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Lacy

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  • #118288
    Lacy
    Participant

    I have a feeling no one really does ALL those things and find the time to feel happy about it. The trick is – as long as you keep yourself busy – you have no time to think about how sad or happy you are, either.

    If you don’t let relations take too much out of your time and you are not struggling with ANY kinds of addiction (phone, computer, sugar, coffee, love, home), setting a schedule for work, education, staying fit and sleeping well (and some time off for self or socializing) is a question of time management.

    A lot of people who try to work full-time and also attend university will quit one or another at some point because it is impossible to put maximum effort to both. Most people who did this quit school because without work they really would be incapable of paying rent.

    Also, people in that time of life tend to rent one apartment with several other people who also go to school and work – it’s a bit cheaper and might also fend off the feeling of loneliness in a way.

    If your family and friends do not understand how busy and tired you are – well, it’s on the family and friends then – you can’t let anyone keep you away from your goals.

    #118285
    Lacy
    Participant

    It’s always been mad πŸ™

    Good read about hate. Just finished reading it myself.

    #118021
    Lacy
    Participant

    I’d think you’d want to give yourself exposure to these distractors, little by little, like building resistance to it.

    This one was good and thorough, though:
    http://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/phobias-and-fears.htm

    #117961
    Lacy
    Participant

    Yes. It is doable.

    You can remain friends with a person if you don’t secretly expect and hunt for the old relationship.

    You’re going to have to admit that the past is in the past and the future will have something new for you. Let go of the past, remember it with a good word and be open for anything for the good future.

    One other thing when it comes to having been in love – it might help if you try to understand how this relationship with that person was validating your own ego. Often we “want someone who wants to be” with us only in order to get some validation on our own worth – are we pretty, are we smart, are we important, are we valuable – we all want to feel this way – and even though a person with a healthy self-esteem will feel pretty, smart, important and valuable no matter if they are in a relationship or not – we as fragile human being tend to be a bit comfy and seek confirmation from other people in order to feel right. It’s a good science, worth looking into if you feel like you can’t get over it.

    Take care o/

    #117958
    Lacy
    Participant

    My healing started with learning the theory of mind and other thinking tricks.
    http://www.cognitivetherapyguide.org/negative-thinking-patterns.htm

    I learned how thoughts, words, sentences – how these all affect our emotions and how our emotions make our mood.

    I started reading up on neurology to figure out how emotions like fear and love happen.

    I picked up mindfulness and studied a bit of meditation.

    And I have learned a great deal and most of the time I feel I am in control.

    We will forever be constantly challenged by fear – but once you master this knowledge – you will be more powerful than you have ever been. You will SEE people for the first time, you will know how to actually love another person for the first time, you will know how to enjoy every moment of your life for the first time…

    The important bit – don’t give up, there is a way. No matter how deep in you are now – there is a way out, just don’t stop trying. I don’t think I can tell you the exact path to take as I believe each has their own – we come from different places, we need different sources.

    Be brave o/

    #117954
    Lacy
    Participant

    Nono, the trick is to not expect anything.

    Letting the universe handle it means that you accept anything that comes.

    Think realistically – aka instead of wondering about how wonderful it would be if he wanted to get back together or how awful it would be if he ended it for good – if these two options really bug you – what will realistically happen to you anyway if it’s done. What will happen if it’s not.

    Either way – you will be alright and you will keep being the wonderful person that you are – and that is all that you should try to think that matters for you, for now.

    Of course – we tend to believe that in order to move on we need to feel that the previous relation has ended – so you’d think you need closure. If you really do keep seeking that – ask him directly – don’t be a detective – your brain will just make up all sorts of horror stories and you will not know for real.

    If you can come to think like, alright, we had a good run, we still care for each other as human beings – but time to think about ME for now and do what’s best. If you think you want to go meet other guys – go ahead. But do it for the sake of meeting new people, getting your life some new flavor. You don’t really need to replace the old guy.

