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Libby

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  • #127991
    Libby
    Participant

    Thank you Anita

    I am waking up more and more each time I am speaking to her. She made a slight effort for 2 weeks after our deep heart to heart at Christmas, she rang me twice a week and would call asking how I was. Since there has been no effort, nothing at all and I am realising that’s ok and I don’t need her. I will allow the children to see her as they are asking to but I am protecting myself. My mother is acting like she hates me now when we speak, she is cold and rude, yes it hurt but it has made me stronger because now I hold no guilt for walking away. I know my mum feels sad things are like this, and I think she just thinks I am depressed and cutting everyone off because of that instead of them actually seeing that they are the cause. My mother and siblings are the cause of why I am cutting them off, they are also the cause of the depression and anxiety so I am moving away fully now. I won’t allow the cycle to continue. I feel free. I won’t’ allow the guilt that she is my mother pull me back in. My mother won’t ever learn her behviour is unacceptable if I keep going back to her and letting her visit.

    I know she will say ‘well how can I make things right if you haven’t let me visit since our talk at Christmas’. The thing is there is a big difference between a visit for tea and cake, putting on smiles and pretending i am well and fine, then an offer of support. She is fully aware I have a chronic illness and she was fully aware last month I was ill with a flu virus for weeks, yet she offered no support at all. All I got was ‘oh well’ or ‘oh dear’. She only has herself to blame that I am walking away. I cannot even speak to her anymore, the last 2 calls she was telling me she was staying at my sisters house as she had a virus and didn’t want to be alone and the call before was about how they had a mother daughter day together and how wonderful it was….. I feel she likes to stick the knife in and keep hurting me. Making me feel like I am not worthy of her offer of support or love. I won’t allow her to do that to me. I can’t keep every year having a heart to heart, her admitting she’s not been there for me or offered any support and love. Then nothing changes and I am the one left feeling rejected and hurt. No more. I am worth far more and I cannot overcome my anxiety or ill health until I eliminate the triggers.

    Julie

    #127831
    Libby
    Participant

    Thank you Sara.

    Great advice. I do make sure my children see their grandfathers and they have a big circle of friends. My children are really happy and go out with friends most days, very sociable and having lots of fun which makes me feel better about the family situation.

    I did something brave this week and I chose not to let my mum visit on my sons birthday. I told her I was taking care of my health, I need some more tests and don’t want to risk a crash because for me it isn’t worth it. I didn’t mean this in a rude way but I told her, her visits make me feel anxious and in turmoil inside which causes stress in my body and leads to a huge crash for days after, so I get nothing but negative from her visits. If the positives outweighed the negatives then the crash would be worth it but as things are they don’t. When she visits I feel nothing but hurt, resentment and fear. I told her this in a polite way and said for now I have to focus on myself and getting myself well has to be my priority because I don’t have family support, other than my husband and my children deserve a well mum again. She was shocked but agreed to it. I said my husband could bring the children to visit her at her home on Sunday and that’s what they did. She gave my husband some flowers to give to me, something she has never done and it did upset me because all I want is her to be a mum not send me flowers, although it was a nice gesture.

    I had messaged my mum last week to tell her I was unwell and needed more tests which I was quite anxious about. She ignored the message and eventually she rang me 28 hours later and said she had been helping out my sister staying over at her house as she was ill with a virus and didn’t want to be home alone with her husband out on stag night, so my mum offered to stay to help her. It stabbed me hard in the heart because I have been ill a year and she has never once offered to support me. I just had a 4 week flu virus on top of my ill health and had to take care of ill children, my mothers response at the time was ‘oh dear’ when I told her pn the phone. So it hurts me she sent flowers yet can’t be a mother like she is to my siblings. I am ok though because this last few weeks has taught me something. We had a our big talk at Christmas and it’s made me stronger because now I can walk away guilt free because since the talk ok I have said I am too unwell for visitors right now but my mother still hasn’t offered a single day of support to me, a visit is tea nad cake but an offer of support is coming to my home to help me out when I am unwell and have children to care for too. So now I can walk away and just accept she can’t be the mother I need, and I can’t expect her to be like the mother i am, I have my standards of what a mother should be like and she has her own. I cannot force her to be caring, loving and show it like I do to my children.

