Dear Jonathan Ellis:

I was not going to add anything to the brilliant (and I mean brilliant and wise!) input by Shipp, and yet there is something that can be addressed more thoroughly. Doing so can help you in future relationships.

You wrote: “when I ignored her for that week I was hoping to get a reaction out of her…I finally suggested that we should potentially break up”

When she made the comment about the divorce you felt hurt but also angry. You punished her by withdrawing, giving her the Silent Treatment for a week. The purpose was to hurt her back. It was also a manipulative move- you expected her to need you and reach out to you, move closer to you. Later you suggested a “potential break up” for the same purpose, to motivate her to beg for you to stay. You didn’t mean either- you didn’t honestly want to withdraw or end the relationship.

Your plans failed and instead of her moving closer to you, she moved farther away. I am suggesting that in the future, be honest (not manipulative) in your interactions with your next girlfriend- when you are hurt, express your hurt. When you assume the girlfriend meant something you don’t like- check with her if she did mean it (ask: did you mean X by what you said?).

Don’t punish with withdrawal/ silent treatment – it is not useful for you and can easily backfire, and it did, in your case: you only threatened distance and a breakup; she executed and enforced distance and breakup. And it is you who ended desperately reaching out to her, to the point of getting a restraining order.

Learn from this and you will make your future so much better.

anita