Dear third most,

I want to make sure that I understand the situation. Your girlfriend is ok when is just you two but the problem is when a group of people are around you when she is present, correct?

I had problems with this type off situation also. It’s hard to explain how or why I felt this way but I did. The thought run something like “I don’t know these people. I feel uncomfortable with them here. I wish they would leave. I wish he would stop talking to them and they would leave. I can’t just walk away, its rude. More people are coming. It’s way too many people. Why won’t he quit talking to them so they will leave?! Why is he putting me through this?” Those were just some of my thoughts when in that situation.

When you have social anxiety, you feel very threatened by certain situations. I would say that your friends gathering around is becoming a trigger for her. In a way, because you are stopping to chat and the party is growing, your at the center of her anxiety.

Good news is that relationship is not doomed. If you love her, you can work through this, but it’s going to take some work on your part.

Be mindful that she does have anxiety around your friends. When out with her, keep your focus on her. If a friend comes over, introduce them to her. Keep her in the conversation and involved. Keep the meet and greet short, tell your friend that you’ll catch up with them later, then get back to paying attention to her. You can tell her more about your friend that way she will feel more comfortable around them the next time they meet. If it’s a group, don’t hesitate to tell them ‘hey, I’m with my girlfriend now but I’ll catch up with you later’. And do catch up with friends and talk for a while, when she’s not around. It about balance.

I’m guessing that she wants to feel like you are protecting her from the situation that’s she’s afraid of and not causing her more distress. If you let her get to know your friends, one on one, slowly, then her anxiety will lessen around them. I think it’s too many people at once that is overwhelming for her and she starts to panic. Show her that you are on her side. Shielding her from these situations will help earn her trust in you.

The barriers that you mentioned are just her way of protecting herself. As you gain her trust, I think the barrier will start lowering.

I hope that some of this helps. I think your relationship can work if you love her and are willing to help her with her fears.

Best of luck,

~Shipp