    Yesterday a friend in the US sent me out of the blue the most beautiful message. She told me I was a wonderful mother, she admired me and inspired her to be a good mother to her child. She said despite my ill health and anxiety I put my children first and they are such happy, confident, kind hearted children. She told me she was proud of me and that I should love myself because she adores me. It made me cry my heart out, we haven’t spoken in a while and out of the blue she sent me that. Well it was amazing and made me feel so good about myself. My mother called to speak to my son last night on Facetime. It was his birthday yesterday. I stupidly told her I’d received this beautiful message and she just looked at me with a look of either guilt or jealousy and said ‘oh nice’ and there was an awkward silence. I felt hurt but then said to her, it made my day and made me feel better about myself. She said nothing. When we were children she was always so angry and jealous if we said our friends mums were nice, she would lash out and say ‘well go live with them then’ It’s as though she is jealous of anyone doing a good job as a mother and maybe hearing I was told I was a good mother made her feel more guilty for letting me down, I don’t know but if my daughter told me she had received a message like that I’d have said ‘well you are a good mother, an amazing one’. My mother has never told me I am a good mum, or brave and strong. I wished I’d never told her but it was another message from the universe telling me I am doing right staying away from her.

    Sorry to have offloaded all of that. I am in a good place right now and yesterday for the first in 4 years I enjoyed my childs birthday, I felt relaxed and happy. My sisters didn’t send my son a card of gift again, which really didn’t upset me at all. I still acknowledge all my nice and nephews birthdays by sending cards and gifts and will continue to because I still do love them, it’s their parents who have driven me away and that is something I can’t go back to but I won’t stop loving their children.

    Julie

    #126999
    Libby
    Participant

    Thank you all so much for taking the time to offer some advice for dealing with anxiety and depression.

    Zipp – I shall change my routine up, you’re completely right. We get stuck in a routine and I believe we then link our routine to feeling depressed so the cycle continues, You think I sat here yesterday, I felt weak and ill in the kitchen when cooking yesterday, I felt so low and tired sat on the sofa last night. You have to change the routine a little and getting out each day even for a short walk or a sit in the garden can help do that. I am also going to teach myself to crochet.

    Emily – Thank you. I love that mantra and I am going to write it in my journal now. We get so pulled into the mind when our anxiety is high, it’s no wonder panic hits at times and we get wrapped up in those scary thoughts. Also journaling positives and grattitude is a great idea. Thank you.

    Jennnifer – I am going to try that green juice daily now, I used to in the summer but as soon as the weather changed I stopped. I will do that for sure. I do take a b complex plus b12. I also have magnesium each day. I seem to be very tired due to my thyroid illness that’s still trying to be medicated enough but I take vitamins to help me along the way.

    Nina – Lovely advice and I shall take all your ideas on board. I have started getting out a little. Today was the third day I have been out and walked my dog, just for 8-10 minutes but that’s a huge start. I am going to try to do this each morning, energy depending as I do have a chronic illness. I think I am struggling to accept my thyroid illness and I find that hard but I need to accept who I am now, accept I am fatigued and weak but be hopeful things will get better. Thank you for your lovely suggestions.

    VJ – Thank you for your recommendations. I am going to look them up today.

    Thank you all.
    Julie

    #126389
    Libby
    Participant

    Thank you Anita.

    #126372
    Libby
    Participant

    Sara,

    Thank you so much for your kind reply. You and Anita are of course right, my family are mean, manipulative and nasty. I knew that all my life but of course it was the norm.

    I never had that childhood where you felt safe, loved or like your parents would hug and kiss you. My mother did her best, but she kept having children with a man that couldn’t be a father, putting more and more pressure on me to help her take care of the babies. I was the eldest and grew up very fast. I know my mother loved me, she walked me to ballet lessons in all weathers with young children cold in the winter. She used her last penny to pay for me to go to ballet. My father didn’t give my mother a penny and he once a week gave us a basic shop of a couple of tins of value beans, a big sack of potatoes, fish fingers and spring rolls. We had no fruit or vegetables. We had a sunday lunch once a week and that was our only luxury. My school lunches were value yoghurt, value crisp and I’d get badly bullied so in the end I’d throw it in the bin and stave myself all day. I became ill from lack of food. It’s probably why I had serious stomach issues and weighed less than 90lbs all my life. I only gained weight 3 years ago when I went on an anti depressant to help me sleep and function after the attack. I am now a healthy weight around 118lbs.

