hmm..I think its rebelling against the part that thinks I’ll be okay if I follow rules. That belief has pretty much determined all of my life decisions, big and small, to this point. Following rules for me equals approval. So theres a voice now that says “F.. it” I guess, I don’t need approval, I just need to survive what I’m feeling now without avoiding it by sleeping, eating etc. So whatever helps me get through the day and lets me interact with people and lets me function I’m choosing not to question- at least that’s the justification I’m using.
I think the part of me that wants to feel better has also slightly given up hope. Because the pain is there and constant and I don’t know how to handle it I guess.
Lov,
me