    Something you gotta learn to accept when dealing with the universe – there will never be something like you already had with him – things can never be the same with him – but there’s always the possibility that you will have something better – and you are readu to get there as soon as you are willing to let go of the past!

    And who knows, maybe, somewhere in the distant future that something “better” could even be with the same guy.

    Allow yourself to be free, be open for all opportunities that the world has to offer – don’t fixate on anything – not the old guy, not any new guy.
    It might be something great, it might be something boring – whatever it is, universe, bringit.

    Be brave o/

    #117628
    Lacy
    Participant

    Hello

    I feel sorry for you. There is not much I can say that you will consider help, in your position, but I will say it in hopes that something maybe will strike you.

    Astrology and personality tests will not help you. They will only add another diagnosis to your disorders lists – namely that would be Schizotypal personality disorder. Drop this, if you are willing to. These things are a scam (no need to start an argument, go google counter arguments).

    What you need to read, if you wish to, is something that is completely down to earth.

    Talking therapy is fine but if this has been going on too long and you don’t get any tasks from your therapists then you might as well stop going to that therapist because – proven – talking about your problems again and again will only convince yourself in your helplessness even more.

    Did your therapist ever give you any tasks?
    Learn how you think, feel – and how this all affects your moods. How this all affects your whole life.
    http://www.cognitivetherapyguide.org/negative-thinking-patterns.htm

    From there on you might want to read a few articles about mindfulness meditation. Or watch videos. Pema ChΓΆdrΓΆn, Mingyur Rinpoche, Thich Nhat Hanh – good lectures and good books.

    Be brave o/

    #117626
    Lacy
    Participant

    An insecure man will question any woman, no matter their looks or number of previous partners – and they will see a problem in any number.

    The question isn’t about how pretty the woman is or how many partners she has had – I’d question the guys internal self-esteem insitead.

    If the woman has no kids from those encounters, nor diseases, why does it matter. Personally – any guy who even thinks he needs, insists to know the number of my partners, I conclude they have a deep internal problem with themselves, and that is something I do not any longer wish to combat with.

    These kinds of men aren’t looking for partners – they are looking for trophies. So, these women become wells to water these guys’ narcissism.

    #117625
    Lacy
    Participant

    By “living the same life” I mean that the norms and rules of the society will still apply to us. Of course, operating without fear and worry will enable us to make different decisions from those who operate with them.

    #117559
    Lacy
    Participant

    I think when you are aware enough to let go of the fear itself, there will be nothing stopping you from remaining with the herd and operating in it. You will be living the same life, most probably, but you will feel more in control and less anxious.

    #117536
    Lacy
    Participant

    Hello nathalieace

    Maybe this will inspire you somehow. Maybe not.
    Essentially – what I think is going on with friendships, relations – people seek for partners because they feel the very same thing you have just described here – and their friendships and such are an attempt of making that feeling go away. Let hop a step ahead and reveal the big secret – that feeling doesn’t go away when you have friends.

    People who are constantly surrounded by other people, friends, partners – they still feel that too – even though they might not be thinking about it as often as they keep their feelings and thoughts busy. So, sure, it leaves us the impression that they have friends that make them happy. You can imagine this idyllic night out with jokes, laughing, games and all that – but these are just some fun moments, not happiness itself. The night is over, they fall asleep and where they have no power to distract themselves from this inner feeling, they feel it – they are alone, again.

    Some of them can’t even really enjoy the night out as they keep themselves distracted with negative thinking, here’s a few examples: “what if this is the last time I see this person,” “these people probably don’t really like me,” “what did this person mean when he made that joke about me,” “I am still worried about that fight last weekend…” “did i choose the right clothes to wear,” “i’m gonna gossip xyz in order to try to connect with these people – that story is too good,” “if i got drunk like a blind bat, no one would help me home,” “fck it i get drunk anyway, i’ll put that friend to a test.”