    I had a tough childhood dealing with all of that then on top a mentally ill brother that saught my mothers attention constantly by attempting suicide, self harming, running away leaving notes… childhood was awful. My parents used to fight infront of us evrey night when my dad returned home from the pub. My only happy memories are of being at my nan and grandads. It’s where I felt safe and loved. I looked forward to every summer as my nan would have me on my own for a week, I remember i used to cry and beg her to let me stay. My Nan was like a mother to me, she is ebverything I hope I can be. When she passed 4 years ago I never got over it, I was distraught. 3 months later I was attacked by my brother and family gave me hell. I have never had a chance to grieve her. I cry if I even think about her. I am so grateful for her, she has made sure I had happy childhood memories. My mothers side of the family are nice people and sane, they were where I felt I had a normal life. At home my mother was stressed, always shouting, spitting at my dad, my dad would escape to the pub…. it was awful. At 19 I developed anxiety and it’s no wonder really looking back.

    I moved out at 20, married at 21 and my first child at 22. I adore my children, they are my world. Looking back though to their younger years I was always anxious and stressed because of my family. They were always causing an argument over something. My husband still recalls coming home from work and he said I’d have a banging headache, and I’d be on the phone trying to prove my innocence to someone that I’d not been ‘slagging them off’ as my family would accuse me. Then after my brother attacked me (the year before he had attacked my hubby) I said enough was enough. I’d still get random messages saying ‘Jo said you’ve been slagging me off, what have you been saying’ from my younger sister and vice versa. I had it and told them to never contact me again, I was sick of the childish nonsense and I am not a nasty person, I don’t ‘slag people off’. I was always the scapegoat and I had to get away from it all. My brother attacked me because my sister convinced him I had rung social services on him. I hadn’t, he was abusing his son but I never called them. He knew my mother and sister knew everything as he had told them what he had been doing and for some reason I was framed. Now my family just expect me to forget what he did to me, forget that they framed me and are the reason he attacked me, forget that my mother abandoned me after I was attacked, forget the abusive texts I received for over 2 years from my sisters…… They want me to be part of their family again because it’s my mothers wish and my mum said it will always be her dying wish.

    I can’t do that. I have stopped craving my mothers support in the last year, being ill with my thyroid has made me a stronger person even if I don’t realise it, but I feel sorry for my children. They know my family are toxic but they miss their cousins, they love their grandmother and I just can’t seem to completely break that last tie. My children are all older and do understand but my sons have said they still want to see their grandmother, so my fear is if I say they can’t then they will hate me.

    For now I am keeping well away from my family. My thyroid isn’t good again and have had to increase my dose. My anxiety isn’t good as a result and I cannot handle anymore stress. I know cutting them off completely is what I need to do but I honestly feel I can’t do that to my children. I have cut off my siblings and as a result they have no cousins in their lives. I feel terrible for that because they used to see them a lot. I feel they have grieved the loss of family despite knowing how toxic they are.

    Thank you for your kind reply, sorry I waffled on.

    Julie x

    #126370
    Libby
    Participant

    Thank you Anita

    I agree totally. I have had my cortisol tested and it’s a little on the high side and told it’s due to chronic stress, that’s hwy I haven’t been seeing family either and I feel much calmer for it. I am on 75mg of thyroxine now so hoping that along with less stress will help my thyroid. I have no doubt in my mind that the post traumatic stress has led to my health problems.

    I agree, the first 2 years after the attack I wanted my mum, I was hurt she rejected me and my children but last year all that need went and I became angry at her for rejecting me and my children. Now I honestly do not want her in my life, I feel very little for her other than rejection and hurt. I have changed in the last year and realised who loves me and is worth having in my life are those that have supported me. I have had this ill health a year and it’s been so hard taking care of my children and chronically unwell with my underactive thyroid. I did it, I survived it and still am doing without any support from my mother. It changed me and inside I became a different kind of hurt, a hurt that doesn’t want her near me. I can honestly say if she rang me now asking if she could help, if she could come and visit me daily to help me out at home, I’d say no, I honestly would. That’s the difference now. The only thing that pulls on my heart strings is my children. They lost every single family member and I hurt for them. They love my mum and have easily forgiven her it seems for her not being around much in the last 4 years.

    I am limiting contact, I haven’t spoken to her recently and have told her not to visit as I am unwell at the moment with a nasty virus and my thyroid illness and need some time to myself. She is accepting it and not forcing any visits, I suspect she is realising it’s not what i want now. Since our talk last month she seems afraid, when she has rung me she’s been on pins and concerned. She even texts me now in the week asking how I am. I can see she is trying but it’s all a little too late and it’s not what I want now. I will always love my mother but I don’t like the person she is. We can’t erase the damage she and my siblings have done to me but I can make sure it never happens to me again. Right now I need space to get well, I have a lot going on with my health as my GP wants to run even more tests which has spiked my anxiety, I don’t have any time for my family. I have already made it clear to my husband if I am ever taken into hospital the children must go to his dad or mine. My mother isn’t to be told I am in hospital. He was shocked but I made him swear to me he won’t involve my family because I don’t want them near my children, they’d have them near my brother and see it as a way to worm their way back in and I owe them something. We have got this far just the 5 of us with our fathers support, we can keep going.

