinking more to help me cope.
From there my depression and anxiety got the better of me and I found myself drinking more and more, despite knowing it was in fact making things worse and I ended up in a vicious circle. I went to the doctors who prescribed several different anti depressants. My partner was initially supportive and did try and help his best but I found that I couldn’t stop binge drinking, despite having some legthy periods of abstinence. I attended some regular therapy which I didn’t find helped me that much. Anyway, cut a long story short I did some stupid things whilst on some crazy weekend binges and ended up splitting up with my partner.
At the time I was on pretty strong anti depressants and I think this actually made the situation worse as the reality of what I was doing was numbed out. We were very amicable to each other and started to arrange the house sale and I started looking at moving to a nearby city and looking for a new job. All I seem to remember is it all being surreal and not properly thinking through the situation I was putting myself into.
Not long after that but before I eventually moved out of my ex partners house, I met someone new who I started dating, ignoring the fact I still had a lot of issues to work through and it being far too soon to get into another relationship. At the time I just wanted to date, party etc and see how it went with this new guy. We soon fell in love and after 3 months he moved into my place.
Everything was great for a while, although I missed my old home and the security of my previous relationship. I wasn’t entirley honest with him about the issues I had and he noticed I was drinking more than usual sometimes. Eventually, one night I ended up drunk and confessed everything – depression, being on medication and drinking too much. Following that our relationship deteriorated and we ended up fighting a lot, he really played on my depression and made me feel even worse about myself. I cut out the drinking and started some therapy again, however, things didn’t improve between us and the trust was way beyond broken. Despite me being honest about my feelings towards him, he ended up going behind my back and meeting some other guy a few times, supposedly as “just friends” which totally broke my heart when I found out. Then started couple of months of him sleeping in my spare room, arguing, fighting, alcohol binges and me eventually asking him to move out of my apartment for my own sanity, because I felt he was just using me for somewhere to live.
He refused to move out at first and said I needed support but he would only support me as a friend. He also said that he had nowhere to go, at the time I couldn’t cope with that situation as I was still totally dependant on him and heart broken by what had happened, despite him being controlling and totally unsympathetic towards my depression. He left in June and I’ve not seen him since. I’ve tried to not contact him as much as possble but there have been texts between us. It’s honestly been the most stressful period in my life.
So now, I’m totally on my own, replaying the last couple of years in my head constantly. Actually greiving 2 relationships (If that’s possible?) finding it hard to adjust to being on my own and finding it difficult to make new friends. I have dated a couple of people but came to the conclusion that I’m still a bit broken inside and I need to work on my issues as much as possible before I meet someone else seriously. The problem is, I’m so used to ‘Being’ with someone, my life just feels empty at the moment and I just can’t picture a future for myself. I know I have to focus on loving myself and doing things for myself, which I am trying to do – I’m currently buying my own place for some home security, swimming a lot at the pool, catching up with the few friends I have here in my new city. However, it’s so hard to not feel the void, constantly feel regret and the romatacising of my last relationship. I still feel heartbroken and totally lost. My head is stuck in the past. I feel like I’ve lost everything and I’m starting out again.
I have cut down on the drinking and got it a bit more under control. I stopped the anti depressants months ago which was the best thing I did as I felt like a zombie on them. But the darkness of depression, lack of self esteem, lack of confidence and loneliness still hangs on.
I don’t know, I’m still a bit lost, any advice? Any alternative strategies? Sorry it’s probably a bit of a rambling post…
August 31, 2016 at 10:00 am #113835
AnonymousGuestDear inspirationneeded:
Regarding what went wrong in the longer relationship you had, you wrote: “we stopped communicating and I found that we grew apart emotionally. I didn’t have many close friends near by and found myself alone a lot of the time”- this is key regarding what will be helpful for you now: to communicate, to experience emotional closeness with others. Not in a one-to-one relationship at the moment, a romantic relationship, that is, but with friends, new friends, a support group you can attend in person, even here, communicating with people who you evaluate to be reliable and safe (an evaluation needed online and in person, no less).
Your ex partner being mugged and your loss of employment were two stressed that triggered hurts and anxiety from childhood, most likely and you turned to chemicals to feel better (alcohol and anti depressants). That didn’t work for you long term, of course.
