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One of the lowest moments of my life…need some advice

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Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
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  • November 10, 2016 at 3:48 pm #120080
    Jonathan Ellis
    Participant

    Hi everyone. My name is Jon and I’m 27 years old. I’m originally from the state of Indiana but after college I decided to move out to the East Coast.

    I landed in New York City and was able to find work at a startup company. I was their first outbound sales hire and over the past 2 years I was able to help them grown the head count of the company from 23 people when I was originally hired to 100+. I also met a girl 6 months into my time here in NYC that I would begin to date and start spending a-lot of time with.

    I was a real shy kid growing up and it is something that has bothered me for many years. Ever since high school I have really tried my best to get over the social anxiety and shyness and try to become the best man that I can be. I felt that I had made real progress. I was eventually promoted to a Sales Manager position at this company out here in NYC and the girl that I had been dating; her and I took a 1 year anniversary trip to Boston to celebrate our time together.

    Little did I know everything was about to come crashing down.

    I’m not perfect and neither was she. I have some real insecurity issues caused by the fact that this was my first girlfriend, although I never admitted this to her. She came from a very dysfunctional home where she was very close with her Mother but her Mother hated her Father. Therefore, my girlfriend had some warped views about men as a whole and was a very outspoken feminist. But we did have a good time together. It’s just that I felt I was never able to really get her to fully open up to me emotionally. I felt like she did care for me and enjoyed being with me but that she wasn’t ever fully emotionally vulnerable.

    We had a fight at around the one year mark in our relationship. She had made a comment to me about how divorce will always be an option for her even if she has kids someday because she doesn’t want to end up like her parents. This really hurt me as I interpreted this meaning she didn’t want to be with me and didn’t consider me a good long term candidate for a relationship. I ignored her for about a week as I was hurt and when I finally reached back out to her she seemed like she could have cared less whether I ever reached out or not.

    We kept seeing each other but she seemed a bit distant. She blew me off for an entire weekend so I finally suggested that we should potentially break up to which she immediately agreed. I was beyond hurt. For the next month I basically begged her to come back. She was very cold and outright mean a few times. almost seeming like she was going out of her way to hurt me. When we finally got back together I could feel that the power dynamic had shifted and she was thoroughly enjoying it. Openly speaking up about feminism and how women are better than men and even with holding sex and affection. This was a girl who was so kind and caring to me when we first started dating and now this.

    Eventually things got better and felt like it did back when we were in our groove. I moved into a new apartment and she even bought the bed sheets and shower curtains. She bought candles and cooked me dinner. She even bought me a $120 watch for my birthday. Things were great until I caught her texting another guy. The texts were flirtatious and really hurt me. She denied anything was going on but she seemed very annoyed and made me feel like I was in the wrong. We had a big fight and she left me, again, very coldly. Told me to leave her alone and not talk to her anymore. How can she turn around so quickly and leave me again? I was distraught and devastated.

    I couldn’t focus at work and began becoming irritable around my coworkers and not being able to hit my numbers and falling a-part as a whole. I was eventually fired. This happened about a month after she left me. I lost her and then I lost my job. All the people at work who I thought were my friends left me. They abandoned me. I even sent her an e-mail after I got fired asking her to please talk with me even though I knew she didn’t want to be in a relationship with me I just needed someone to talk to. She very coldly told me to leave her alone. I couldn’t believe it.

    I kept trying to reach out to the point where she called the police and now I have a restraining order on me with a court date on the 22nd. How could a girl who was so loving and so caring do this to me? I look at her facebook and she’s already posting pictures of herself all dressed up on the town and smiling like she’s never been happier. It is like someone has taken a knife and shoved it right into my heart.

    a few months ago I had a job as a manager for a good company, a girlfriend who I thought loved me and cared about me and a new apartment in Brooklyn.

