I wanted to be friends, text often seeing how we are doing and knowing what’s happening in her life and be there for her, aswell as talk on the phone and hang out but it seems like she was only here to help me go to the doctors and that’s all. Not just disappear, like I feel as if now that I got my anti depressants she’s done her job and will be gone now, just something to make her feel good about herself and move onto something else. About my sister? she gave me a BS story and has been lieing to me about being unable to pay for her bills so I helped her out a little and now that her payment is due for her phone and she has no “money” she texts me she misses not texting me and wants to keep doing it, then all of a sudden says she needs more money to pay for her phone so she can text me. Da fuck? and I can’t take living with my dad anymore…he drains me, makes me feel like I can’t do anything, constantly yells at me, if I wanna move out lets me know i’m going to fail and come right back, etc etc etc. Grandpa commited suicide, Grandma died before I was born, mother was a junkie and dropped me down the stairs as a baby and decided that I was not worth having in her life so she split until I became much older. I probably deserved it though…

I had time to reflect and what I’ve come to understand is friendships don’t exist, neither does family. It’s just you…and you are thrown into a world that wants you to feel like you’re a worthless piece of shit and you either sink or swim depending on how strong or weak you are mentally and I am pretty damn weak. All I want is for people to be happy and help them out, is that too much to ask for? I might not feel anything when I try and make people happy but I feel as if it’s something i’m supposed to do in this life and I’ve always done it because of that, but I can’t take the being used part anymore. The longer I go on the more I feel as if there is no good in the world, only people with their own agenda not giving a crap about anything else.

Anyway this will be my last post, i’m just going to disappear…maybe now you understand why I said I feel like I deserve to suffer like I posted back on page 1 and why I feel so toxic in my head and I can’t escape it…it’s a part of me and I must accept it and live it until my dieing breath, which is hopefully soon. I’m not going back to the doctors or taking the anti depressants anymore, whatever happens from here on out happens.