The anxiety needs to be worked on every day as it is not going anywhere. It can be reduced and managed. Did you learn skills in therapy to manage anxiety/ regulate emotions, such as following guided meditation, moving meditation, mindfulness, healthy/ neutral distractions such as safe aerobic exercise, taking a walk to calm down, such simple things that need to be practiced to be effective…?
anita
August 31, 2016 at 11:57 am #113847GavinParticipantThanks Anita for your reply.
I agree with the communication point. I’ve always found it hard to open up to people, probably originating from my childhood and having to “hide” the real me and fearing criticism or judgement. This was apparent later in my long term relationship and I found it easier to not speak at all to my partner about my issues for fear of being judged and criticised, even though rationally, I knew he wouldn’t.
I did learn a few skills but haven’t been able to stick with therapy, it was too expensive and I didn’t find the right therapist, I used guided mindfulness meditation somewhat a couple of years ago, however, I fell out of the habit and lacked motivation to follow routines. I go swimming every day which does help to a certain extent and I do also walk a lot – to work or around the area when I can. I enjoy cooking and reading also. Above all, I want to make some new friends and socialize a bit more, I just don’t know where to start (Without being drunk and going to a bar) and find it really difficult striking up conversations with people I don’t know.
In terms of support groups, again, I’m not sure where to start?
August 31, 2016 at 8:23 pm #113864AnonymousGuestDear inspirationneeded:
As far as a support group, in the U.S it would be AA, Alcoholics Anonymous. I don’t suppose you live in the U.S?
I would like to re-read your post and any other post you may want to add, tomorrow morning and reply more then.
Am hoping to give you at least a bit of the inspiration you need.anita
August 31, 2016 at 8:32 pm #113865
VJParticipantHi inspirationneeded,
While you continue your conversation on this thread, you may want to give a try at Bach flower remedies for things you described below.
“I’ve always found it hard to open up to people, probably originating from my childhood and having to “hide” the real me and fearing criticism or judgement.”
“I want to make some new friends and socialize a bit more, I just don’t know where to start (Without being drunk and going to a bar) and find it really difficult striking up conversations with people I don’t know.”
“But the darkness of depression, lack of self esteem, lack of confidence and loneliness still hangs on.”
“Any alternative strategies?”From your post it looks like you are ‘Agrimony’ and ‘Larch’ type of personalities. Nothing wrong in you but they are just referred as personality types.
Agrimony
Helps you communicate your true feelings rather than hide them behind a cheerful faceLarch
Instills a greater sense of self-esteem when you feel inferior, fear failure or lack confidenceIf any of these ring any bells and relate to you then you may want to identify more from the below link as only you are the best judge of yourself.
Once you have identified your personality type write them down, and then I strongly recommend you to go to their detailed descriptions in the below links, especially Agrimony and Larch (or any additional ones that you may have identified)
Agrimony
http://www.bachflower.org/agrimony.htm
Larch
http://www.bachflower.org/larch.htm
Of course you are going to find out more but as a side note, if you are feeling shy and timid then you may also want to check the two detailed description links mentioned above for Mimulus as well (Brings courage and calm to face things that frighten or worry you, also aids the shy and timid, scared to speak in public)
Surely 100% of what is written on any particular personality type may not match with you but you can pick the closest possible.
Please take the time and patience to fully read the above links/pages. Don’t make any decision on them yet and if you are keen on those then please feel free to write back with your findings if you think they relate to you. In the mean time you can also find out more about ‘Bach flower remedies’ on the web to see if they suit your interests.
Regards,
VJSeptember 1, 2016 at 4:24 am #113887AnonymousInactiveHi Inspiration,
It sounds like you’re doing all the right things. You stopped with the antidepressants, you’re controlling your drinking and staying out of bars, you’re not diving head-first into a new relationship, you exercise and spend time with friends.
All of these are the right steps. And they won’t magically make your life great, because that’s some serious stuff you’re dealing with, man! Your most recent partner sounds like a right bunch of bad news. Good riddance to him.
Building your life up again is going to be a long road. Just keep the faith that you can. You are older and wiser now. And while making friends is the hardest thing, you’re not the only one who struggles with it, and there are many places where people go to try and practice just that.
Does you area have a community garden? A book club or library reading night? Cooking courses? Dance classes? Yoga? A walking club? Volunteering opportunities? Could you help out at a music festival? A street party? A local paper? Are there meditation centres where you are? Gay-friendly churches? (I dunno, I’m an atheist, but I hear people go there for community.) Befriend-an-old-person/young-person projects?
