I feel lost. I attempt getting out of my current situation, but every time I make an attempt, paying much attention to every detail, elaborating on practical and sound actions and steps, I end up nowhere. This is my year so far.
I try to get a job for example. I have all day to read recruiters blogs and professional advise, to work on my personal story, to edit it, to explain every single move in my professional life so far, to justify my current situation in a good looking but realistic way, to be equally acknowledging of errors I’ve made yet reformulated past situations in a positive way with no placing blames and lessons learned, and at the same time not explain myself as guilty. I use by the book advise on how to explain my gap in my resume. I craft carefully every one of my applications, and prepare myself for every job interview like it was a university exam. What are the tasks at hand and how it’s done. I have the feeling that was invited to some of these interviews not because a real job was being offered, but just out of curiosity, and was asked all these weird questions non job related that puzzled me for hours after that… Are all employers in some secret agreement between each other to not hire me, am I blacklisted?
In the mean time I also try picking up freelance projects, to the extent that I can offer something, but I am not able to get any projects, the competition is fierce, and I have no previous recommendations… my finances are running out soon. I really don’t have much options to borrow money from close people around me. Last year I did this mistake with a person I considered a friend. He was a man, and I didn’t expect that he would respond to my favor asking the way he did. In the mean time, my family is now leading political games and battles over properties, and I chose to distance myself, because every interaction I have with them has strings attached, strings that are not to my favor. It is a long story, but my sister is being promoted now as the successful one as she finally got a job at almost 30… while I have been working since high school and this was not convenient for some people, for me to be recognized as self sufficient contributing individual. I did it anyway as I had no idea what has been going on in the family, I was just moving along with my life and working on achieving my personal goals – get income, study…
I still keep my visits to my psychoanalyst, who offered me discounts on my visits so I don’t stop, and is not pushing me to pay straight away. Even offered to lend me some money in case I run out before I get a job.
My close friends one by one migrated to other countries over the years. The last one, left in 2012. Of course I still had some social life, but no real close friends I can depend on.
I am not depressed by that, but I feel really concerned. Why is this happening to me?
I read some astrology, only selected and recommended authors. I found some useful concepts – to me, these are metaphors that one can use to study themselves or the occurrences in our lives. Explained my gentle, numb, compassionate Pisces moon and my touchy Scorpio ascendant character and life path. I also did some yoga, and not only asanas. Attending spiritual events has been like a buffer for me in hard times, but only temporarily. Eventually the veil gets lifted and sooner or later you start to see through people’s masks and who they really are. So my safe space to retreat from daily stress has been working for maybe a year or two, but not anymore. It is only within yourself that one can find truth, as I have found that groups tend to become fanatic over time. So much i have learned from people I’ve met but at least here in my country, there are no real leaders, only yoga business. I wish someday I could travel and meet a real guru and see for myself…
Funny thing is, before I started psychotherapy, I had it all together in my life. I was competitive, I had no problem finding and keeping a job, make it all work – the finances, the work, the studies, the grades. I had structure. But I was so severely inhibited that I had sleeping problems, social anxiety, no social life, constant anxiety about everything. My first call center job I was trembling on the phone and so scared yet I was determined to break that barrier at all cost. And now after several years of therapy, I finally have a good relationship with myself. Still some things to work on of course. I got rid of the social anxiety, have raised my standards as to who I accept into my life and to what extent. But now my outside world is broken. As years have passed, I no longer feel competitive and no longer have my magic skill to find a job. I mean it was an art I was doing. Many times I didn’t even have enough experience but I had this can-do attitude and knew how to promote myself, and my employers were always happy to have me work for them, I overachieved their expectations. And now, I have completely lost this ability. My friends and surroundings used to ask me to give them advise on crafting their CVs and applying for jobs and I was happy to. Funny thing now what I was happy to do for free for friends, in startup culture this is considered a gig and everyone gets paid for doing it, and I have not only lost it bu also so much has changed in technology. No regular jobs now but making business out of regular human interactions…
I used to have this attitude of the perpetual student, in every life situation, and this brought me success. I was humble enough to recognize that despite the person or situation is not more than I am, there was always something I could learn by putting aside my ego and paying active attention, I was a perfectionist. I am still respectful or every person or situation and open to learn, but now no one would give me a chance. I don’t know why. Is it a crime to want to start from scratch in another industry, even if I justify why I apply for lower responsibility level? Why would no one give me a chance? I have come in peace with the way things turned out on my previous job where I was not treated well. Not only within myself but also with the most important people involved. Why am I still stuck?

• This topic was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by tinybuddha.