    Thank you.
    Julie

    #126119
    Libby
    Participant

    Thank you for your reply Anita.

    No need to argue the point, it is your opinion and you’re entitled to that of course. I am just doing what’s best for my children, as a mother I put my needs last. I don’t even want to see my mother so I have no desire to cling onto her or the relationship, and that is why I will let my husband take the children to see my mother away from the home. If the children didn’t ask to see her or tell me they missed her then it would be far easier to cut the contact but as I said I am doing what they want and that means putting what I want last.

    They will have a healthy mother once my medication is at the correct dose for my thyroid and this year I am making sure I don’t subject myself to family contact that I don’t feel is right for me, but I shall allow the children to see my mother if they wish to. They are all older so it’s not as black and white as cutting that contact as they’d contact her themselves and arrange to meet her, with them having their own phones and she also calls them.

    I may feel less energy crashes and less anxiety not seeing my mother but the thyroid illness is a separate issue. Hopefully me seeing my mother much less will have a positive impact and I will be far happier. If they wish to see my mother then they of course can, I won’t stop that and as I said it would be difficult to do.

    Thank you for your time.

    Take care

    Julie

    #126103
    Libby
    Participant

    Anita,

    If I didn’t have children, in all honesty I would have cut all contact years ago. I promise you it’s not for my benefit at all as I am the one who feels the negativity and ill health they bring to me. The stress of seeing them causes it. I do it for my children as they ask to see her, ask when she is next visiting and I can’t hurt them anymore by cutting out this last family member, I just can’t do it to them as I know 100$ it would destroy the relationship I have with them as they are hurt enough that other family members have walked out.

    It’s not good for me so I am considering my husband meeting my mother with the children for the time being. I have ill health, which is genuine and caused by my underactive thyroid. I need to focus on that and not add stress to the mix as that makes me more unwell on top of what already is a difficult time.

    Thank you.

    Julie

    #126061
    Libby
    Participant

    Thank you Anita

    I do understand your frustration, even I get frustrated at myself that I allow myself to live in this constant turmoil so my children don’t lose another grandmother. My husbands mum has serious mental health issues, she lashed out at all the family after she left my father in law for another man. She regretted it and turned into a very angry, bitter woman and cut the whole family out, her 2 sons and all her beautiful grandchildren. She was abusive towards me many a time and angry we were happy and she did the same to other family. That is why I cling onto my children having a grandmother and i guess because my childhood was mainly only happy because of my wonderful grandmother I want my children to have a grandmother. I know my mother has done me wrong, and in turn that has effected my children, and I know that she has let them down a lot the last 4 years by rarely visiting and then when my son was bullied she didn’t offer him any support. I know she has done wrong and like you say I see through my sister and mothers nice behaviour now, it’s all a little too late for me.

    I have learnt to stand my ground. I refused to see her at Chrsitmas, I refused to let my children have a sleepover at my sisters and I have declined her invitation to her 30th birthday. I am making changes but I still just feel very torn about the grandmother situation as my children would be heartbroken, they love her and have told me they miss her. They are already such confused souls wondering why they have no cousins in their lives and no grandmother on their dads side. I feel heartbroken for them. They have stability with me and their father, we are such a happy close family.

    I maybe should not have vented all about my family, I just let it all out. My main pain right now is my chornic illness with my thyroid and the guilt that causes me as a mother. I should have mainly focused on that in the original post. That was really why I posted but my heart just flooded all my pain out infront of me.

    THank you.

    Julie

    #126057
    Libby
    Participant

    Anita

    I am sorry if you feel ‘done’ reading my post. I shall have it removed, I certainly didn’t mean to offend anyone. I was just posting in Tough Times as right now I am feeling a terrible mother with my ill health, maybe I should not have mentioned the issue with my family.

    I am sorry it has offended you and of course you have a right to not read my posts, that is totally your choice and I take no offence from that.

    Julie

    #126052
    Libby
    Participant

    Thank you for your reply.

    My GP has not mentioned hypopituitarism, I haven’t heard of it before either. My GP has run many tests and all that showed was an underactive thyroid.