    Now I have nothing. No friends, no job, no girlfriend and a restraining order on me. I spent the first month drinking heavily and crying and now just feel numb. I’d like to leave NYC but can’t until I figure out what’s going to happen in court. I am just down as low as I’ve ever felt and some days it just feels like giving up is a better option than to keep trying.

    November 10, 2016 at 8:23 pm #120091
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jon:

    You wrote: She very coldly told me to leave her alone…I kept trying to reach out to the point where she called the police and now I have a restraining order on me with a court date.”

    First: do not reach out to her anymore; do not try to contact her in any way, shape or form. And in the future, when a person says to you to leave them alone- do leave them alone.

    Second: Get legal counsel/ representation before the court date. Since you are unemployed, maybe free legal counsel in NYC can be available to you. Prepare and attend that court date with a lawyer representing you. The goal is that this restraining order will NOT be part of your legal record. This is very important so that your future employment will not be affected by such.

    Third: Seek another employment in NYC- or move elsewhere after the legal case is resolved (hopefully it will be resolved on the 22nd) and find employment.

    Fourth: find yourself some social support, a support group in NYC, a place where you can talk to people.

    Regarding your ex girlfriend: seems like she was very hurt and angry by the relationship between her parents. She decided, that unlike her mother, she will never put up with a man like her father. This is why she made the comment that divorce will always be an option for her- not because she thought little of you, but because she is still angry at her father and at her mother for not divorcing him. You misinterpreted her when you thought her comment had anything to do with you. As a result of your misinterpretation, you ignored her for a week and later, you suggested you break up. She was not going to chase you- again, she was not going to be the desperate woman her mother was. This is why she was cold.

    Doesn’t sound like she can have a healthy relationship with a man until she attends therapy and heals from the injuries she suffered from witnessing and being her mother’s confidante through their marriage. But all this is irrelevant to you now, as you must stay away from her.

    Get legal representation for the 22nd and do post again, anytime.

    anita

    November 10, 2016 at 9:31 pm #120099
    Jonathan Ellis
    Participant

    Anita:

    Thank you for the well thought out response.

    I’m not going to reach out to her again. I do have a lawyer that the court appointed me. She is very confident that she can get this reduced to a simple infraction that wouldn’t even go on my record as this is the only legal trouble I’ve ever been in. So I’m not really worried about that.

    I am just heartbroken that things ended with her the way they did. We had such a good relationship for that first year and now this. I think we’re both to blame but I just wish she wouldn’t be so thick headed about leaving me so quickly the way she did. It’s just an utter shame. All those memories and moments we shared together, gone.

    November 11, 2016 at 12:43 am #120101
    Shipp
    Participant

    Dear Jonathan,

    I agree with anita, this relationship is finished. Its time to move on.

    I can see that you are seeking to understand what happened, what went wrong. Unfortunately, I used to be very much as you described your ex girlfriend. I decided at an early age that I never would be in a relationship like my parents. You stated that when she told you this, that you were hurt and brushed her off for a week. Firstly, she views of divorce as a means of avoiding her parent’s relationship is a form of self preservation (it really didn’t have anything to do with you as a person). You took this as an insult when there really was none. By ignoring her, you hurt her. I also used to react with cold indifference when my ex husband hurt me. It was my way of protecting my feelings.

    You stated that you suggested that you break up and that you were hurt when she agreed. I’m sure, even though she may not have shown it, she was hurt by your suggestion to break up.

    From the sound of your post, things spiraled out of your control from there. Your attempts to regain control only made matters worse. I only say this because you seem to want to learn from this experience and understand. From my own experience, being in a relationship makes you feel vulnerable when you have parent baggage. Behaving coldly or by being mean is a self preservation reaction (unhealthy to yourself and unfair to the other person, yes, but it is a reaction none the less). The mindset of “I’m going to walk away before I get hurt again” is there and attempts by another person to pursue the relationship can feel threatening (hence the restraining order).

