Thank you, Anita.

The “outside” method I have down pretty pat. I have a fairly rigid definition of acceptable and unacceptable behavior that I hold to. I have recently added a few other things to that list.

Mindfulness is also something I have always practiced. Always being aware of what’s in my head and what is going on around me. Just for a different reason. I’m working on those. I’m also working on expressing emotions rather than suppressing them.

But I still have this knot of crap I’m holding onto. I can say, “That’s not me.” but it is. Its a part of me and I don’t know what to do with it. It is an interesting puzzle to be told “Don’t hold your past against you” when many of the people around me are doing just that (holding my past against me) while telling me not to. LOL

As I continue “rewiring” my thinking will this knot loosen on its own?
This is the puzzle I’m currently working on. I am working on the rest and I understand that it is a long road. It is this knot that I can’t get through. While I’m currently able to ignore that fanatic “You must be punished” voice, I am worried that I am not able to truly accept myself if that knot is still there. I worry that I am kidding myself and that nothing has really changed. It feels like I’m ignoring that knot because I don’t know what to do with it. Which is fairly accurate. But I know that ignoring it isn’t helping. That’s what got me in trouble in the first place. I know that you can only hold onto things for so long before it starts leaking out in rather spectacular ways. This has already occurred.

There are days when I feel like this is all just another facade I’m creating to cover that knot of guilt, shame, hurt. So that I can say “Look! I did all this and its still the same!”

LOL I’m not even particularly artistic, so I can’t work through it that way. Although maybe making a physical representation of some kind will help. This is one of those time where I think that my words have failed to convey my intentions. It happens. I will check out the pages you suggested. Thanks again.