Hi Desolate,

I am going through something very similar. I am a 31 year old guy, never married, never had any kids, came out of a 2.5 years old long relationship ( start of this year) and repetitively been meeting similar people as you described from your online dating experience. Although, I don’t do online dating, it might be slightly more easier for me to identify such people.

In my opinion, you are sort of on a right track. Although, ‘strictly not dating again’ isn’t the best approach, similar to going out with every single girl you meet online or offline ( not that you are doing). Its like going extreme, too much or not at all.

Firstly, look inside yourself and ask what are you looking for? What do you value? What are the biggest red flags when you are dating? Reflect on what happened in the past and where things went wrong, not in terms of blame or guilt, but in terms of values and compatibility. And most importantly why you want to have another relationship? If you are very clear about this in your mind then you will have far better idea in identifying people at a very early stage and saving yourself from getting used.

Many people jump from one relationship to other because of many reasons like scared of loneliness, worry of getting old, worry about what worlds says about them, feeling of a loser or a failure, validation or getting the feeling of valued or worthiness etc. It is very difficult to find a right partner and develop a healthy relationship if above reasons exists.

Second, if you are very clear about what you want and why you want ( not above reasons)? Chances are either you will reduce significantly dating dishonest, manipulative people or identify them very early before getting heavily invested and will save yourself from huge let downs and disappointments. In fact, you might end up attracting people who have similar values to yours.

In conclusion, if you are meeting the same people again and again, there’s something you haven’t learn yet, there’s something you need to open your eyes to understand. Running away from it isn’t the solution, in fact life will presents you such people again, in a different way. So, get curious and learn, its not easy, its not comfortable but it will give you the wisdom that you need.

Good luck !!!!