    You said “all those memories and moments we shared together, gone”. Not true. The relation is over, true, but you have those memories and moments…and you will always have those. It will take a string of days where you get up, breath and go about your day, go to bed, get up and do the same thing again…but as each day passes, you will be able to look back at your relationship and see the good that was there. I’ve told anita before “each day, I pick myself up, shake myself off and start again”.

    You sound like you have much to offer a girl in a relationship (just not this girl). You said that this was your first girlfriend. She will forever be your first love. The lessons that you learn from this relationship will effect your future relationships for better or for worse; its up to you to decide.

    It’s my hope that you will focus on your career and building the life that you want for yourself. When a girl comes along, you will be ready for the relationship that you deserve!

    Best wishes,

    ~Shipp

    November 11, 2016 at 1:03 am #120103
    Jonathan Ellis
    Participant

    Shipp –

    I really appreciate your response. I guess the idea of being cold and mean to someone to prevent yourself from getting hurt is foreign to me. I always felt that she never truly allowed herself to become emotionally vulnerable around me and I guess when I ignored her for that week I was hoping to get a reaction out of her. I was hoping to see her fight for the relationship, but she never seemed to want to do that.

    Would you mind elaborating a bit more on being cold and willing to walk away as self preservation? I would think that if your Mom and Dad had a bad relationship you would want to work all the more harder on your own relationships?

    Again, thank you for explaining all this to me.

    November 12, 2016 at 1:11 am #120143
    Shipp
    Participant

    Hey Jonathan,

    Your feeling that she never truly made herself emotionally vulnerable was probably correct. I know for myself that I built a wall around myself so that others couldn’t hurt me. When I started dating, I know now, that I did keep boyfriends at arms length and if I felt that they were pushing too hard to get close to me, I would break things off. The reason that I say this is self preservation is because I would rather be alone, and miss the good times, than risk feeling hurt.

    Let me give you a different way to look at it: Say you are on an airplane, everything is fine but then there’s a bit of turbulence. Most people would tense up a bit, wait for it to pass and then go on with the flight. Someone has been in a terrible plane crash before would react differently. If their fear being crashing (being hurt) again was so great, they may panic, and being certain that the plane WILL crash, may decide to parachute off to (in their mind) safety. Sometimes people do illogical things to avoid the thing that they fear the most.

    From my perspective, you gave some clues in your original post. You said things were good… around your 1 year anniversary (turbulence and she starts to panic)… she made a comment about divorce (sure that a crash is coming)…and that you ignored her for about a week (in her mind the ‘evidence’ that she needed to confirm her crash scenario)… so she emotionally bailed out.

    You mentioned that you hoped she would fight for the relationship. We all have the fight or flight instinct, in my case (and probably in hers too) so much of the fight was used up trying to get through being a kid, that by the time I got out and started my own relationships, I decided I was tired of fighting to get through so when a confrontation came along, I used flight. Basically “if you don’t respect the boundaries that I’ve put up, I outta here”.

    Is this a healthy mindset for a relationship? No. I did mention EX husband. In my situation, in spite of all my previous efforts to avoid having a situation like with my parents, thats exactly what my first marriage was. The key is that I took the time to figure out why and how I was that way..and learned from it. It seems that you are also trying to learn from this relationship.

    If I may offer one bit of advice for the future. No good comes from ignoring someone after an argument. Tell them straight up “what you said hurt me and I need some time to …” process, calm down..whatever. Then, take some time to exam what you feel (usually 24 hours is enough to think without over thinking it) but don’t leave the other person hanging out on a limb (possibly thinking the worse). Just remember that if you’re hurt or feeling insecure, they probably are too.

    Best wishes,

    ~Shipp

    November 12, 2016 at 2:11 am #120148
    Jonathan Ellis
    Participant

    Shipp –

    First and foremost I truly do appreciate the depth in your answers. They have been extremely helpful to have handy while I try to break down this relationship looking back.

