Dear Tracey:

Sadly, these neat, tidy little boxes you mentioned are not so neat and tidy on the long run.

Your anger at your mother on one hand and love on the other hand- this contradiction- is very understandable to me. I too felt very conflicted, no matter how I tried to place my mother in the Anger Box. I am no longer conflicted or confused at this point. I finally understand the following:

My love for my mother was never based on her being worthy of my love. It was based on the simple fact that she was my main caretaker: she fed me, clothed me, soothed me when I was had the flue, kept me warm in winter time. This is all my love for her is based on, just like any mammal, born to love the mother, born to follow her for food and protection. A fawn that follows her mother deer into the forest follows her because it is motivated by the emotion of attachment, what we call love.

Nature has made it so that for an animal to eat it has to be motivated by the emotion of hunger; for it to mate, it is motivated by the emotion of arousal and for the young to follow their parent, they are motivated by attachment, aka love.

Humans are no different.

I stopped yearning for my mother once I fully realized (and it took a whole lot of time and work) that my love for her did not mean that she is worthy of my love, that is that she is good for me and will love me if I only reach her- that the meaning in my love for her is that I was born to love her, no matter who she is, simply by her being there as I naturally developed the attachment every young mammal develops to the one there, in that role.

anita