Forum Replies Created
November 23, 2016 at 9:30 am #121004
It’s funny you should point that out. I do see a connection – and that’s not a bad thing. It’s just that pushing myself out of my comfort zone I’ve found myself willing to try different things that I would never have considered before. As such I have also found a different kind of happiness within myself then I ever expected. I think we all go through a growth process in trying to figure out where we “fit”.
Thanks for the insight!
JessyNovember 23, 2016 at 6:28 am #120985
Thank you guys so much for all of your responses.
Freebird, I think you bring up an excellent point. Why define this? I’m happy for the most part with the way things are now, mostly because a man hasn’t come along who really makes me want to give up all the others. Recently I started thinking about this a bit more when I was exploring a potential new love interest who does not know anything about the other men in my life and he mentioned that a few months ago a woman wanted him to be her new guy but she was married and in an open marriage. He said he couldn’t see that working for him. I didn’t bring up anything about me, but I knew right there that we could ever only be friends, in spite of how much I liked him and we had in common. I could tell that if he knew, he would judge me and possibly discontinue our friendship. Our relationship is unique to me because he is the only man I have gone out with multiple times over the span of several months with whom I have never kissed or had any form of sexual contact. I just think he isn’t attracted to me sexually, and while there is a bit of chemistry there it’s not huge for me either. I know he’s completely straight, he was married for 18 years and is dating now and we do talk about sex but his ex wife cheated on him and he has a hard time trusting again. So I’m not thinking he’s gay. The refreshing thing about my relationship/friendship with him is the lack of sex – I’m wondering if it’s possible to be close to someone without it, and how close can you get? It’s also like a personal challenge to myself to see if I can have a close relationship with a man I don’t sleep with.
Thank you Alien for reminding me that it’s my life and I shouldn’t worry about what other people think. Just do you. That’s what my Ninja says to me all the time. I have nick-named my lovers, he’s one of them.
Kayj, sounds like we are in a similar situation. I will tell you though, that when I fell in love with one of my lovers it happened without me realizing it. One day I realized I loved him but that I didn’t want to give up the others. It was very conflicting for a while and it took me a couple of months to work though. I dropped a couple of other lovers who got too attached before, but with this guy, probably because we had such an open and honest relationship from the beginning, it was harder for me to do. In the end he has opened me up to new experiences and we are very close overall, but both agree that we are fundamentally different and wouldn’t work as an exclusive couple.
I think that I was judging based on societies rules. The thing is that I have two kids and I don’t want them wondering about who my boyfriend is, but they have met only one and I have done my best to keep it that way. He understands, and since he also has two kids they have met and are friends too but we are very careful to not be physical in front of any of them. Also, I don’t want them going back to their very traditional father with stories. That could get awkward.November 21, 2016 at 8:06 pm #120875
I’m in my early 40’s. I don’t think I would have thought about or considered doing this if I were a lot younger. Mostly because of my upbringing. But I have discovered that love isn’t something I can push into a box for one person and be done with it. I truly do not feel that I am a slut. I truly care about all of these men. They all add something to my life, but the biggest thing is that they don’t tie me down. I am free to explore life without inhibition or expectations. I have chosen this, but it wasn’t something I woke up one day and decided on. It was something I woke up to after gradually realizing that I had added lovers to my life but hadn’t subtracted them. In fact, I didn’t intend to have multiple lovers either. I enjoy pleasing and being pleased. And it is a rare man who can please me as often as I need it. In turn, I don’t expect any of these men to enjoy only me and no others. In fact if they tell me they only want that, I tend to cut them loose because that is too much pressure for me. They might fall in love. I might have to give up the others before I am ready to do that. In what I’ve seen, the poly-amorous have a primary partner and then add others to that – and I don’t and really have no desire for a primary. In fact the man I am considering as a primary I’m not even having sex with. He’s strictly platonic.
So I’m looking for thoughts on this. Any others who may have experienced something like this? Or considered it? Or wondering about it.
