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Possible to be friends?

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  • October 12, 2016 at 1:57 pm #117956
    Christine
    Participant

    My girlfriend of 6 months broke up with me suddenly about 6 weeks ago. I was really shocked. The day before I was telling my sister I wanted to make our relationship a serious one. That I thought we had what it takes to grow and be positive influences in each others life. I have been in my fair share of relationships that ended, I have always communicated well with my partners, when we broke up no one was surprised and both parties knew we had tried and almost all were mutual. I am on friendly terms with most my exes. But in this case, I was left dumbfounded, hurt and confused. Not once had she mentioned that she was unhappy/ or any indication that something was wrong and body language was incredibly positive. We had not really had any disagreements and she even said I was everything she had looked for. She was what I was looking for in turn. After the break up I took about 3 weeks of no contact to collect myself. And we had a dinner that was pleasant and we fell back into easy and fun conversation. My natural instinct is to fight fiercely for this relationship. I waited along time for something like this and I want it still. I am denying that, and going with the flow. Everyday I tell myself I want someone who wants to be with me. I do however love this girl deeply and she has some struggles ahead with coming out and being vulnerable in general. I think she needs a friend ( her friends that know shes gay all live far away) and I want her light in my life. I am working on balancing my desire for her and being a genuine friend. I recognize that this has the potential to not go well. And I want to make sure this is healthy for myself and her. Anybody successfully done this?

    • This topic was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Christine.
    • This topic was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Christine.
    October 12, 2016 at 2:20 pm #117961
    Lacy
    Participant

    Yes. It is doable.

    You can remain friends with a person if you don’t secretly expect and hunt for the old relationship.

    You’re going to have to admit that the past is in the past and the future will have something new for you. Let go of the past, remember it with a good word and be open for anything for the good future.

    One other thing when it comes to having been in love – it might help if you try to understand how this relationship with that person was validating your own ego. Often we “want someone who wants to be” with us only in order to get some validation on our own worth – are we pretty, are we smart, are we important, are we valuable – we all want to feel this way – and even though a person with a healthy self-esteem will feel pretty, smart, important and valuable no matter if they are in a relationship or not – we as fragile human being tend to be a bit comfy and seek confirmation from other people in order to feel right. It’s a good science, worth looking into if you feel like you can’t get over it.

    Take care o/

    October 12, 2016 at 2:28 pm #117963
    Mishika
    Participant

    hi crob,
    ok so if you both have decided to be just friends and off course you love her and want this friendship to turn into relationship
    you need to be patient. Just because you’re good friends doesn’t mean you’ll be good at dating. Give your new relationship time to blossom. Make sure your expectations aren’t too high. Let your relationship grow slowly. We live in an age where everything moves so fast that we expect instantaneous gratification or we get bored. Relationships and trust develop slowly. We need to have patience to let a relationship grow at its own pace. Some friendships will develop into a relationship at a tortoise’s pace. Let your anxiety go, be patient and remember: Slow and steady wins the race.
    Mishika

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Mishika.
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