    I think, we sometimes wish we had friends we don’t have and then we put some very unrealistic expectations on them… Problem is we are not failing with having friends – but we are failing with getting in touch with ourselves.

    * * *

    Now, why you dislike feeling ALONE, what I think is happening here, is due to you thinking that this feeling is like pain – and what does pain essentially do? Pain is a signal of something being wrong. A stinging feeling from your toe – you hit it or step on something sharp – your head aches – you are dehydrated or are suffering with other chemical imbalances etc. Your hearing is going worse – earphones too loud maybe (to be honest, there could be other reasons. Stop wondering and go see a doctor about that one :3)

    Now, being alone is not pain. Yet there is this other feeling – loneliness. And what you described sounds a lot like it.
    And why do we perceive loneliness as pain? Because we think it is a signal – a pain that signals that we are doing something wrong. A pain that signals that we are insufficient.

    While each and one of us can learn a ton of lessons to become great social creatures (there’s books, start with Dale Carnegie – he has written some amazing stuff – and since the books are from like 30s, they are cheap too (you could also go to library I guess)) – that FEELING of being insufficient is something we make up in our heads because we sort of have learned to be this way.
    This feeling can’t be taken care of by seeking validation in finding friends and partners. This feeling is an insecurity and the only way to get rid of it is to LEARN what it is and where it comes from. It takes a lot of effort to go down that road, face yourself and such. But once you have figured it out, you’ll get peace from it.

    So – the first idea you might want to savor a bit – you being alone is NOT a signal. It is not a measure of your worth. It’s just the way the universe has it for you, for now – out of all the odds, you are on your own. And you are owning it πŸ˜‰

    The feeling, though. You can get better! You can try to “learn” yourself out from feeling this way – and that is something each of us has to come to do on our own – having friends and partners will not help in many ways. But if the resources from the internet aren’t enough, you could try seeking out a therapist.

    Here is something what you would learn with a therapist:
    http://www.cognitivetherapyguide.org/negative-thinking-patterns.htm

    Another thing that helped me a lot was learning about Buddhist philosophies and mindful meditation. Mindfulness helps you fight with stress and other unpleasant feelings. It is one of the greatest tools I have come by. And the guy in the video is the most adorable human being I have layed my eyes on.

    #117533
    Lacy
    Participant

    Hmm mhm, I think…

    It is possible to become mentally off the grid yet still live in it.

    I think what attaches us into it 100% is fear. A fear of rejection and denial. Also, desire and dreams. Everything that we have learned to know as “motivation”. As we are those modern humans who are programmed by society to strive for our desires and avoid anything that seems unattractive – we join this flow of desperation the grid itself is.

    So, what I’m thinking – once you manage to detach yourself from worrying about fitting in, once you stop struggling running after desires and start accepting all the good and bad coming at you equally – you are off the grid.

    And once you can observe society, the people in it, say, from under it – you’ll realize what the grid actually is. The web, the whole consistency of it is the very same fear people feel – about fitting in, about being good and deserving enough, about getting all the good stuff and avoiding all the bad stuff.

    I think the grid isn’t neither good or bad – but once you go take a look at it from the outside – you understand it so well that you can either decide to not take a part of it (and be a an isolated person) – or you can go back right into it and operate in it with the new knowledge you have attained – you sort of have gained a metaphorical upper hand, as you know that most people whom you deal with on a daily basis – the same ones that you feared that are judging you – they are completely clueless and base their judgement on their own insecurities. Be aware that some of them even claim to love you, yet they do it out of their own insecurities.

    You can be yourself, not motivated by fear, and you will be good enough – and you have nothing to worry about.
    And us not worrying about not being good enough will NOT kill our motivation to be good at anything – it will help us become truly accepting of what we do, and being open about what we do, not insecure – will help us become as good as it gets.
    Fear is the worse motivator, yet it seems to fuel the whole world πŸ™‚

    You’ll make the world a better a place by not feeding on that fuel. And you’ll be happier.