J.November 18, 2016 at 8:57 am #120641
I hope you don’t mind me sticking my nose into this old post, but I thought I’d add my two cents. (I only just discovered this forum after all)
I don’t think it should matter, and I don’t think numbers should be revealed unless you are such good friends that nothing would shake that. I think in your case you’re dealing with some insecurities because you’re afraid she’s comparing your performance to all those other guys. Trust me, she’s not thinking that way, other then you must be good at keeping her happy in that department. I don’t think you having no experience prior to marriage is a bad thing. My brother was the same way. I think the insecurity is/was yours.
Now I was raised pretty strict and didn’t give it up until I was over 21. I honestly thought I’d be able to hold out for marriage but that didn’t happen. Then the floodgates opened. Not proud, but I will tell you that once I was with the man I married I never once thought about straying. NOT ONCE. So it doesn’t matter how many partners if you’re committed to your marriage. It’s a non issue. Same thing when I was with my long term boyfriend after my divorce. Never considered anyone else.
Now since I’ve been single over the past year I won’t even go into how much fun I’ve had, but no one knows the number but me. I stay safe, I stay clean, I get checked, and I ask about that before the deed is done. If and when I decide to get serious again it will go back to being a non-issue.
That being said, I don’t think your wife’s number is horrible. Have you seen the move “What’s your number” (It’s a chick flick, so not shocked if you’ve never heard of it) but essentially a movie about this woman who read in a magazine that the number of men an average woman slept with was 20 before she got married. She was panicked because she was at #19 with no hubby in sight. I guess it all comes down to personal comfort level.
Considering the way people are today the world is vastly different now then it was 20 years ago when we were in our 20’s. I think I was more conservative then. In some ways I feel like Benjamin Buttons, growing younger as I grow older. Strange.November 18, 2016 at 8:05 am #120634
I’m so glad we have been able to help you through this. Ninja has some great points, and I whole hardheartedly agree with what Anita said in her last post. The sparkly romantic love is really fleeting – Hollywood and the world makes it seem like that is real love, but its not. Real love is much less glamorous but all the more special. It’s what truly connects us to each other. Romantic love entices and attracts but unless there is truly something lasting to further connect you it will not, it cannot last.
Instead of worrying about the romantic spark try doing something a little different every now and then like sending her a naughty text out of the blue. Even when my ex and I were fighting if he sent me a flirty text or said something way off the wall, like “I can’t get over how amazing your ass looks in that dress” it would bring me out of myself and I would laugh. I don’t know how your wife is, some women get even angrier with stuff like that, but for me it gave me security that even though we might be fighting he still loved me. And gave me that little tingle of, ‘ he still thinks I’m hot, after all this time’. It also made me less angry. You’ve got to laugh with each other and remember how to flirt! Googly eyes over dinner above the kids heads, make her laugh. Gets me every time, she can’t be all that different. And laughing with her will ultimately make you feel better about yourself too.
And Ninja, since I know you’re reading this too, take the above advice. Laugh with her, if you’re not already doing this. Just keep trying it. She’s going to find you crazy and silly and wonder if you’re insane, but think about this guys, what if there was another man trying to get her attention. What would he do? Do it first. Do it better. You have the advantage of the home court. Use it. She doesn’t want the other team to win, not really, she wants you. She chose you. Think about the crazy stuff you did to get her attention when you were dating. It makes her feel sexy and wanted and laughter really is the best medicine. I hope this helps and makes sense.
Have fun flirting with your wives!
JessiNovember 17, 2016 at 7:19 am #120568
I’ve been there. Ultimately if you want a relationship with him you have to let him go. Sounds like the opposite, but trust me on this, if he is interested he will come around. If he’s not, then you’re better off without him continuing to lead you on. Sex bonds a woman but not so much for a man. However, they thrive on the pursuit. So give him something to pursue. YOU! The only way he can do that is for you to let him by disappearing. A little secret about men. If you text first then he knows your on the hook and he’ll look for someone else to pursue to fill that need of the thrill of the chase. Why do you think men still go hunting nowadays when there is plenty of food in the corner grocery store? They NEED to hunt. We’re women, we need to know they are going to stick around – but that is also a primal need – to make sure if you get pregnant he’ll be there. Ultimately humans are still cave people at our core. If you understand that, you know where your fear of him leaving is coming from.