    #126038
    Libby
    Participant

    Thank you Anita

    My sister and mother don’t get close enoough to hurt me now, contact is very limited. I have no contact with my brother and younger sister. The issue with my sister is she is polite now, always too nice to me but of course i know it’s false as she isn’t a nice person and when I see her I just think of past abuse and the hurt she has caused me. She also doens’t validate what my brother did to me and expects me to let her have the children at her house and if he visits that’s fine but I have stopped her having the children over and said no to sleepovers. She hates it and tries to pick a fight with me over it but I am hard now and jsut say no. My mother again she is all extra nice with me now, buys my childrens affections when she does see them. She loves my children I know that and I think she is aware of how her past behaviour has damanged our relationship and that’s why she is being so extra nice now. She rings me twice a week now and texts asking how I am since our big talk at new year but I don’t want it, I just am so used to coping alone now that seeing or even speaking to her makes my energy dip and makes me feel unwell. She is accepting this and isn’t turning up to visit now or going against my wishes and just turning up. My son asked her last week when she was visiting next, she said ‘well your mum said I can’t visit during the week now as she is unwell and the week days are busy for her and tiring’ so I took hold of the phone and said to my mum I couldn’t do week day visits as I’m alone in the week, hubby is at work and I have a chronic illness so can’t entertain people. I have to do school runs, cooking, cleaning and that takes every inch of energy. I said we would arrange visits on weekends around my health and when I feel strong enough to have visitors and not crash. She said ‘as long as the children know it’s not that I don’t want to see them’, which made me feel like I was at fault.

    The children love their Nan, I can’t take that away from them because if I did I know that would damage my relationships with my children. My eldest would resent me a lot. He rings his nan a couple of times a week for a chat. So I do feel my hands are tied, it’s horrible. I also have social anxiety since the agoraphobia, I said to my husband is is just I want to avoid people, am I wrong and avoiding people? he said ‘no, you’re avoiding those that hurt you and who would blame you. You’re unwell and need to focus on recovery without any reminders of what they have done to you’. I do have social anxiety right now but I think my husband is right, it’s not my social anxiety stopping me seeing family, I just get panicky seeing them in general and right now I am unwell physically and can’t face them.

    My sister is 30 in April and messaged me at teh weekend about her birthday party. I said I wouldn’t be attending because I am having health issues still and am unwell, I can’t attend parties as I have chronic fatigue and am in bed as soon as my husband gets in as I have to rest to be able to be a mother during the week. Her reply ‘well I want you there!!!’ I replied ‘well I have to do what’s right by me I’m afraid. I have been very ill for a year and right now i have to take care of myself so I can get well for my family’. She then said maybe my hubby could drop the children off, I said that wouldn’t be an option, my brother is going and no way would I let him near my children. My family love to take our children away from us and then see how they act around my brother. My mum had my sons for a sleepover 2 years ago and she allowed my brother to visit while they were there, I was so hurt and picked them up as the boys were texting me to pick them up as they felt scared. My mother to this day says that they were laughing and joking with my brother and that she thinks we turn the children against him. Of course it couldn’t possibly be his actions are why our children are afraid of him. It hurts that she rubs in my face that my children were laughing and joking with him {they have told me that my mum lied as they didn’t speak to him) I just can’t understand why she would rub in my face that a man who attacked me was all friendly with my children. I feel she cares so much about my brother feeling less guilt as apparently he feels guilty and afraid my children hate him. She cares more about reassuring him than she does how I feel and will rub in my face that my children were happy speaking to him. It’s horrible and that is why I stopped all sleepovers and any access without my husband or I present.

    I have taken a stand and it’s by my rules but I just don’t know how else to go about it as I can’t hurt my children, they have lost so many people and I hate myself for that even though I didn’t cause any of it, I stupidly feel guilty. Now i am ill physically and dealing with anxiety again I feel even more guilt.

    Thank you for your reply.
    Julie

    #118597
    Libby
    Participant

    Great advice Anita, thank you so much. I shall do my best to try that.

    Julie

    #118535
    Libby
    Participant

    Kat

    Thank you so much for your kind words and that new perspective I will take on.

    I do feel I always need to act strong, not show my anxiety and weakness. That is why I am so afraid tomorrow I will have a huge panic attack and show myself up infront of the doctor. He is lovely and kind. I hope I can be strong and get through the panic and find some kind of strength and confidence by putting myself through tomorrow.

    Thank you

    Julie

    #118534
    Libby
    Participant

    Hi Ketzer

    You’re right, my fear is of how I will react, panicking and showing myself up but also I am afraid of feeling panic like I did once before.

    I have bought the Happiness Trap but never got round to reading it, but I will now, thank you.

    Julie

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