If misery loves company, then I am here for you ladies as well. I’m a husband with a very similar story.
My wife and I have been married for 23+ years. We have two beautiful daughters who are now in high school and college. I feel so very blessed in so many ways.
While I had dated several women, I had never “gone all the way” with anyone. Close. I’m not a prude or overly religious at the time. Just somewhat shy and introverted – and it just never happened. In the looks department, I’m average. Not a head turner. Okay, maybe a little. But a good guy inside and out who, at 52, still runs and stays in shape. My wife, she’s gorgeous. She’s been told that she should have been a model. She looks like a petite Julia Roberts. And, she’s incredibly smart. I tell her that she should have gone to law school the way she can absorb books and information. Also at 52, she eats very well (vegetarian) and looks like she’s in her late 30’s or 40’s. Our two daughters have inherited their mother’s great looks.
When I met my wife, we were both in our mid-20’s and met at an outdoor jazz concert. I’m a very old-fashioned, romantic guy – and I loaned her my jacket. And I was smitten. Bad. A few weeks later, I mustered enough courage to ask her to a movie. After the movie, I played it safe and asked if she was seriously dating anyone and she said “Actually, I am.” I was stunned. I thought, “Then what are you doing here with me?!” And “What would he think of your being here with me?!”
Game over. I took off – completely weirded out. Next.
A year later, a mutual friend got married. I must have turned her head as she pursued me over the course of the reception. Nothing happened. A day or so later, she called and asked me out. I found out much later that she was still seeing the same guy from before – but it was ending. Again, what would he have thought of her doing this?! We went out several times and, during this second phase, she invited me to stay over – and I lost my virginity. She did tell me prior to sleeping together that she’d had an abortion, has herpes and was still seeing a therapist for an eating disorder. When I asked, “How many guys have you been with?” she would respond with “Does it really matter?!”
Hmmmm.
We never ended up being “exclusive” (I was still cautious of her) and we stopped seeing each other. I dated other women (no sex). I know she went back to her former fiancé from college days for a time.
Fast forward, we got back together the following year, dated for a little under a year and were married about a half year later. I thought she was fun, smart, beautiful and – even though she had told me about 5-6 previous boyfriends that she had had sex with – she was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. But she would never reveal her number and would get very defensive whenever asked.
You can guess where this is going.
Like any married couple, we had two beautiful children, the sex waned, but we were happy. And yet, while she knew she was my only partner, she would never tell me her number. I learned to rarely ask. But it bothered me not knowing.
While we’re both quiet people and never really argue (really!), we had a somewhat heated conversation about nine months ago. Of course, the root of it was the unanswered “her number” question festering for more than two decades. Over the years, she had admitted to dating “a lot” of guys (small wonder; she’s gorgeous) and let an additional guy or two slip out whom she had had sex with. By the time of this discussion, I was guessing her number was around 11. A lot more than I was comfortable with. Again, I asked her number and again she responded with “What does it matter – why do you keep asking?!” To which I asked, “Well, it’s less than, say, 20, yes?” And she paused and said, “No, it’s not.”
I had never been so shocked in my life.
Eventually, shock turned to anger. Anger to disappointment. Disappointment to frustration.
Pushing her for answers (not always the best tactic), she claims to have been with “no more than 30 men” – not sure as “I may have counted some guys twice.” Some were long-term relationships. Others were one-nighters. Some were in club parking lots. She went clubbing a lot in her twenties. She then, curled up in a shell like an armadillo and stopped sharing. Still, the porn movie starring her with other guys continually ran over and over in my head.
Our only saving grace has been our faith – and keeping our family intact. Our daughters have no idea this is going on. None. We’re both Christian (I’m not banging the pulpit here in any way) and both have been baptized. She claims to have never strayed on me – or anyone.
Side note: we both were friends of her ex-fiancé on Facebook. When she refused to tell me anymore info, I asked him. Yes, stupidly. But I wanted answers. He claims her number was “around 45” at the end of college. Even before her wild clubbing days. And that she strayed on him. And loved to have sex outdoors. Okay, enough. She found out he and I were talking and he’s since been unfriended by us both.
Still I feel that her withholding her number from me was pure deception. It kept me from making a fully informed decision when I chose to propose. After nine tortuous months, I have chosen to love her – unconditionally. And she’s been picking up on it and has come out of her shell a little bit every day.
So, how do you see her behavior? Was she being deceptive? My biggest battle now is trying to not see her in a whole new (sluttier) light. And, what do you make of her ex-fiancé’s claims? He really has nothing to gain nor lose by painting her as a slut. And please, no “the past is the past” lines. When this type of news gets dumped in your lap like a bucket of toxic waste, it’s right here and now.
Thanks.