Dear Charlotte:

It makes sense that unconditional love means loving regardless of conditions such as when a partner has a bad day at work, he/she shouldn’t take it out on the partner. Or when money is lost in the stock market, one partner shouldn’t .. punish the other. And so forth.

A side note, perhaps: You raised an excellent point: how do you know when your hurt is justified. There is always justification for what we feel: the feeling has a valid message. It messages us what we need for our well being and what we don’t need. Sometimes we inaccurately project things. For example, let’s say Y, the woman in your threads, had a male friend with whom she played tennis and that was all they did together. And let’s say you felt hurt, jealous. The message in your hurt is that you need an exclusive relationship with Y, that you don’t want to share her. If you react by insisting she stops playing tennis with him or end the relationship with her because of it- those are not justified by reality.

On the other hand, if Y is having a sexual intimate relationship with a boyfriend, then your hurt and jealously mean you need an exclusive relationship and this relationship is NOT exclusive. So if you react by ending the relationship with Y in this case, then your reaction/ behavior is justified.

anita