Dear jlo5:

I re-read your posts on this thread. I will be typing my feedback as-I-think-it:

Improving the marriage- hopeless. The chance of improvement is negligible, is my evaluation. It could get worse, continuing the ongoing downward deterioration- with good stretched of time as it deteriorates.

His mental health: same or worse over time while being married with you and living with you. Quite hopeless as well, as I see it.

Your mental health: staying married with him- deteriorating. If you separate and divorce- distress while separating, great improvement long term. Same for the kids.

You repeated again and again that you are a caring woman, that you love him and care for his well being deeply. Fact is he is unhappy and has been unhappy his whole life, and deteriorating. So … he cries when considering separation but he is unhappy when not separated. Any sacrifice you make for his well being is not effective.

He told you that being emotional is weakness. His behavior with you is now about strength as he perceives strength: controlling you. He disregards your emotions and your well being as well as the children’s. His way to take care of himself is to regularly empty his distress (which keeps collecting in him) unto you. He keeps removing his distress by dumping it on you. And on the kids.

You questioned his claims of love. I don’t: your well being and your children’s well being is not a high priority for him. His well being is his priority. Sure he is failing at achieving well being for himself. He is failing because he doesn’t want to experience the additional distress involved in looking inside himself, considering his own motivations, thoughts, feelings and behaviors. But he is aiming at his well being- at the expense of yours and the kids- the only way he knows: dumping his distress and forgetting-about it.

If you keep the marriage going, you are choosing to be dumped on again and again forever more. You are choosing getting hurt more; you are choosing your children getting hurt more, and you are choosing all this hurt is for nothing because his misery will continue, if not get worse.

anita