Blessings & Love,
JessiNovember 17, 2016 at 6:54 am #120563
This is just my opinion, take it with a grain of salt. You need a goal. Something to challenge you and motivate you. You don’t want to struggle with happiness, you want to struggle with accomplishment. Helping others can be a worthy goal, but perhaps you need something that challenges you personally. Can you run a mile in under a minute? Ever tried passing a securities test? Writing a book? One handed push-ups? Seeing how many times you can satisfy your lover in a row? Start your own business? Train for a marathon? I’m sure you can think of a million other things that you’d like to try or have thought about doing. Do those. Human beings have to have a goal or they feel exactly the way you feel. You need something to shoot for! Have you tried sales? There’s always a quota to hit! Bonus can be very nice when you do.
JessiNovember 17, 2016 at 6:45 am #120562
Oh my dear, the pain you’re going through now is real and only time will help. In this case it might be best to leave him be and move on with your life, as difficult as I know this is. Take your time getting over him before trying again, but don’t wait too long. With that being said, I do have some advice for you, if you’re open.
What you’ve described as caring a man is going to see as smothering, especially early in a relationship. That turns a man off faster then pouring water on a fire. Men like to pursue. They like to be the one taking care of their woman. It gives him genuine pleasure and happiness to do this. It also keeps him interested in you when you have a life outside of him. So for your next relationship don’t be the one texting him all the time. Let him text you first. Make a game of it with yourself. See how long you can hold out before you text him and see if he texts you first. TRUST me, he will. Sometimes it can take a day or so, but if he’s interested he WILL. Your kindness to him is letting him chase you. It makes him feel like a man, and he will love you for it.
Don’t give up hope, just realize that men and women are different and with that understanding you can change your approach and find happiness. Above all though, find things that you enjoy doing by yourself that you don’t need a man for. Don’t wait for him. Love yourself and the right man will come into your life.
Blessings & Love,
JessiNovember 17, 2016 at 6:24 am #120559
What is it that you do at work? I’m in finance and it can be a very high stress job with sales quotas, etc. That being said, I listen to motivational Audible content during my commute and it helps me deal with the toxic work environments I’ve been in. Keep doing what you’re doing, you are going to rise above. You are focused on becoming better and you just need to keep that focus and drive in place. My favorite motivator is Grant Cardone. Check out his 100 Ways to Stay Motivated. He’s a sales guru, so if that’s part of your job, you’ll love him. He has tons of free content on youtube and FB too.
You’ve got this!
JessiNovember 17, 2016 at 5:47 am #120555
First of all I want to say that I completely understand where you’re coming from and I too have made the same mistakes. I’m going to tell you something that might be hard to take, but hear me out. From everything you’ve described I can tell you exactly where it all went wrong. When you got jealous of the other girls instead of trusting him. You were insecure and started nagging him about them. Men hate that. So what if they were texting him, he was WITH you. Just ask him politely to pay attention to you, or even better start showing some skin, and he’ll drop the phone fast. It might have been his first relationship, but he was honest from the start and while you were too, what you taught him was that women are ultimately insecure. I’m going to tell you a secret about men and how to deal with them. You can choose to take my advice or not, but trust me, this works. There are just a few things you need to know first.
All men are selfish, and so are women. It’s human nature. It’s also the male nature to pursue. Now you need to ask yourself if you really want him back. Then you need to come to terms with the fact that it could really be over, even if it hasn’t’ been said yet. That isn’t easy to do, because you keep thinking about him and all the good times you had together. You NEED to do this and be OKAY before you can do what you need to do next. You need to disappear.
