Hi ajack379

Regarding the cheating, I do believe you were trying to sabotage the relationship out of fear of intimacy. Maybe that way you felt you were in control (as in possibly ending it on your terms). My concern is that you might do this again if you feel threatened. So unless you have seen the lesson in that fear it could happen again at any time. I would like to say again that this does NOT make you a broken or bad person. I have come to realize that these deep seated fears are very powerful, UNTIL we challenge them. Once we see them for what they are, they have no more power over us.

The way I deal with my fears is that first they surface into my consciousness at some point. When that happens, or when I am in a situation that triggers the fear, I set my intention to determine what is underneath that fear. I’ll wait until I get home. Then I sit down, and relax, taking deep breaths, until I feel calm. Then I think back to the exact situation that caused the fear, and I can feel it rise in my body somewhere (maybe my heart, maybe my gut). Then I imagine myself in a bubble of Light, knowing that nothing can harm me. I then imagine looking at the fear, and I ask why? What are you trying to tell me? I then listen for an answer, and then something pops into my mind. That is the next layer. Then I ask again why? I wait for the next thing to pop into my mind. And I keep on doing this until I feel that the last answer I got is the one that is the core issue. You just get a feeling that you’ve dug down to the bottom of it.
This process requires you to be very honest and vulnerable to and with yourself. I can say, without any feeling of shame, that I have often cried while doing this. That’s perfectly okay. So is feeling sad, shouting, feeling angry, etc. Just work through the emotions, because they are telling you how you really feel about something. Often the core feeling is being ashamed of something we did or let others do to ourselves. Shame is an illusion. Often we could not help what happened to us. Be kind to yourself, and just go through the process. You deserve to know the truth. You deserve to be happy and loved. We all do. But the important thing is that you set the intent to find the truth, no matter how uncomfortable that may be. I can guarantee you that you will feel free and liberated once you have seen the truth about a certain fear or situation.
And then you’ll be ready for the next layer. It never ends, but we get stronger and closer to the truth with every layer we peel off.

Hope this helps. There’s also so much information on the web about this process. It’s not the only process. It works for me. Something else might be better suited for you. But set your intention to find the truth, and then let Life lead you to the tools and solutions you need. Remember, Life always wants to help us, not hurt us.

Hope that helps
Gunter