Really, my best advice is to just keep at it. You’re doing the right things. You are smart and wise and capable and strong, or you wouldn’t have made it this far. Just keep swimming, man.
September 1, 2016 at 11:11 am #113926AnonymousGuestDear insirationneeded:
You wrote: ” I’ve always found it hard to open up to people, probably originating from my childhood and having to “hide” the real me and fearing criticism or judgement.” I can relate to you very much. I am still afraid of others’ criticism and negative judgment, every single day, even though I’ve done consistent, every day healing work since my first experience with a competent therapist a bit more than five years ago.
In my experience, it is the critical parent’s voice in my head, criticizing me throughout the day, especially when around people. It is so because that critical voice, that critical parent internalized, projects itself to others. Sometimes that “inner bully” as I call it criticizes me directly. Often it does it through someone else.
I think a person is looking at me critically and thinking critical thoughts of me whether the person does or not. Often not (the other person is busy criticizing himself/ herself!)
That “inner bully” is not specific to gay people only, oh no. It is … universal.
Working to shrink, weaken this inner bully is crucial in achieving better mental health and relationships with others. When you are around another person, and you trust that person enough, you can check with that person: “Were you thinking (this..) just now?”
you will be surprised how often we inaccurately project that Inner Bully into others.
anita
September 1, 2016 at 11:28 am #113934GavinParticipantThanks for your replies monklet80 and Vj – I’ll certainly have a look at the links you sent on.
Monklet80 – In reply to your questions around the community. Indeed, there are a few things I have been looking into. I did a walk a couple of months ago with a local walking group, which I plan to do again as I did enjoy it (They only really come up every so often). I’ve also recently been looking into volunteering for some events at my local LGBT centre and just last night I looked at a beginners meditation course which looks at the various aspects of meditation (Mindfulness, movement etc)it starts on the 20th for 8 weeks, so I am seriously considering booking a place.
I don’t know, at the end of the day, it’s the times when I’m alone at home when I feel it the most. I’m still trapped in this love/hate situation with my most recent partner, it’s still so fresh in my head – all the hurtful things he did and said to me constantly going over. It’s taking me a lot longer than I hoped to move on. I know they are just thoughts and I can see them and let them go but that skill takes time and patience to perfect.
September 1, 2016 at 7:12 pm #113966
JoshuaParticipantKnow that the drinking and medication are a symptom of the problem, and not the problem itself. Everyone who does drugs, in any form, does them for a reason. Some for more serious issues than others. When you address the source of the problem, all those symptoms will simply fade away.
At the heart of your depression is this need to fill the void with a companion; when you are in a relationship you are completely focused on that one person, so much so, that you find yourself neglecting all your other friends, and they suffer, deteriorate and fade away because of it. You are depressed, unfulfilled and cling to that abusive relationship because of this reliance on a partner to keep you happy, entertained, and give your life meaning. When what you should do is find a balance between putting time in for yourself, and, once you have that solid foundation, searching for that relationship to complete the picture. That means spending time with friends, focusing on having fun, finding happiness outside companionship, doing activities you love with those friends you are close too. It means enjoying life. Find work you actually enjoy, work which gives your life purpose. Really consider the life you want to lead, the kind of people you want to surround yourself with. And when a relationship does come, don’t forget to set time aside for yourself and your friends. Don’t put that pressure on your partner to be the center of your world.
The best way to find new friends, those who you can connect with, is to do the things you love, spark up conversations at those places with those people. You will find it easier to talk, because you have something in common right away. If you still find yourself being antisocial, you can bring a friend who isn’t. Another opportunity is the workplace, that can be a good setting as well, you see those people every day. If you can’t seem to connect with those people, you might consider searching for a job which has people you have more in common with.
I hope this helps you get back on course. Much love!
September 2, 2016 at 3:22 am #113986AnonymousInactiveThat sounds good, man. Book the course, meditation can be really helpful.
As for those times at the end of the day that are the hardest – maybe an evening ritual would help you focus on the good things you’re doing and your best wishes for yourself, and make it a little less hard. Something like maybe a gratitude journal, or a short workout routine, or just a cup of tea and a good book?
Last time I lived alone I would light a candle as soon as I got home and sit quietly for a while and just enjoy the fact that I had my own space and it was exactly as messy or tidy as I left it because there was no one else in it. It helped me focus on the good things I had rather than what I’d lost and the hurt and uncertainty and all that.
Hope that’s helpful.
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