Dear Charlotte:

In life, you have to be flexible enough to allow change within yourself. You wrote: “I thought my love for her had no ends. I thought I would forever care for her, be her loyal companion through life, and that I could not let this person slip away from my life. This has seemingly changed.”

Let’s look at what you wrote: you used to think and feel that you will ALWAYS love her/ be at ther side FOREVER MORE.

These thoughts and feelings were specific to the circumstances of the past: she didn’t have a boyfriend yet. When she started a relationship with the boyfriend, your thoughts and feelings changed.

By being flexible, I mean, evaluate new developments in relationships as they happen. Animals in nature adjust to new developments so that they can survive. For example, if a deer spots a predator, it runs away. If it spots something to eat, it will approach it to investigate. If it smells fire, it will run away etc. It is necessary for us as humans to do the same thing: change our behavior as new input about our environment enters our awareness.

We are not computer programs that you can program to always operate a certain way, no matter what and forever more. We can feel this way at times, but it is not a lifetime programming. Our feelings let us know what is happening around us. For example, when a deer spots a predator it feels fear. Fear motivates it to run. When it spots possible food, it feels a desire which motivates it to approach and investigate.

Feelings carry messages about what we need. When you felt forever- love for her it is because you need loving interactions in your life with a partner. When you felt the different distressing feelings once she had a boyfriend, it means that you (still need loving interactions in your life with a partner) but you also need that partner to be exclusive with you.

anita