- This topic has 24 replies, 11 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 9 months ago by Anonymous.
October 7, 2016 at 6:10 am #117414
Thanks, JLo5. And I appreciate your reading my other thread. Honestly, it was hard hearing her reveal her lengthy past – at least it was to me. One of the toughest things I’ve ever heard in my life. She admitted that she knew my believe was that she had been with less than ten guys – and was glad to go with that. Her number (30) was blurted out in an argument last December. I’ve been somewhat stunned ever since.
I have spoken with a counselor. He was okay. Helped me sort things out.
I am much better. It is tough to not see her in a different light. I believe some of the difficulty here is her and my contrasting pasts (me: 0, her: 30). So, I do bring that to the table.
Lastly, and this is most helpful to me, I am able to separate what I want to know out of “basic information” from “nosey curiosity.” When your imagination goes wild (as I’ve heard it can in these cases), you want to know sordid details – and that leads to wanting to know more and more. For a while, my line to her was, “I just want to know who it is that I married.” But I now realize that at some point the questions must stop. Some (perhaps a lot) of her past really is her business. Which is why, as you’ve read in my previous thread, I’ve got to be at peace with having her tell me what she wants – or nothing at all. Still, it hurts and makes me both sad and disappointed. I know many will be all over me for judging my spouse, etc. But put yourself in my virgin shoes for just a moment.
Thanks.November 18, 2016 at 8:57 am #120641Jessy MaeParticipant
I hope you don’t mind me sticking my nose into this old post, but I thought I’d add my two cents. (I only just discovered this forum after all)
I don’t think it should matter, and I don’t think numbers should be revealed unless you are such good friends that nothing would shake that. I think in your case you’re dealing with some insecurities because you’re afraid she’s comparing your performance to all those other guys. Trust me, she’s not thinking that way, other then you must be good at keeping her happy in that department. I don’t think you having no experience prior to marriage is a bad thing. My brother was the same way. I think the insecurity is/was yours.
Now I was raised pretty strict and didn’t give it up until I was over 21. I honestly thought I’d be able to hold out for marriage but that didn’t happen. Then the floodgates opened. Not proud, but I will tell you that once I was with the man I married I never once thought about straying. NOT ONCE. So it doesn’t matter how many partners if you’re committed to your marriage. It’s a non issue. Same thing when I was with my long term boyfriend after my divorce. Never considered anyone else.
Now since I’ve been single over the past year I won’t even go into how much fun I’ve had, but no one knows the number but me. I stay safe, I stay clean, I get checked, and I ask about that before the deed is done. If and when I decide to get serious again it will go back to being a non-issue.
That being said, I don’t think your wife’s number is horrible. Have you seen the move “What’s your number” (It’s a chick flick, so not shocked if you’ve never heard of it) but essentially a movie about this woman who read in a magazine that the number of men an average woman slept with was 20 before she got married. She was panicked because she was at #19 with no hubby in sight. I guess it all comes down to personal comfort level.
Considering the way people are today the world is vastly different now then it was 20 years ago when we were in our 20’s. I think I was more conservative then. In some ways I feel like Benjamin Buttons, growing younger as I grow older. Strange.November 18, 2016 at 11:28 am #120670
Thanks, Jessi. I really appreciate the input from a woman’s point of view. While I do agree that it does have to do with insecurities, I also believe it’s simply intimidating. Go to YouTube and watch the scene in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” where she goes through her list of 30+ partners to a shocked Hugh Grant. It is funny.
I also believe people fall into one of two groups: those with higher numbers and those in the low single digits. The response from those with high(er) numbers deal with a level of shame and regret while also insisting that “the number doesn’t matter.” The lower, single digit folk seem to feel there’s still a sense of purity in those who haven’t “slept around.”
I think it comes down to history and personal belief and preference.
NinjaNovember 18, 2016 at 6:17 pm #120680AnonymousGuest
“Are married people obliged to disclose their “number” to their spouse?” No. But it is your right, Ninja, as is any man, to ask a woman you consider marrying for the number of men. If she refuses to tell you, which is her right, then it is your right to end the relationship and/ or not marry her.
Regarding the “sense of purity in those who haven’t slept around.’ (slept around, meaning with many men)” I am bringing up the following questions about a woman’s history before marriage:
Is a woman pure if she didn’t have sexual intercourse with any man (is still a virgin) but had steamy partial sexual interactions with many men?
Is a woman pure if she had sex only with two men but thousands of times total, over a four year relationship with each man?
Is a woman pure if she had sex only five times total but with five different men?
Is a woman pure if she had sex only with one man, but it included unusual, perhaps controversial practices?
Is a woman pure if she had no sexual interactions with anyone at all but is dishonest and manipulative?
anitaNovember 18, 2016 at 6:44 pm #120682
Okay, fair enough. “Purity” may have been a poor choice of words on my part. I retract it.
