Hi Serenity

As you’ve already identified, the issue that you have is the negative feeling towards your situation. Looking at your situation purely objectively, there isn’t much about it that is “wrong”. It’s just that it isn’t what you want for yourself right now. You also indicate that nothing you have done so far seems to have had any effect on your situation, which leaves you thinking you will be feeling like this for the foreseeable future. So a combination of feeling better about your current situation and an effective plan for the future would go a long way to improving things.

Let’s look at your current situation first. You say you are in your early 30s, which is often a time when people start to re-evaluate their lives anyway, whatever they are doing. Single people often start to think about marrying, whilst those who married younger often start to wonder how their lives would have been different if they had stayed single. As friends marry off, you start to feel like the last soldier left standing. However…

You don’t have a place of your own, not many friends and connections, and say you are in a dead-end job. You see that as being some kind of failure. I read that and think, “What a fantastic opportunity!”. You have no personal commitments, no mortgage, no great career to put at risk – you can decide to do anything, anywhere – what have you got to lose? Whether it’s travelling, going to college, or just moving to another town for a change of scenery, you have opportunities that I can guarantee a lot of your “settled” friends would be massively envious of.

The point is, a whole lot of people at your age feel the same way as you but have families and mortgages – they aren’t just stuck in a rut, they are glued to it. You don’t have that problem, so you are in a truly privileged position.
Now, when it comes to feeling positive about the future, it’s important to ensure that you are the master of your own destiny as far as possible. You talk about being lonely and trying to meet someone, which is fine, but if you are expecting that other person to magically make you happy from the start, it’s asking an awful lot of them. How would you feel about taking on someone who expected you to fulfil their every need right now?

Instead of looking for someone else and hoping that they will make you happy, focus on doing what makes you happy. Because, guess what? Happy is much more attractive than misery. If you join a gym because you really enjoy working out and keeping fit, you will look great and be happy. That will make you more attractive – not necessarily in the confines of the gym, but everywhere else too. But if you join a gym to try to catch someone’s eye whilst on a treadmill… well, maybe in movies but it’s a long shot.

By focusing on your own needs and your own happiness, and doing things that you enjoy, whether that’s bungee-jumping or basket-weaving, motorcycle racing or model-making, you will lift your mood and spirits. You will have a feeling of accomplishment. You will have things to talk about, things that make you interesting. And that is attractive.

Online dating is fine, but it can only ever replace the “meeting” part of the dating process. If there’s nothing going on behind the eyes when you meet, it won’t go any further. I’ve also never really been convinced by the idea that your interests have to match – they only have to be tolerated by the other. I know a couple where he rebuilds and races vintage cars and motorcycles, whilst she is an expert on orchids. They’ve been together for ages.

So, you have no commitments, nothing to lose, and total freedom to start doing whatever makes you happy. Focus on that, and you will find that loneliness ceases to be a problem very, very quickly.

Good luck!