    My body is my cottage. When I sit on my own and ain’t travelling around in the past or in the future – I am home, I am alone, and I love it πŸ™‚

    Not sure if any of it makes sense anymore. I get excited and confused at the same time.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Lacy.
    • This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Lacy.
    #117381
    Lacy
    Participant

    Just to add – I have no idea what the things that we are supposed to enjoy, would be – I’m just lurking around forums, chatting, eating ice cream on my spare time :c

    Welp, I waste time – don’t look up to me.

    Uhoh, and dating websites are fun too – but if I’d use them – I’d use them to MEET PEOPLE, learn what kinds of stuff they do, who they are, what they like – doesn’t matter if we will never meet again or not – I think meeting with people 1 on 1 would be a really fun way to pass time – so you do it just because it is nice to meet new people and let them talk about themselves, not to specifically find a partner :3 But you might hit a good one after you have met enough of them (just don’t choose one randomly to make the insecurity to go away! that’s slow hell, I swear!)

    #117380
    Lacy
    Participant

    Hey serenity.

    I think, from what I read you are doing kinda great. You live in a shared house, that’s awesome. You are out there, looking for a job do to! You are single and open for adventures as well as settling down πŸ˜‰ You have joined a gym!

    Anything can happen – as long as you keep yourself open for ALL options – becoming fixated on having a partner and a house and a specific job might block you away from something that you would rather actually be doing for the rest of your life.

    I can understand how seeing “everyone else” settle down and do their idyllic classical family-thing might give you the idea that you’re having a bad performance or something – but that is not true!

    Do you realize that A WHOLE LOT OF PEOPLE settle down for the exact same sensation of fear and feeling you are experiencing right now?

    Read that line again and let that sink in.

    People settle down because they are afraid of missing the train, not because they have found “true love” or the “perfect partner.”

    Wouldn’t it bother you to find a partner and settle down with them only for the sake of making that insecurity go away?

    So, that feeling of insecurity goes away, but the partner sets you a whole other lot of ultimatums. You are no longer free to do whatever you please, whatever it is you would enjoy. You’d be walking the shoes of a family-person – playing by the same rules everyone else, with the same responsibilties that everyone else…

    And oh yes, the people who are living that life will constantly remind you and try to make you believe that you are a lesser being without those shoes and responsibilities – they are doing their best to convince you that they have achieved the greatest goals in life and anything you choose to do different from them, they will remember to signal you how they see it as inferior.

    I do not mean to sound mad! Forgive them, they are just trying to make sense of their own choices in life – just don’t let them get to you x.x

    Wouldn’t you rather try to truly connect with people or your chosen acitivies instead – do what you truly enjoy doing, hang out with people to whom you don’t constantly have to keep proving yourself to, hang around people who don’t need to prove anything to you etc?

    Maybe the “not trying” part isn’t all wrong after all – you can keep doing all the things that you have been enjoying – but do them for the right reasons. Go to the gym because you need to take care of your body, not because you want to build a family. Go to social groups because you want to see people, learn things, maybe teach them something from your own – not because you want to build a family… You can do ANYTHING you enjoy for the sake of enjoying it, not for the agenda of finding a parnter and settling down.

    Remain curious of all people and all things! The universe is fascinating x.x

    Who knows, might work out well :3

    Take care o/

    #117379
    Lacy
    Participant

    I am alone for a whole lot of time and I learned to cope with the feeling of loneliness as soon as I realized that being alone is not a sign of something being wrong.

    It is not a good neither a bad thing to be alone – it doesn’t mean anything – it’s just a way of being.

    When I was trying to reason (very negatively) – I am alone because I am worthless, I am alone because nobody loves me etc – that’s when I felt lonely. When I changed my point of view, “decided” that I am alone because that’s how the universe has it, for now – I made my peace with it.

    I wouldn’t mind having friends or partners to live together with, but I don’t mind not having them either.

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