Still, it is my belief that people with lower numbers of partners still place a certain value in holding back, disciplining themselves and not giving themselves to the person who bought them enough drinks on the dance floor last night.
Again, everyone’s moral code is different.
NinjaNovember 18, 2016 at 7:04 pm #120685AnonymousGuest
You made a good point in your last post, one I didn’t think about. I am connecting what you wrote before- that a woman who had many sexual partners before marriage is more likely to be unfaithful to her husband. So what you are saying is that having many partners indicate a woman’s lack of self discipline and higher values. In the case a woman has practiced self discipline and that was the reason she had fewer men, that would make sense.
But if a woman had no sexual partners, that may be because she was shy not because of self discipline?
Or a woman may have been living at home with very controlling parents, and once married and away from her parents, she may feel free to make up for lost time through infidelity.
I suppose, low number is not necessarily an indication of self discipline- I am not trying to prove you wrong, Ninja, or argue with you. I am saying that there are multiple factors involved. We can drop this and let this thread go back to the past where it may belong.
anitaDecember 1, 2016 at 7:44 am #121669JenniferParticipant
I do not think that anyone should be obligated to answer that. I think partners should respect if the other person wants to disclose it or not, but if one person really has to know, they should explain why it is so important to them to know. If it is disclosed I think it should be done early. I have never been asked that in any prior relationships, nor have I ever asked because it was not important to me (the person is in a relationship with me now and that was more important to me at the time), but in my current relationship, my boyfriend demanded to know how many and he would not let up, so I told him (and it is a very low number) and I also told him that I did not want to know his. He was annoyed that I did not want to know his. He then proceeded to grill me about their sizes, length, and girth in comparison to his. It made me feel so uncomfortable and it hurt me a lot because one ex-boyfriend in particular hurt me badly and I did not like recalling him at all, but I was pretty much forced to tell all. I also felt in a way that disclosing such detail was a violation to my exes’ privacy. It really hurt me that my boyfriend saw how much this stressed me, yet for whatever reason, he still demanded to know every last detail. Is that normal?December 1, 2016 at 8:09 am #121672AnonymousGuest
* Dear jenhodges1979: I would like to reply to you but this is not my thread, I am not the Original Poster. If you would like my/ others’ reply, if this issue bothers you, please start your own thread by clicking FORUMS, choosing a CATEGORY (RELATIONSHIPS, I believe), click it, go down the page and post there.
anitaDecember 1, 2016 at 10:52 am #121704
Or, jenhodges1979, if you feel more comfortable keeping it a part of this thread, as the person who started it, please feel free. Sometimes these threads “stray” for a reason … only to come back full circle.
NinjaDecember 2, 2016 at 8:40 am #121737AnonymousGuest
* Dear jenhodges1979:
With what I understand to be Ninja’s (original poster, or OP) invitation, I am responding to your post. You asked if your boyfriend’s behavior is normal. Let’s look at his behavior that you addressed: he insisted on knowing how many sexual partners you had before you met him, got upset that you didn’t want to know his number; when you told him of your (very low) number, he grilled you about the physical aspect of your previous sexual partners’ penises in relation to his. Even though the latter distressed you greatly, he continued to ask and pressure you to answer.
Is it normal? I don’t know what “normal” is. Is it a behavior of a man who possess good mental health? No, is my answer. I believe he is DRIVEN to ask those questions. He may see your distress (and care to not distress you in other areas), but he is driven to ask you nonetheless. It is possible for him to not ask, if he practices lots of self control, but to not ask over time is just too difficult and (even if he tries to not ask) he finally asks.
Why does he ask? I am assuming he feels not good enough, as a person, since he was a child. He is focusing on the topic he is focusing on, but the issue underneath is not the issue he is driven to ask about. It is like a person who feels less than, inferior, not worthy of love and focuses on their nose: ‘my nose is too wide” or the like, or ‘I am too short, too stocky… too X’- so they look in the mirror a lot, or avoid the mirror or try to hide their face with hair or make up …
So your boyfriend is focusing on his penis in comparison to others’. The logic behind his focus (or current obsession, another word) is that If he gets an assurance from you that his penis is the biggest or strongest, then he will feel good enough, worthy, no longer less-than and inferior.
But even if you gave him such assurance, his less-than core belief will still be there and will be expressed some other way- in the same area (grilling you on another sexual aspect like timing: how long did they last) or in another area, feeling less than at work.
This is why it is important that you do two things:
1. Refuse to answer any more questions regarding your sexual past, no matter what.
2. Recommend to him that he attends psychotherapy with a competent therapist so to heal from the early injuries to his sense of worth, probably injuries inflicted on him in childhood.