Here is the secret. You need to STOP TEXTING OR CALLING HIM!! Wait. Wait. Wait some more. If he truly has feelings for you, he WILL eventually text or call you. It may take a few days, it may take a couple of weeks but you MUST BE STRONG my dear. If he doesn’t, then it truly is over, but if he does, then you have a chance. Don’t let him know you are excited to hear from him. Tell him you’ve been busy and had hardly noticed you hadn’t heard from him. Make HIM jealous. He’ll start wondering what you’ve been up to. It will drive him crazy. If he asks to see you, say you’d love to but then be busy. Don’t blow him off, just have something else going on when he wants to come over. (Don’t tell him you’re just washing your hair and painting your nails – it’s not his business WHAT you’re doing, just that you’re busy) Make him sweat. He will imagine all sorts of things. So what, that’s not your problem. Remember all the reasons you got mad at him.
Don’t make him sweat it out too long though, give him options. Yes, you’re busy Friday night, but you could meet for coffee on Sunday (or something like that). Then be the sweet, loving, funny person he fell for and completely forget about talking about any of the things your argued about. Don’t bring up the past. Leave it. He’s not with those girls, he’s with you. But you’re a busy woman now that you’re not in school. So don’t stay longer then an hour. Have somewhere to be. TRUST ME! He will realize you’re not sitting on the shelf where he left you waiting for him to get back to you. And don’t be. You’re a young, beautiful, vibrant, intelligent woman who can have any man she wants. (Tell yourself this. Say it again. Again!) Because you believe it, so will he and he’ll want that woman back. He won’t want some other man getting the awesome woman that is you!
What will you get out of this? You’ll either get him back or you won’t, but ultimately you’ll feel better about YOU. And truly, that is the only way you will be happy.
Blessings & Love
JessiNovember 17, 2016 at 5:10 am #120551
If it’s truly important to you, you’ll make time. If it’s not, you won’t. It’s really that simple.November 17, 2016 at 4:46 am #120550
I disagree that it’s over and I think your marriage is worth saving, for both of you. As I said before, today’s world gives up too easily and seems to forget that while being selfless is hard ultimately it can make you happier because you are seeing her needs met. That is how men are made up. It’s what makes them happiest. But I also think that, as one of the other posters said, the trust is broken. I think that may be where some of your sadness is coming from. You can’t completely trust that she is going to be there for you no matter what happens, so after a particularly good day you may fear it isn’t enough and it brings on the sadness/depression. I stand by what I said before about listening to motivators. It’s impossible to feel bad listening to them, but you must do it daily for at least 30 minutes for it to really start changing your thinking. From what you said about your wife being surprised about your efforts, she never really wanted to leave, like me she thought that you didn’t care.
The frank conversation you need to have with her is this: Honey, I love you and our girls and I don’t want a separation. I know that you love me too although you may not be “in love” with me right now. That’s okay. But you and our family are extremely important to me and I will do everything in my power to make you and our girls happy. I know I’m not perfect but I’m trying to be a better man. I really do appreciate you and how patient you’ve been with me over the past years. Even if you don’t fall “in love” with me again,know that I will always love you, even if that means letting you go.
Don’t be too quick to listen to those who say it’s all over. She hasn’t left yet, there is still hope. And the fact that you’re trying and want this to work means there is still hope. You’re never going to go back to the kind of relationship or marriage that you had before all of this, but a different one. You are different people now. You are not the same as when you first met or married. People and relationships change and evolve over time. It doesn’t mean you can’t reconnect. She’s still there after a year, and she had a great time on her birthday with YOU. Think about that. Appreciate that.
Ultimately being unselfish IS being selfish because it means your happiness too. That is what people seem to forget. Would you be truly happy or would she if you were no longer together? It doesn’t sound like it to me. Especially considering her response to your question about separation. She doesn’t really want to leave.
