Thank you Anita

Yes I am ok with no contact, it hurts me more when they contact me, because it’s never pleasant. My mother wants to be in my life and the childrens but it’s on her terms, as and when she can see us. She hasn’t helped me once through my chronic ill health and I am learning to accept that and let go of the resentment and hurt I feel that she has yet again abandoned me again. I am now learning to let her see us on my terms, so when she says she wants to visit us on a certain day if I don’t feel well that day I will say no assertively and no longer feel I can’t say no. It has to be right for me.

I have seen 3 therapists the last 4 years. The first was awful, the second one was great but very expensive, this lady I am seeing now does know her stuff. She also has had PTSD but I don’t think she truly gets agoraphobia if I am honest. I am going to give it another session or two then assess how I feel.

My therapist actually said that, I need to treat myself as 2 people, I have a scared inner child which is the anxious part of me and she said that part of me is adult as I am a good parent to my children. She said because I have been abandoned and hurt all my life it’s why I struggle to not be this scared little child, my childhood was also full of trauma and I felt afraid growing up. Then my brother attacked my husband and me a year later it then brought to light this anxiety disorder that I’d had inside me all my life but it was more subtle before, now it is so intense. I did overcome things but a year ago I became ill physically and it all came flooding back hence the agoraphobia again. I worry about my health constantly and think negatively. My poor head and brain hurt and I am exhausted making my chronic fatigue much worse.

I bought a book on healing the Inner Child, I am yet to start it. I am wondering if I’d be better off giving myself my own therapy because I feel my therapist really doesn’t get how hard I find going out. Yesterday when I asked how I’d face my blood test in 2 weeks she said to do imaginable exposure and belly breathing. I asked how I’d do appointments again one day and she gave the same advice, yet I have this huge mental block and fear of the doctors surgery since I had the panic attack in an appointment last year. My fear is I won’t ever go back and face these places. I told her I had to do a fear hierarchy and then work through it physically, not just imagining situations I am afraid of. I then said the tougher ones like the doctors I could break down into smaller tasks to reach the goal of doing an appointment. I could walk up to the doctors building and stand by the door, the next time walk in a pick up a leaflet, the time after pick up my prescription, then maybe sit in the waiting room while my husband goes to his appointment….. She agreed they were good ideas but I feel it’s all coming from me. There is more to healing agoraphobia and now phobias than belly breathing and imaginable exposure.

Sorry, just therapy has definitely been frustrating the last few weeks. She did my anxiety and depression tests in July when I started seeing her, she said she would do them regular to keep an eye on my mood incase therapy was making me feel worse. She never did them again until I asked her to yesterday. My depression score was very low in July, it’s now crept up, my anxiety has lessened abit but my mood has dipped which I knew it had. I am not one for depression but I feel the therapy has made me feel worse about things. I know therapy isn’t easy and you often feel like quitting so I guess I should stick with it. I cannot put myself through starting again with someone else, dragging up my past, talking about that day with my brother again, it’s too painful to keep going through it. I think this lady is my last chance then I will work hard ont hings myself. I seem to know more than her at times and she has said I seem so knowledgeable on anxiety, she asks me often how I know certain things. I had to give my son therapy myself after the NHS let him down, and everything I taught him helped as he is now in school thriving. I know it’s in me to do it but I am stuck in a rut right now and feeling so down on myself. I beat myself up daily that I should be more active and exercising, out walking but I can’t due to my ill health. I feel I should be taking the children to all their appointments but I’m not which makes me a terrible mother I rely on my husband… I am so hard on myself and it’s getting me nowhere. I need a blood test just for an MOT to check a few things and I am worrying about my health a year on and want it doing for peace of mind, but my fear I will have a huge panic attack or faint infront of the GP terrifies me. He has said he will come to my house but I still can’t bring myself to do it. I need my hubby with me and right now he can’t get any time off work to be with me for it so until he can I can’t face it, but in the meantime it’s hanging over me. I have already put it off a month lol! I worry more about my health not having it done, yet am terrified to do it after what happened during a blood test last year.

Sorry to go of course there, my poor head is full of worries right now.

Thank you for your kind replies.

Julie