Hi, Butterfly.

She did, on occasion—very rarely—acknowledge a few aspects of her poor behavior, but I suspect that was only after a therapy session. During her push cycles, though, no, she admitted nothing, and blamed me for everything. Projection, blaming, and gaslighting were her go-to tools of misdirection and exculpation.

As I mentioned before, I suggest that he is still trying to get negative attention from you, which (if you reply) he hopes to use to his advantage to turn on the charm again and get you back in the push-pull cycle.

My ex claimed to love and care for me, too, and to a certain extent, I think she did. But more than anything, I think it was mirroring on her part, and going through the motions of something she may have wanted, but didn’t truly know how to achieve or sustain. Whatever her reality was on the matter, I don’t think she truly knew how to love or care on such an in-depth level. I don’t mean that disparagingly; I just don’t think she had ever been shown in-depth love or care by anyone, including her parents, to know what it was, or how to reciprocate it.

My ex never truly apologized either. I don’t think she ever fully allowed herself to believe that she did anything hurtful, either. If she ever acknowledged to herself that she had been hurtful, I think her defenses of projecting, blaming, and gaslighting kicked in before she allowed herself to deal with her own culpability. From the sound of it, I suspect that your ex is doing the same thing.

I also suggest that he is continuing to contact you, not because he cares, but because he is trying to play the game out as far as he can to either get you back into the push-pull cycle, or to string you along as a backup, or as a safety net while he finds someone else to fully take your place. Whenever he gets a replacement for you (I know that sounds harsh, but that is the way it is characterized in the discussions about PDs) I would guess that he will eventually stop contacting you.

If he refuses to admit any wrong-doing on his part, if he is not currently in, and is unwilling to attend therapy, I suggest that there is absolutely no hope for this relationship ever to be a positive and beneficial thing for you.

I know the pain and longing that comes with remembering the “good” times, but you have to be strong and see the whole picture and do what is best for yourself in the long run. Tell yourself that the longing is for the experience of love, closeness, caring, happiness, etc., with someone that is good for you, someone that treats you right, someone with whom you can be in a long-term, positive, beneficial relations ship, but NOT him.

I continue to encourage you to stay strong, and maintain no contact with him. It WILL eventually get easier.

CMI