For yourself, you are a good man. I think that you may be feeling a sense of failure as a husband because of how your wife was feeling a year ago and it has contributed to your overall unhappiness. Don’t make me kick you in the pants! You’re still there, you’re still trying and she sees and appreciates that. You are NOT a failure. You DIDN’T give up. You are much STRONGER then you know.
I’m still pulling for you!
JessiNovember 16, 2016 at 4:28 am #120468
Glad to hear you are doing better. I wholeheartedly agree with Ninja on connecting with your girls and focusing on them while building your confidence. There is something about the unconditional love of your child that has a way of mending the hurt. Looking forward to hearing an update from you in a week or so. Have a great week!
I love everything you’ve said – it’s men like you and James that give me hope that men really do want to make things work and not give up when the going gets tough. That hasn’t been my experience, but something I’ve always wanted. I know that it might be slow going, but I’m sure your wife truly appreciates what you’re doing and while it takes time the building blocks you’re laying down will strengthen your bond.
Just remember that coal would stay a lump of black rock without pressure – its the pressure that makes the diamond!
Peace & Love,
JessiNovember 15, 2016 at 11:03 am #120451
First things first, you’re still young and in the prime of your life. This is not the time to find a girl to settle down with, this is the time to discover who you are and enjoy making friends. Don’t freak because you’re not in a relationship right now.
That being said, there is a lot to be said for treating a girl you like with respect and showing her in ways that other men don’t, but you DO have to ask her out. That loser she’s dating now had the balls to do that. Probably because he didn’t give a shit if she said yes or not because he’s got 3 others lined up if she said no. You’re not like that, so you know you are the best choice she has, but she can’t choose you if you don’t ask!!!
Practice asking a girl out that you kind of like but aren’t dying to date. The more times you practice this when the right woman comes along you’ll be ready. How do you think champions win? Because they PRACTICE!!!!
You’re a sweetie, don’t ever lose that, but you gotta build an edge. You’re a man. Remember that and go get her Tiger!
JessyNovember 15, 2016 at 9:49 am #120448
I’ve been the wife waiting for my husband to show his love for me, and then doubting it was real when he did. And then wondering if I still loved him, while knowing deep down that I did. Give her time. It’s not easy. This world likes to make it seem like everything happens fast and easy, and it’s just not so. Relationships are always complex and it doesn’t matter if you’ve been married for years or are just trying to get to know someone for the first time. I love the advice from Ninja. Follow that. My personal feeling is that your wife does love you but her feelings are on ‘Numb’ right now. Love is multi-facited. I don’t know how else to put it, but I’ve been there. I’ve been in that place. My husband gave up and divorced me when I left him, and that isn’t why I left. I wanted him to keep fighting for me and our marriage. He didn’t. I’m still single, and he’s remarried with a new baby. Just because she’s talking separation doesn’t mean she really wants that. Keep doing the little things everyday. They add up. Yes, you have to love yourself, but don’t wait for that magical moment when you realize you do. Depression is a part of life. Don’t let it run yours.
Speaking of depression,something that may help, and really helped me when I was going through some serious depression, is listening to motivational books on Audible. Not about relationships, I recommend ‘The Power of Ambition’, by Jim Rohn, or anything by Joe Vitale, Tony Robbins, Zig Zigler or Earl Nightingale. My personal guru is Grant Cardone, but he’s mostly sales stuff – but listening to him changed my life. His attitude is catching. Check out ‘Be Obsessed or Be Average’. And listen to him, don’t just read the books. It’s more powerful hearing these gurus speak. My favorite place is while driving or flying. Hearing the passion these guys pour out really helps. I went from having a hard time with life, to being a top performer in my job and feeling good about myself and life.
Your wife will see the change in your attitude. It may peak her interest as to what caused it. You’re not at the point of no return yet, and if you keep working at making things work, I doubt you ever will be. You’re a train going through a dark tunnel right now, but there is a light coming. Just keep chugging down the track!
I’m pulling for you, we’re all in this together.