    Again, I wasn’t perfect. I have a knack for shutting down on people when I’m upset about something. This is a trait I picked up from my Mom. I remember when I was growing up and she wasn’t happy about something she would just shut down. She would get real quiet and act as if nothing was wrong when you asked her “What’s wrong?”. Turns out she picked up this trait from her mom. So yes, the cycle just keeps continuing.

    If anything this relationship has taught me that I can’t do that to people. If I’m upset by something, I need to bring it up.

    Back to my Ex. What I found really interesting, and what your comments have helped to illuminate, is that when our relationship was less formal, i.e. just the two of us seeing each other twice a week, being intimate, having dinner together and her spending the night; she was more willing to ask me if I was OK when I would shut down on her. I remember on one occasion she sent me a text “Are you OK? Are we going to be OK?”, which felt good.

    However, it wasn’t until I pushed to get more serious with the relationship did she start acting unaffected when I was upset with something. It’s almost as if when I finally became totally emotionally vulnerable with her, expecting her to do the same with me, she sucked back the little bits of vulnerability she had already shown to me previously. Your answer has helped me understand why that may have been the case. I think it also explains how a month after the breakup she was posting pictures of herself dressed up and happy enjoying the nightlife in the city. I think she enjoys the honeymoon part of relationships but doesn’t want or can’t handle something deeper.

    At the end of the day, I think her and I both are at fault here. I think we both truly did enjoy each other’s company and do care for each other. It’s just that right now we both have issues that make being together impossible. I also realize that I won’t ever have a relationship with her again in the future. But I do love her and hope she has a nice life.

    November 12, 2016 at 2:55 am #120152
    Shipp
    Participant

    Dear Jonathan,

    If by sharing my life has helped in any way, then I’m glad that I shared it.

    I smiled because your mom’s reaction is how I act when I’m massively mad about something lol. I ran away when hurt, shut down when angry…seeing an unhealthy pattern there?

    I agree with your thinking. When things were casual, its was easy from her to show concern. At the BIG 1 year mark, she either panicked due to the length of the relationship or panicked because she had started to feel something. Either way, she pulled back.

    From your last post, you really seem to have made some progress in accepting and moving forward.

    May I offer one last suggestion (I promise the last lol). Take some time to read other material written by women. Some posts on here regarding relationships or breakups will give you insight on the emotions from another’s perspective. I believe it’s true that men and women express feelings differently. The emotions are the same but we are usually taught to express them differently.

    Anytime you’d like to ask questions, feel free to let me know.

    Take care,

    ~Shipp

    November 12, 2016 at 6:46 am #120160
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jonathan Ellis:

    I was not going to add anything to the brilliant (and I mean brilliant and wise!) input by Shipp, and yet there is something that can be addressed more thoroughly. Doing so can help you in future relationships.

    You wrote: “when I ignored her for that week I was hoping to get a reaction out of her…I finally suggested that we should potentially break up”

    When she made the comment about the divorce you felt hurt but also angry. You punished her by withdrawing, giving her the Silent Treatment for a week. The purpose was to hurt her back. It was also a manipulative move- you expected her to need you and reach out to you, move closer to you. Later you suggested a “potential break up” for the same purpose, to motivate her to beg for you to stay. You didn’t mean either- you didn’t honestly want to withdraw or end the relationship.

    Your plans failed and instead of her moving closer to you, she moved farther away. I am suggesting that in the future, be honest (not manipulative) in your interactions with your next girlfriend- when you are hurt, express your hurt. When you assume the girlfriend meant something you don’t like- check with her if she did mean it (ask: did you mean X by what you said?).

    Don’t punish with withdrawal/ silent treatment – it is not useful for you and can easily backfire, and it did, in your case: you only threatened distance and a breakup; she executed and enforced distance and breakup. And it is you who ended desperately reaching out to her, to the point of getting a restraining order.

    Learn from this and you will make your future so much better.

    anita

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