* Dear jenhodges1979:

With what I understand to be Ninja’s (original poster, or OP) invitation, I am responding to your post. You asked if your boyfriend’s behavior is normal. Let’s look at his behavior that you addressed: he insisted on knowing how many sexual partners you had before you met him, got upset that you didn’t want to know his number; when you told him of your (very low) number, he grilled you about the physical aspect of your previous sexual partners’ penises in relation to his. Even though the latter distressed you greatly, he continued to ask and pressure you to answer.

Is it normal? I don’t know what “normal” is. Is it a behavior of a man who possess good mental health? No, is my answer. I believe he is DRIVEN to ask those questions. He may see your distress (and care to not distress you in other areas), but he is driven to ask you nonetheless. It is possible for him to not ask, if he practices lots of self control, but to not ask over time is just too difficult and (even if he tries to not ask) he finally asks.

Why does he ask? I am assuming he feels not good enough, as a person, since he was a child. He is focusing on the topic he is focusing on, but the issue underneath is not the issue he is driven to ask about. It is like a person who feels less than, inferior, not worthy of love and focuses on their nose: ‘my nose is too wide” or the like, or ‘I am too short, too stocky… too X’- so they look in the mirror a lot, or avoid the mirror or try to hide their face with hair or make up …

So your boyfriend is focusing on his penis in comparison to others’. The logic behind his focus (or current obsession, another word) is that If he gets an assurance from you that his penis is the biggest or strongest, then he will feel good enough, worthy, no longer less-than and inferior.

But even if you gave him such assurance, his less-than core belief will still be there and will be expressed some other way- in the same area (grilling you on another sexual aspect like timing: how long did they last) or in another area, feeling less than at work.

This is why it is important that you do two things:

1. Refuse to answer any more questions regarding your sexual past, no matter what.
2. Recommend to him that he attends psychotherapy with a competent therapist so to heal from the early injuries to his sense of worth, probably injuries inflicted on him in childhood.

anita