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Feeling so negative

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  • #117191
    kaleidoscope
    Participant

    Hi Everyone,

    Got really good advice here before so here I am again.
    Recently I’ve been feeling really negative about my life. I feel like nothing is working out for me and even though I keep trying I cant seem to catch a break. Im in my early 30s and I’m still house sharing, single, lonely, working in a dead end job. I’ve tried to change careers and finished a course earlier this year but cant seem to get a new job in that either. I feel like im just stuck in a rut and no matter how much I try, nothing seems to be happening. A lot of my friends have started to settle down and started families and dont seem to have much free time anymore which I understand. I just feel very lonely and have joined different social groups etc. but dont really make much real connections with people. I’ve tried online dating, joined a gym etc. in the hopes of meeting someone but again no real connections. I feel like giving up on trying all of these things because nothing seems to transpire from it. I cant seem to feel positive about the future anymore as I feel that everything i try just doesnt work out for some reason.

    #117236
    Axuda
    Participant

    Hi Serenity

    As you’ve already identified, the issue that you have is the negative feeling towards your situation. Looking at your situation purely objectively, there isn’t much about it that is “wrong”. It’s just that it isn’t what you want for yourself right now. You also indicate that nothing you have done so far seems to have had any effect on your situation, which leaves you thinking you will be feeling like this for the foreseeable future. So a combination of feeling better about your current situation and an effective plan for the future would go a long way to improving things.

    Let’s look at your current situation first. You say you are in your early 30s, which is often a time when people start to re-evaluate their lives anyway, whatever they are doing. Single people often start to think about marrying, whilst those who married younger often start to wonder how their lives would have been different if they had stayed single. As friends marry off, you start to feel like the last soldier left standing. However…

    You don’t have a place of your own, not many friends and connections, and say you are in a dead-end job. You see that as being some kind of failure. I read that and think, “What a fantastic opportunity!”. You have no personal commitments, no mortgage, no great career to put at risk – you can decide to do anything, anywhere – what have you got to lose? Whether it’s travelling, going to college, or just moving to another town for a change of scenery, you have opportunities that I can guarantee a lot of your “settled” friends would be massively envious of.

    The point is, a whole lot of people at your age feel the same way as you but have families and mortgages – they aren’t just stuck in a rut, they are glued to it. You don’t have that problem, so you are in a truly privileged position.
    Now, when it comes to feeling positive about the future, it’s important to ensure that you are the master of your own destiny as far as possible. You talk about being lonely and trying to meet someone, which is fine, but if you are expecting that other person to magically make you happy from the start, it’s asking an awful lot of them. How would you feel about taking on someone who expected you to fulfil their every need right now?

    Instead of looking for someone else and hoping that they will make you happy, focus on doing what makes you happy. Because, guess what? Happy is much more attractive than misery. If you join a gym because you really enjoy working out and keeping fit, you will look great and be happy. That will make you more attractive – not necessarily in the confines of the gym, but everywhere else too. But if you join a gym to try to catch someone’s eye whilst on a treadmill… well, maybe in movies but it’s a long shot.

    By focusing on your own needs and your own happiness, and doing things that you enjoy, whether that’s bungee-jumping or basket-weaving, motorcycle racing or model-making, you will lift your mood and spirits. You will have a feeling of accomplishment. You will have things to talk about, things that make you interesting. And that is attractive.

    Online dating is fine, but it can only ever replace the “meeting” part of the dating process. If there’s nothing going on behind the eyes when you meet, it won’t go any further. I’ve also never really been convinced by the idea that your interests have to match – they only have to be tolerated by the other. I know a couple where he rebuilds and races vintage cars and motorcycles, whilst she is an expert on orchids. They’ve been together for ages.

    So, you have no commitments, nothing to lose, and total freedom to start doing whatever makes you happy. Focus on that, and you will find that loneliness ceases to be a problem very, very quickly.

    Good luck!

    #117380
    Lacy
    Participant

    Hey serenity.

    I think, from what I read you are doing kinda great. You live in a shared house, that’s awesome. You are out there, looking for a job do to! You are single and open for adventures as well as settling down 😉 You have joined a gym!

    Anything can happen – as long as you keep yourself open for ALL options – becoming fixated on having a partner and a house and a specific job might block you away from something that you would rather actually be doing for the rest of your life.

    I can understand how seeing “everyone else” settle down and do their idyllic classical family-thing might give you the idea that you’re having a bad performance or something – but that is not true!

    Do you realize that A WHOLE LOT OF PEOPLE settle down for the exact same sensation of fear and feeling you are experiencing right now?

    Read that line again and let that sink in.

    People settle down because they are afraid of missing the train, not because they have found “true love” or the “perfect partner.”

    Wouldn’t it bother you to find a partner and settle down with them only for the sake of making that insecurity go away?

    So, that feeling of insecurity goes away, but the partner sets you a whole other lot of ultimatums. You are no longer free to do whatever you please, whatever it is you would enjoy. You’d be walking the shoes of a family-person – playing by the same rules everyone else, with the same responsibilties that everyone else…

    And oh yes, the people who are living that life will constantly remind you and try to make you believe that you are a lesser being without those shoes and responsibilities – they are doing their best to convince you that they have achieved the greatest goals in life and anything you choose to do different from them, they will remember to signal you how they see it as inferior.

    I do not mean to sound mad! Forgive them, they are just trying to make sense of their own choices in life – just don’t let them get to you x.x

    Wouldn’t you rather try to truly connect with people or your chosen acitivies instead – do what you truly enjoy doing, hang out with people to whom you don’t constantly have to keep proving yourself to, hang around people who don’t need to prove anything to you etc?

    Maybe the “not trying” part isn’t all wrong after all – you can keep doing all the things that you have been enjoying – but do them for the right reasons. Go to the gym because you need to take care of your body, not because you want to build a family. Go to social groups because you want to see people, learn things, maybe teach them something from your own – not because you want to build a family… You can do ANYTHING you enjoy for the sake of enjoying it, not for the agenda of finding a parnter and settling down.

    Remain curious of all people and all things! The universe is fascinating x.x

    Who knows, might work out well :3

    Take care o/

    #117381
    Lacy
    Participant

    Just to add – I have no idea what the things that we are supposed to enjoy, would be – I’m just lurking around forums, chatting, eating ice cream on my spare time :c

    Welp, I waste time – don’t look up to me.

    Uhoh, and dating websites are fun too – but if I’d use them – I’d use them to MEET PEOPLE, learn what kinds of stuff they do, who they are, what they like – doesn’t matter if we will never meet again or not – I think meeting with people 1 on 1 would be a really fun way to pass time – so you do it just because it is nice to meet new people and let them talk about themselves, not to specifically find a partner :3 But you might hit a good one after you have met enough of them (just don’t choose one randomly to make the insecurity to go away! that’s slow hell, I swear!)

    #119589
    Marc
    Participant

    So am I right now. I’m normally better than this at cheering myself up, but for some reason I can’t do that now.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Marc.
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