Just another update as I’m starting to feel down again and its only been a couple of weeks. The past couple of weeks have been really nice, not great, but nice, and this is much improved from October. My wife used the term, “It’s been calm”. My wife and I were communicating better, I continued to help her with her assignments, and we were watching tv together.We were talking about our days and even laughing about our kids at times. We went out to dinner and a show and had a nice time. There were some hugs but nothing more and it is still pretty awkward at the end of the night when I go down to the basement and she goes up stairs to bed. It’s just a real weird dynamic that drains me when I think about it too much. I’m not sure what happened exactly but over the weekend I started to feel down again. I know that a few interactions occurred that stung me a little bit. One was when we were watching a movie with the kids on Saturday night and they wanted to watch it in bed in the master bedroom and my wife said, sure we can watch it in my room! As I write this I know this isn’t a big deal but it did hurt me a bit. The other moment was when she was leaving for a work trip Sunday night I said bye, I will miss you, she couldn’t return the words to me. I guess I thought things were better than they are. I know these things are minor and my wife doesn’t mean to do them, but they plant seeds of doubt in my mind and they faster and I make a bigger deal out of them then they are! Bottom line is I feel down again and last time this site helped me so I’m hoping it will again. The worst thing is my wife was probably anticipating that I would get depressed again and I have proven her correct! It’s a vicious cycle.
It is just so hard to stay positive all the time about this.